What the Fuck?!

What happened yesterday totally destroys my sense of trust.    There was one person I trusted and I mean really trusted and that was Jonathan.     Now that trust feeling has been destroyed and I'm left heartbroken and sick to my stomach.     Yesterday just before dinner time I found out that Jonathan sold my golf clubs.    I was already angry that he loaned my clubs to Jason's girlfriend without asking me beforehand.    But last night when he was putting his clubs in the garage I asked him when my clubs will be returned.    That's when he told me that I won't be getting them back.    He sold them.     To say I was mad is an understatement.   Those were my golf clubs!    The clubs he bought for me!    I asked him who he thought was so important that he thought she needed my clubs more than I needed them?   Of course he didn't answer.   He did give me the old "you are crazy look" and he even waved his hand at me like what I was saying didn't matter.    I cried my eyes out in the bathroom.  My head was spinning, I was so mad.   What he did was theft plain and simple.

You know what really gets me.   He picked out the clubs for me.    He picked a driver that I would really like ... light blue with daisy flowers on the shaft.    He bought me shoes with flowers on the soles too.    I haven't had time to golf at all.    Part of me isn't too interested in golfing lately because I don't have the time or the money.   And I work every other weekend ... sometimes I work at least one day every weekend.   So how can I even get out there and golf?   But I did love the clubs and was so happy to have them.     And I knew I had them.   But now I don't have them.     I feel betrayed.     I'm really at a loss.

What makes it even worse is that on Sunday night when I didn't want to have sex he made a threat that I need to start treating him better or else.     I did ask him if that's a threat ... by saying,  "you're threatening me?"     I got out of bed and went downstairs and read until 3:00am until I calmed down a little bit.

So this week has been a bit of write-off.   I know this is something we cannot recover from.   What happened was the final disrespect that I will take.    I'm done and I don't even care.  

Yesterday while I was crying I decided to just get out of the house and I did.     I got in the car and just started to drive.    The sun was bright and setting so I headed north so the sun wouldn't be in my eyes.    I ended up in Red Deer.    I had to stop because I had to pee and figure out how to get back the opposite direction and home again.     I stopped at Walmart, went to the bathroom, bought cookies for the dog and some yarn for myself and a coke at McDonalds and headed back home.

I got home after 9:30 and everyone was asleep.  Even Jillian was asleep, even though I didn't know it at the time and only realised it when it was 2:00am and she wasn't walking in the door.    What I did see when I walked in the door was my golf shoes in the original box and money put together with a paperclip with a post-it note saying, "here is your shoes and money."    I was so mad I didn't even touch any of it.     So that makes it better?     Putting money on the table makes it better?     Did he rush out to the bank machine and get the money just to shut me up?    Did he drive to Jason's girlfriend's house and get my shoes back?     Just what the fuck is going on here?   I think there is more to this than meets the eye.    I may not have all the details but I am not stupid.   There is way more going on here and I've keeping my guard up.     I've been hurt twice this week and I know this isn't the last time I'll be hurt ... I'm just waiting for the hammer to drop.