My Family

Life is constantly changing and mine is no different.    I worked yesterday and found out from my co-workers that my aunt Emma in Germany died.   What a way to find out eh?    The aunt I work with didn't tell me anything.    I quickly phoned home to get a hold of someone.   After several attempts I reached Jonathan.   I worried that if I didn't know perhaps no one else knew ... a good assumption, considering no one had told me about it.    Jonathan offered to call my mom and Uncle Wally.    I was grateful.    After he made the calls he phoned me back and said neither of them seemed to react or seem concerned.   Weird, I thought, but whatever.    I called Teresa on my break to let her know too.

I don't know exactly when I found out ... did Jonathan tell me at work or afterwards ... but my uncle Otto from Caroline, had called my mom to let her know.   My mom had called Uncle Wally to fill him in afterwards.   The exact date he called my mom s unclear.   My mom told Jonathan that she found out Saturday evening.  But when I talked to her on the phone around 8:00 yesterday she was confused and said she either got the call on Friday night or Saturday night.    I know it's splitting hairs but the timing is important to me.    If she found out on Friday or Saturday night, why did I have to hear it from the ladies at work on Sunday.   Why didn't anyone phone me?    I'm perplexed and upset.

The minute I found out, I immediately was concerned about everyone I figured didn't know either.   I got on the phone right away and told people.   Gosh, it's only right isn't it?    I was so worried that mom or uncle Wally didn't even know their oldest sister had passed away.    That brings me to the point, why the hell do I worry so much about doing the right thing when it's obviou,s to me, that no one else cares to do the same?

My mind is still reeling.    I know I have a crazy, stupid family.    I know that.   I've tried to wrap my mind around it, I've tried to heal it.    I've tried to ignore the depths of dysfunction.   But right now, it's all too much.   I'm feeling let down again.    I'm feeling like it can't be fixed and most of all, I'm feeling like I don't want to be a part of it.   Let them function on their own ... I'm so done.