I've been feeling a little off emotionally lately. But yesterday was the start of a really overwhelming sense of sadness. It started yesterday when Jillian came home from Vancouver Island. She arrived with both her friends Chris and Madi. I made them blueberry pancakes and visited with them, along with Jacob. Jillian opened her transcripts and it wasn't good news. She failed Chemistry 30 and didn't do as well as she thought she would do in English 30. Her English 30 final wasn't added to her final grade because it says she didn't pay to write the exam. Oh my God. Didn't pay to write the exam! What the heck? Is it a clerical error? Or did she indeed not pay to write an exam? I don't know what to think. And failing Chemistry! Failing? How on earth could she let that happen? I paid for that extra weekend of exam prep. and she failed. I'm so upset. So upset that I'm sort of mad too. I don't know what to do or how to feel about it.
You know, as a parent all I want is what is best for my kids. But what the hell do you do when they don't seem to want what's best for themselves? Why on earth wouldn't she have tried harder ... paid more attention ... remembered to pay exam fees? It's going to be another year delay. One year only if she gets lucky enough to be accepted into the Nursing Program next year. Absolutely everyone I've spoken to has said that this is a hard program to be accepted into and that she was lucky to have been conditionally accepted the first time she applied. I don't know if she realises how lucky she was. I mean, I told her all the time but was she listening? I could cry. I've said it so many times, but I never had the opportunity to go to school. I've never had a parent (or parents) who encouraged me to go. Oh hell, all my mom ever said was "get a job", never any mention of school, etc. I want so badly for her to have a career that interests her, something she can be proud of. I would work two jobs to enable her to go to school. And truthfully, I'm tired of trying to put a positive spin on all of this. I was the one, who anticipated this sort of outcome, talked to Lana (nursing student I work with) about all of Jillian's options if this falls through. So when Jillian came home I had a bunch of options and scenarios to talk through so she wouldn't be so crushed. But shouldn't she feel crushed? Didn't she just blow a wonderful opportunity? I'm tired of always making everyone feel better when no one is there to help me through this overwhelming crappy, piece of shit, bunch of feelings I've been going through. I'm tired of being the mom. I'm just tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment