Happy Birthday to Me

My 47th birthday has come and gone.    It wasn't a big deal.   On December 5th after I worked all day I came home and they were making supper for me.   They made Fettuccine Alfredo, bought a nice cake and did the presents all at the same time.    Jonathan bought me a zip up sweater and a nice winter ski jacket.   Jillian, Chris and Jacob bought me chocolates and a gardener's soap set with soap/brush/hand cream.    It was quite nice.

Mind you when I came home from work on my actual birthday there was nothing.    Jonathan mentioned going to look at dishwashers and I said, "no, I don't want to do that on my birthday."    I laid in bed moping and napping.  Finally around 7:00pm he heated up some left over pasta and we had that for supper.    My day was a little of a let down.   I don't know why, but I figured we would do something ... a movie maybe ... heck they could have even rented a movie, that would have been nice.

What could I have expected?   I don't know but it wasn't that.

Does This Shit Ever End?

Oh my fucking God, does this shit ever end?   This evening I finished writing my Christmas cards, finishing the ones I was sending to Germany and one for Deb.    I was clearing off the table so Jacob and I could start decorating for Christmas.    I took the cards Jon wrote for his staff and quickly flipped through them since I don't have a clue who works there anymore.    I read Jason's card and it read:
"thanks for keeping it real and making me laugh when it's tough to do so.  All the best in 2011.   Don't let that good little girl get away."

I broke down into tears.   Never, ever has he had those feelings for me.   The don't let her get away implies that Jason should marry her and not let her get away.   I was crushed!    I mean where does that leave me?    Once again, I'm feeling like a stupid fucking door mat.    He never once thought, in 25 years, he needed to marry me because where the hell was I going to go?     How stupid does that make me?     I really hate him for this too.

I know I have to make some serious decisions here in the next little while.   It's not easy but you know what, shit like this makes it easier and easier all the time.

Wait What?!

Yesterday it was in all the news.   Prince William and his girlfriend announced their engagement.   Oh it was world wide news.   It was reported that his girlfriend Kate Middleton has the nickname "Waitie Katie" because she's been waiting for an engagement for 7 or so years.     Well isn't that something.    I wonder what the nickname would be for someone waiting to get married for 25 years?   Dumb ass?   Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I wanted to throw something at the TV yesterday.  Oh poor Kate, waiting so long to become married and become Mrs. Future King of England.    The way I figure it, she would have waited forever for that sweet chance.    Heck, William could have been the homeliest man on earth ... but the future King of England is the Future King of England.    She would have waited forever.    Lucky her, she only had to wait something like 7 years.    Compared to me, it appears she was fast-tracked.

More Crap!

Oh things haven't really changed much around here.
Yesterday Jonathan shows me a web site about the La Quinta Resort.    They way he was talking and what I gathered from everything was Jeff, Dawn, Jon and I would go.     But later in the day he told Jer about it and I could see what was happening.
Today he says it's a golf trip with Jer and Jeff.
God I'm fucking stupid.

I don't know about anything anymore.

What I Know Now

I've learned so much about Jonathan and I in the past few weeks.  I found out Jon doesn't have respect for me like I had hoped he had.  I found out I'm much more fragile and vulnerable and really stuck.

In the whole scheme of things, it could have been worse.  He stole my golf clubs, lied and sold them to another woman.   I'm livid but I got them back, so it could have been worse and I realise that.   But the lesson here is valuable and won't go un-noticed.   What I've done is trust Jon too much.   I'm also under-employed leaving me trapped in a situation that leaves me vulnerable to power struggles.

And that is what I believe happened.   Jonathan made a few threats and followed through on them leaving me no say, what so ever.

I still believe he is trying to bully me.   He won't give me the facts I need to put this behind me.  He still won't tell me the name of the person who had my clubs.   I'm only assuming it was Erin Henderson, Jason's girlfriend that had the stolen clubs in her possession.  But to be honest it could have been anyone.  I wouldn't put it past him.

Another detail I don't know about is when the sale took place.   The clubs were removed from the garage during the summer .   When I noticed they were missing I called Jon immediately only to find he had loaned them to Jason's girlfriend.   I've never met her so I was a little hurt that he would lend them to someone I didn't know without my permission.  But I seriously swallowed by pride and took the high road and said nothing more.

That was my first mistake.  So were the clubs sold at that time?    Something tells me they were and he was lying to me about the loan.    Again, I wouldn't put it past him.

So if the clubs were mine, why didn't I receive the money from the sale right there and then?   Oh let me see ... that's right, he stole them.

I received money when I questioned him about he clubs return on October 20th.   That was a couple of  months after the "sale" or should I say "loan".   Money was paper clipped together with a post-it note stuck to the top that said, "Here's you money & your shoes."   No apology, nothing.

He's said things like: he sold them to get the value out of them. Bull shit.  He upgrades clubs but he doesn't sell them all at once including the bag.   The fact that he even had my shoes in his possession leads me to think it was more of an act of cruelty than commerce.   He took them because he could.   Surprisingly he wasn't able to sell my shoes too.

The whole thing still makes me ill.   I never suspected he would steal and lie to me.  It leaves me on some very shaky ground.   It has me wondering what will happen next.  I don't trust him and I've had to take the necessary steps to protect myself from further harm.  He's made comments in the summer about selling my car.  So I've had the car put into my own name.  I don't trust him one bit.   At least he can't sell it without me knowing about it and consenting to it.

