Find My Family

Today I just finished watching a show on TV that ripped my heart out. It's called "Find My Family". I just watched and cried my eyes out. Thank God I was alone while I was watching. It has left me feeling so drained and emotional and I'm a wreck. I felt like I had to write about it but now that I'm writing I feel like I don't even have the energy to sit in front of the computer.

All I'm feeling is a bunch of mixed up feelings. There is disappointment, sadness, anger and resentment. I'm always feeling like I'm never going to have closure in my life ... closure that so many other people seem to get. I know I'm not alone but what I'm feeling hurts so much. And I'm tired of feeling like this. Then when I'm feeling like that it turns into anger. So much anger. It's not healthy for me. But I can't make it go away.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Last Wednesday night we went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra. When I initially bought the tickets I was disappointed thinking I had waited too long and that the seats weren't going to be very good. But what a surprise ... the seats were really good for viewing the whole stage and light show, etc. I was relieved about that. I don't know why I always worry so much about what Jonathan's reaction is going to be ... but it worked out very well.

The concert itself was good. I don't think it was as good as the year before because they played a different arrangement. And it's not that the arrangement has to be the same every year ... that would get a little stale. They performed the same Christmas story but the arrangement of the songs was different and I thought a little shorter. I can't think of what they missed off hand, but something was missing.

I had found out a month or so ago that the band was booked in both Providence, Rhode Island and Calgary on the same dates. I was really quite ticked off about that. So ticked off that for the first time in my life I wrote the company an email and posed the question that I wondered how they could be in two cities (and countries) at the same time. They wrote back the next day saying they have two show bands, each with recording members in the band, to be able to bring the show to as many people as they could during the busy Christmas season. I was heartbroken. Who would see other bands knowing that only half of the original band would be there because half of them were playing another show? Was it that way last year too? Was I just blissfully ignorant? I seriously didn't know what to think. But to be honest I did stop playing their CD in my car ... I was that heartbroken.

I went into the concert hoping for the best. I didn't tell my son, Jacob, about the email because I didn't want him to go into it with any preconceived ideas of what the show is going to be. Jonathan knew because he saw the email and was surprised that I had even made the inquiry. And I did tell my daughter Jillian because she didn't see it last year when she was in London, England and I was nervous that it wouldn't be the same. Last year, when we talked to her on the phone I was gushing about how wonderful it was and that we would take her next year if they came. I was worried that the trans-continental hype would have just set her up for disappointment. And she's 19 years old ... I had to level with the music critic in her ... in case it didn't live up to my hype.

For the three of us that saw it last year, we believe they did a good job. The lights were different than last year and we liked last year's light show better. The arrangement of the music was different too. Last year the Christmas half of the concert was a wonderfully warm and heart touching. The story flowed and I was drawn in ... loving every minute of it. This year, in the middle of the Christmas story they did the guitar dueling thing (breaking off into a Led Zeppelin riff). There was a definite disconnect there and it really took away from the overall Christmas story experience. That was too bad.

The second part of the concert was good. Part of it was a little dragging but some parts really shined and were 100% enjoyable. The new male violin player was crazy good. The song in which he was featured was quite a high point in the second half. The point I thought could have easily been kept out was the "Ice Queen" portion of the program. Thank God it seemed shorter this year ... but this year they also had some cheesy Animae graphic flashing on the screens as she belted out her slightly off-time (singing) noises. We all agreed enough is enough ... move on.

It was mentioned that they would finally be touring in the spring after 11 or so years of touring. Hmmm ... I'm a big fan, but I don't know if I will go. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I suppose the positive thing about a spring tour is that the band will be possibly all together this time.

To sum up the evening. It was overall enjoyable evening even with the disconnected and uninspired story. I wish my daughter would have been able to see it with us last year. Then she would have understood how blown away we all were with the live performance. I sense that it will be a hard sell to get anyone to go back with me next year. And for that reason alone, I'm disappointed.

But the long haired guys in their tux's looked great! I had to end this on a bit of a high note.

Caffeine Overload

Well having coffee with Penny yesterday completely and totally wrecked my whole night's sleep. I tossed and turned all night ... I don't know when I finally fell asleep but it was really, really late. But it was all the fault of consuming caffeine too late in the afternoon. Why don't I ever remember to order decaf? I guess that's the problem when I don't regularly drink coffee ... one day I'll get my act together.

Jonathan has been working on the laundry room. He's getting the room framed and insulated for drywall, which is he planning to complete next weekend. He said today, that he is getting it all nice for me. Getting the laundry room all nice for me?? Why didn't I think that was a good thing? I mean I get his wanting to make the room nice ... but for me? I sort of felt like the Cinderella of the family. Why don't guys think before they talk? Once it's all done, we are going to buy a couple of very tall Ikea cabinets with doors and put then on either side of the stacking washer and dryer. Then we will finally get some much needed storage space incorporated into our house. So yes, that will be nice ... but it's not only for me is it?

I'm working tonight, not my usual working Sunday but it was trade. I wasn't supposed to work again until next Saturday but this evening I was asked to work tomorrow evening. And of course I'm going to work. I usually don't mind coming into work if I'm asked in advance and I don't have anything planned. So I'll be here again tomorrow evening.

Is This All There Is??

Today was an alright kind of day. But it was also a nothing special kind of day too.

I have to wonder what I'm doing with my life. The big highlight was that I started a little bit of Christmas shopping. But by the time I got home I wanted to leave the house again.

