I've been afraid of something for as long as I can remember. Now that something hasn't always been the same. But it's always something. The list gets longer as the years go by. For some reason the list does not get shorter. Ever.
I know I've had this problem forever. I am a worrier. I am a nail biter. I stay awake until I crash into my pillow hoping not to lay in bed thinking and worrying.
Truthfully, I really thought it would get better with age. Thinking somehow that with age comes confidence and wisdom. But that hasn't been the case. Not even close.
This past year has been a bit of a transition for me. Things seemed to be sort of straightening out. But lately I can feel all this building up again to the point where it's almost unbearable.
To list the fears would take some time. But I almost think I have to write them down and face them head-on.
To go back into childhood memories and recall what made me afraid is like picking at a scab. But here it goes.
First there is the basic Afraid Of The Dark. Simple, I think most children have that one. Not a biggie. Even now, although the fear isn't as gripping as when I was little, I want to sleep with the curtains open to let some moon light in. It's something I can't do because Jonathan won't have it but I crave a little light. My most comfortable nights are when the curtains are open and that is usually when Jonathan isn't home.
Fear of Ghosts / Spirits or Entities. It's hard for me to explain. But I grew up in a household where my mom believed a lot of unusual stuff. She has been on this spiritual journey her whole life. I've been dragged along and subjected to things I didn't understand. Oh I tried hard, but I didn't understand. Everything to her had a meaning. You had a dream, she'd look it up in her dream book and try to explain it. She talked to her spirit guides. She read tarot cards. She treated water on little pyramids before she drank it. When I suffered from headaches there was a time when she put her hands on my head and tried to make the pain go away. Yeah, that didn't work. I said it did, so she would stop. But it didn't help the pain what-so-ever. Growing up was weird.
Fear Of Being Poor ... a very real fear of mine from way, way back.
Fear Of Being Too Different ... let's face it ... I was very different from my peers. I was growing up in the single parent household, I had no idea who my dad was, homemade clothes, a lot of time we had no family car, welfare, no out-of-school activities. There is more, but I'll stop there for now. When I reached high school I spent all my time trying to be like everyone else. It was the 80's and everyone wanted to be the same. Being original wasn't what anyone wanted, most of all me.
Fear Of Cancer. My grandmother died when I was 5 years old. She was living with us just before she died. The whole thing was a bit of a mystery to me. But then again, I was only 5. But it didn't get any better because the same cancer that took my grandmother affected my mother several years later. I've always had it in the back of my head that I was next. Weird when I write it down but this is very, very real. I've had troubles with fibrocystic breasts ever since my very early 20's. I've had numerous mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies. All has been good, except the pain when they flare up. But the fear is overwhelming sometimes. Then a few months back, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. I went for a colonoscopy at my doctor's urging and sure enough, I had to have a polyp removed. I'm the first to say, not all polyps can turn into cancer. But deep down it just adds to the list.
Fear Of Dead Things. This is a big one too. It's not just that I'm uncomfortable, it's a really big fear. I would say it's a phobia. I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye to my dog properly after he passed away. It was like I was paralysed with fear. The kids handled it with much more grace that I could have ever managed. Thank goodness, I didn't have to handle this one on my own. Grocery shopping in the meat section has been a challenge. Easier to handle as a kid (because I didn't have to prepare anything) but not easy to handle as an adult.
Fear Of Speaking My Mind. This one goes way back too. I was always careful to choose my words with everyone beginning at a very young age. Never wanting to make waves. Always wanting to be "good". This one has followed me to my adult life with a vengeance. I will decide to say nothing most of the time. When I do get the balls to speak up it plagues me with doubt whether I should have done it or not.
Fear Of Change. I've stayed in relationships longer than I should have. I've stayed in jobs that I should have left long before they made me crazy. I urge my kids to not be hasty with making decisions. But they make way faster decisions about things like jobs than I could have ever done. I always cringe when they do but it always seems to work out for them. I don't have that kind of confidence they do. Thankfully, they are on their own path and haven't made my fear their own.
Fear of Speaking In Public. Yeah, won't do that one. 100% no way. Ever. In fact, I almost failed English 30 because I wouldn't present a poem in front of the class. The teacher said he would fail me. Still I would not attempt it. My final exam mark was high enough that he was unable to keep my from graduating, although it torn down my average. Possibly enough that it would have really hindered my chances of going to college or university. And I must say, I'm still angry about that one. Not angry at myself though. Angry at the teacher.
Fear Of Putting Myself Out There. I have a new interest in doing nails. I'm hardly an expert at it. I've taken a manicure class and a few workshops to understand the process. The problem is that I can't bring myself to do nails for people I'm not 100% comfortable with. It's very possible I'm afraid of not doing the job they expect and letting them down. People can be such critics and I'm not strong enough for that. I know that for a fact.
Fear Of Dying. I think this is a common one too. The only people that I've ever heard that are ready to accept that fact are dying are the people that are looking forward to ending their own suffering. I don't look forward to that thought in the least. I'm sure no one does. I worry about running out of time to do the things I've wanted to do. I'm already in my early 50's and I've really done nothing. There is an extreme amount of pressure to live an authentic life. But what the fuck is that?
Fear Of Is This All There Is? I'm talking about life. Is this all it is? Generations come and go. Lucky if there are a few stories to tell. Stories someone will remember about you. Maybe a couple of photographs to show who you were. It's a thought that has bugged me for a long time. No wonder people crave fame or notoriety. I'm thinking people just don't want to disappear into a memory until not even a memory survives.
