Beer Commercial

Gosh, what do you do when you are watching TV and a commercial comes on that makes sense?    I mean really makes sense.    See the commercial here.    I think this really took me off guard for some really valid reasons.     As I was watching I was answering "no" to almost every question posed.

 

The commercial's wording is something like this:

If there is a single undeniable truth about life is you only get one shot at living it.
So the question is ... How have you lived?
Will have have been scared enough?
Will you have done all the things you've set out to do?
Said all the things you wanted to say?
Will you have laughed enough?
Loved enough?
Broken enough hearts and had your heart sufficiently broken?
Will have have seen the world?
Watched enough sunsets and sunrises?
Will you have lived life on your own terms?
Will you have regrets or will you have lived an extraordinary life?

The only one I could say "yes" to was the question regarding having your heart sufficiently broken. Now how sad it that?

I think it's pretty sad.

 

Pondering

|I've been thinking a lot lately about my life.   What have I learned along the way?

 

In my teens, I wish I didn't worry so much about fitting in.

In my 20's, I wish I wasn't so afraid to take chances.

In my 30's I wish I would have taken a little more time for me and not try to please everyone.

In my 40's I wish I would have been able to say "no" without feeling guilt.

 

At the end of this year I will be turning 50.    It's almost hard to say.   I don't feel 50 and other than this grey hair, I don't really think I look 50.    Judy says 50 is the new 30.   Maybe that's a good way to look at it.   

 

I feel like I still have so much to do.    Truthfully, I think I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.   It's a shame.  

 

The goal perhaps is just to be happy.   But I'm failing miserably at that too.   

50th Birthday Party in the Hood

Went to Trent and Tracy Ronak's 50 birthday party last night with Penny.    It was a pretty big party at the Pembrooke community centre close to the old neighbourhood.    It was good seeing the two guys again.   I have to admit I didn't really talk to Tracy and he didn't seem to remember me too much.    But that's okay, Trent is the person that invited me.   He turned out to be a really nice guy.    Sounds like he and his girlfriend/wife? have gone on some pretty interesting adventures including living in the states for a extended period last year.    Sounds like they've been to many cool places.

 

Needless to say, that has got me thinking ... again.    No this can't be good can it?     Penny and I were sitting there more or less saying "what the hell?"       It really makes you think about what you've done with your life.

 

And it's not like I'm trying to compare my life with just theirs.    It seems to be all around me. Somewhere along the way I've put aside my dreams and I don't think I want to do that any more.  

 

I'm glad I went last night, it's so nice seeing people that were a part of my life while I was growing up.    

     

2013

It's been a long time since I've written.    Perhaps I'll start to write more regularly again in 2013.

 

It's the start of a new year.   A time to start fresh, start a new chapter in life.    But I seem to fall back on old habits too soon, this year is no exception.

 

I didn't make any grand New Years' resolutions.   I only made one.   It was a repeat of the one I made the year before because I had failed so miserably.   I only resolved to have more fun in my life.    Sometimes I think that will be easy and sometimes I don't.

 

One thing I've notice that does stop me from having more fun is the way I perceive things around me.     I've got one example; my former co-worker Sherry.      She quit working with us a while back and I have kept in touch loosely through FB.      She moved a couple of provinces away and although  she has her challenges she is doing well.     Now here's for the weird thing; I'm jealous that she is creating art -- all the time -- every day.   She posts photos of her projects and everyone loves it.    She is even selling it through FB.      I don't know why this is making me crazy but it really is.   Back when we worked together I showed her my art magazines as I do with anyone who wants to look at them.    She was intrigued and took off with the whole idea.   I didn't.    So I'm miserable.     Once again I feel paralyzed not knowing what to do.    Do I jump in?   Will it look like I'm trying to follow in her footsteps?     I'm just afraid.

 

Long Weekend In Edmonton

We went to Edmonton on this long weekend to celebrate Marge's 80th birthday.   Jacob and I drove up on Saturday mid-morning.   Jonathan went early so he could golf.   Jillian and Chris left about 20 - 30 minutes after we did.  