I met Penny for a coffee at the mall. She was just getting off work. Yep, she's working again. Part time and seems to like it okay. Of course she likes the fact that she's working downtown and had stories about the good looking guys, the guys trying to pick her up ... the interesting, very good looking older guy that gave her his business card. Oh then she lost it, then Googled his ranch, emailed him and then found the lost business card. Does anything ever change with that one? Apparently not.

I found a Christopher Moore book at the used book store. Of course I bought it. I was going to buy as many as I could and give them to Jillian for Christmas but I think I'll take this one to work and read it. They had another one of his books on their files but it wasn't in the correct spot so I was unable to buy it. But I will check back next week and see if it turns up.

Gosh, I have to stop wondering what I'm going to do with my life and get going doing something. Either that, or I have to be happy with the fact that "this is it" ... this is all there is. Yikes, what if this is all there is for me? I have to take a deep breath and think about that one for a little while.

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

"He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you." — Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?" — Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

"Josh: "What is this thing?" Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman." Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?" Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable."" — Christopher Moore (Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal)

This book is great ... with quotes like that ... how can it be anything but great. I'm going to go look for more of his books.

Wisdom Teeth and Contact Lenses Update

So Jillian is on the mend. I think it's taking her a long time to heal up. I don't know just how sore she still is. Sometimes I don't know if she's just complaining for a little extra attention. So if that's the case, perhaps I'll just continue to give her the attention she needs. She now does have a green bruise under her left cheek/jawbone. It doesn't look too bad but it was surprising to see all the same.

Jacob got his contact lenses on Saturday afternoon. He was really excited about it but is having a really difficult time getting them in. He wore them yesterday but was unable to put them in this morning before school. He seemed terribly disappointed about it so I told him to come home at lunch time and try again. He did come home but once again was unable to put them in. I was watching him and could easily see where is problem was coming from. But he couldn't do it and was getting upset again so I put them in for him. For someone that doesn't wear contact lenses that was sort of difficult but I managed to get them in within a try or two with each eye. So I'm a "Super Mom" ... that's right ... just super, duper.

But for being such a great individual, I sure had a headache all freaking day. I woke up with it and it wouldn't go away. Once I got Jacob off to school I went back to bed after taking a couple Advil. I slept a couple more hours but it didn't help. Around noon I took a couple Aleve tablets ... still nothing. While getting ready for work I was saying to Jillian that I didn't know how I was going to handle the switchboard with my brain aching as it was. She went upstairs and gave me one of her painkillers prescribed to her by her oral surgeon. I wasn't going to take it but today just before 5:00pm I did take it. It's now 6:30pm and I do feel like it is working a bit. Not 100% yet but at least I don't feel like I have brains dripping out from behind my left eye. That's good.

Birthdays and Wisdom Teeth and Contact Lenses

Today is November 6th. Yesterday was Jonathan's birthday. We really didn't do anything special for his birthday except buy a present, a cake and I made a nice dinner. He is in the middle of inventory and has been working a lot getting ready for it. Tonight is the actual count ... tomorrow they do the variance reports and then they are all done for the year. So tonight we will both be working until 11:00pm. But I have to say, my job is easier.

Two days ago Jillian had her wisdom teeth removed. I made myself unavailable for work so I could take her there and spend the day with her. I'm not the best person for this type of thing. I'm okay with the driving and the waiting but the taking care of afterwards isn't my forte. Okay, maybe it would be better if Jillian wasn't so dramatic. She was pretty wound up afterwards ... she didn't handle the bleeding very well. And to top it off, every time her boyfriend Chris is around our house she gets really miserable. I don't know if she's doing that for the extra attention or what. What do you do? I mentioned it to her this evening when I called her from work. One call she was okay ... the next call I made she acted as if she was in a lot of pain ... needless to say Chris had arrived at our house between call one and call two. Again I say, what do you do?

But what I will comment on is on how well I think she is doing. She doesn't have one bruise, not even the faintest mark. She is swollen but that's all. The dental surgeon that worked on her was not only really nice but really handsome. He had a strange last name and while Jillian and I were waiting for him, in the consultation room, we were making wise-cracks about his degrees, etc. Actually since we didn't know what all the initials stood for we were making up what they stood for. When under stress, Jillian and I get pretty goofy. Well then he walked in the room. I faced the door, Jillian's back was to the door. I think she saw my face ... my jaw must have dropped when I saw him. When Jillian saw him, she said she couldn't look at me for fear of laughing ... guessing what I was thinking. When her surgery was complete he actually came out to the waiting room to talk to me ... no other person in that room got a visit from any dental surgeon ... just me. Maybe he wanted to see if my jaw would drop again ... ha ha ha. Anyway, it worked for me.

Today is Penny's last day of working at the law office. She sent me an IM this afternoon before I left for work but I was away from the computer and missed her. She is going for an interview tomorrow afternoon at another law office downtown. I called her on my break this evening to wish her luck.

Today isn't my usual working day. I was called yesterday evening and asked if I was able to come in today. This weekend is my usual working weekend and I'll be off because I did a shift trade with Barbara (she needed time off) and took my whole weekend. So that's good for me. Next week I'm working 3 evenings in a row ... Monday to Wednesday. Wednesday is a stat holiday ... Remembrance Day ... time and a half.

Tomorrow Jacob is going to the eye doctor to get fitted for contact lenses. I don't know why he wants contact lenses. Oh well.