Putting the car into my name was more of a hassle than I could have imagined.  I'm not sure what I feel about he insurance situation but I'll cross that bridge when my new pink slip comes in the mail.

Anyway, I still don't know the who, the when or the real why as to the golf club issue.   I'm still hurt.  I know he's just sweeping it under the rug like nothing has happened.  Well it's happened.  It's a fact and it can't just go away.   More than anything it was the humiliation of the whole thing.  He was treating me without respect and after 25 years I know I deserve respect.

Many things are going to change.  I already feel changed.  Very changed.   I don't trust him anymore . I'm making some changes in my own life.  I'm continuing to search for more full time employment.  I've applied here in my own department for every position that has become available in the past and now I've been applying for everything I can on the website.   And I mean everything possible.  This time I'm not looking for the weekends off to spend with my family ... I'm looking for more hours and I don't care if they take me away from my family.  I'm desperate to find more employment so if I need to, I can leave.  Right now I'm stuck and I feel helpless.

I've also decided to stop taking the birth control pill.  Over the course of my lifetime, I've been on the pill longer than I've been without it.  And that stops now.  Or should I say, that stopped October 30th.   I no longer will subject my body to those fake hormones.  Enough is enough.  A few years ago when my blood pressure was crazy I was hoping Jon would say he would get the procedure done so I could get off the pill.   But that didn't happen. I was hoping, but seriously, I know he's too selfish to think about me or my well being.  How many years did I ask him to do it?   How many years did I ask for that instead of a birthday gift?   Oh well eh?  I'm done now and I don't give a flying rat's ass what he thinks about it.  I'm taking control of what I can and my body is the one thing I can have a say about.

So there's my car, my employment situation and my own body.  Oh and then there is my stuff.  I threw so much of it away.  At the time I was just getting rid of what I didn't want to take with me.  Because I wanted to leave more than anything else on this planet.   And although I felt trapped, the act of mentally packing gave me more strength then my family provided.  The act of leaving meant more to me than anything.  But I couldn't.

What I could do was educate myself.  I found out what my common-law rights are.  I discovered what is deemed theft and what my options are when it occurs.   Yep I did learn quite a bit.

I also learned that my kids don't respect me either.   You know when I was hurting more than I had even known within this relationship neither of them took the time to ask if I was okay.   Or if I needed anything.  Of if they could help me.   No, all I got was the cold shoulder.  That hurt a lot.  You know, their whole life I cared and worried about them.   That was an eye opener.  They chose sides and it wasn't mine.  It's something I won't soon forget.  One day they will feel hurt, betrayal and humiliation and perhaps when they have no one to turn to they will see how I felt.

So there it is.  I don't feel quite as helpless.  I have a few plans in place.  I have to get stronger emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. I'll get there.

I dont' feel things can ever be the same because I don't feel the same.

Sigh ...

I talked to my friend Kelly last night for a long time.    I didn't let her know what's been going on here, but then again, she had lots to talk about what was going on there.

She said something interesting, she didn't go to her high school reunion because she was embarrassed that she hasn't done anything with her life.   I feel the same way.    I had so many dreams.   I use to laugh a lot and have fun too.   I don't have the same dreams and I don't have much fun.   I, on the other hand, still go to my high school reunions.   Don't know why exactly.    I go with Penny all the time and it's become a "thing" for us.    We go and have as much fun as we can.   Fewer and fewer people go every year.     I personally don't feel I need to impress these people.   Some are better off than I am and some are not.     The people I care most about know the most about me anyway and the others don't really matter too much in the whole scheme of things.   It was too bad to hear that Kelly didn't go.  She might have had more fun than she expected she would.

Today is Jonathan's birthday.    It is also the day he is doing inventory and will be working late.    At around 5:00pm Jacob and I are going to drive over to his office and drop off a birthday cake.     I thought I should since I did it last year.    Part of me doesn't want to do it and part of me thinks I should go there.    So I will go and leave quickly.

What's Mine is Mine

On Monday, November 1st I got my golf clubs back.   He left them in the garage so I would see them when I drove in from the event I was attending with Anne Miner.   Jonathan is acting like nothing happened but to me it did.   I'm being as civil as possible to Jonathan but what I've learned will stay with me forever.   It was "strike 3" and I have to make sure I'm in a position to leave should anything happen again.

Today is November 4th.   One day before Jonathan's birthday.    I'm at a loss what to give him.    What I've wanted to do since October 20th was punch him in the face so getting any of those "oh what do I get him" feelings are a little hard to stir up.

Yesterday I did transfer the registration of my car over to me.   I have new license plates and it's really all mine.    I still have an issue with the insurance but for now I'm going to let it go.   When I get my paper copy in the mail I will have a look at it and if it still doesn't read how I think it should I will call them back.
For right now it has both our names on my pink slip.    As far as I know only Jonathan's name appears on his pink slip.   I've wanted both our names on the pink slip for ever.   But this wasn't possible because I wasn't the registered owner of the cars.    But now I am the registered owner of the 2005 silver Volvo.   So the way I see it Jonathan's name should not be on that piece of paper (since he is not the registered owner).   The only concession I will make is both our names appear on both pink slips.    If that doesn't happen he has to come off my pink slip.    But I will wait and see what the permanent pink slip says before I call the insurance company again.