 

The drive was good and I enjoyed the time I spent with Jacob.    We all went for dinner to an Italian restaurant in downtown Edmonton.   It was good but not great.    On the way from the restaurant back to Betty's house Jonathan got a speeding ticket.    That sort of sucked but it was a long time coming, Jonathan has a heavy foot.

 

You know what sticks out in my mind about this weekend?   The fact that when I was sleeping Jonathan was talking to James and Betty and he told them about my high blood pressure then lied about it when I came up the stairs.    I heard him say something to the effect that he`ll talk about it to me this weekend and he also said he wanted to go to San Francisco too.    I was pretty angry that he'd tell them about it.   Isn't it for me to tell people if I want to tell them?   I'm really getting upset with him.     I was also disappointed that he told Glenna and Randy that I didn't finish the Breast Cancer walk this year.    Wasn't it him that said, "no one has to know you didn't finish" when he picked us up just before the finish.   I don't know, it's weird that he feels the need to just run his mouth off.    I'm not thinking I can trust him too much at all.

 

 

The funeral for Sherry was on Friday.   It was a heartbreaker to say the least.   Jacob and I went by ourselves even though Jonathan had the day off.     Jon ended up driving Jillian to her practicum over at the Foothills Hospital instead.

They played a song called "Fireflies" by Owl City.   Funny how a song I've never heard before has been the only song on my mind since.     I found it on You Tube and replayed it dozens of times.    Where it broke me up before, now I love hearing it.   Funny how that is.

The funeral itself was very long and touching.   We sat beside Bernadette and Peter in the second row.  I was the only one of the four of us to cry.  I just didn't hold it together very well at all.    There were more people there than they had planned for and many people were left standing along the sides and in the back   The reception afterwards was packed but I think the family appreciated the out-pouring of support.    For that reason alone I was very glad to have been there.

Things That Make Me Happy - Part Three

A page out of my book.    Thought I'd share this page because it's one of my favorites.   It sums up what I would like if I lived on a small hobby farm.   I had collected the photos from magazines and pasted them into this spiral book.    Every page is different but this one made me smile today.

New Adventure -- Half Marathon

Well it looks like I've made the commitment to actually try to run this half marathon on May 27, 2012 ... 105 days from today.    Do I think I can do it?     Hmmm, I want to say yes and mean it but I'm not so confident at this moment in time.  

The one thing I have to do is to get started tomorrow and see where I stand right now.   I work at 9:00am until 2:45pm and afterwards I'm going to the gym and test myself a little.    It's been ages since I was at the gym and truthfully I know I'm in for an ass-kicking big time.      Am I afraid ?   You bet!     Do I sense and failure in the future?   Yeah, sort of.   Am I going to try anyway?    You bet!

Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.  The saddest summary of a life contains three discriptions: could have, might have and should have.
~ Unknown

Whitney Houston Dies

Sitting here at work and just heard that Whitney Houston died today.    It's not really a shock only because of the life style she lived.      But it's sad all the same.   She is the same age as I am.   Or I am the same age she is ... either way you look at it.   She seems to young to have died.

Maybe I'm morbid but I had to look up other famous types born in 1963.   Some people I knew other people surprized me somewhat.
Johnny Depp
Brad Pitt
Nicolette Sheridan
James Denton
Vanessa Williams
Quentin Tarantino
Elisabeth Shue
Helen Hunt
Lisa Kudrow
Mike Myers
Jennifer Beals
Greg Kinnear
John Stamos
Phoebe Cates
Benjamin Bratt
Tatum O'Neal
Edie Falco
Seal
Dave Foley
Conan O'Brien
Michael Jordan
Coolio
Lisa Rinna
Kathy Ireland
Lars Ulrich
James Hetfield
George Michael
Julian Lennon

One of Those Days

Ever have one of those days? I didn't have a bad day exactly but this evening I was checking out Facebook and showed Jonathan a photo of someone I went to school with and had mentioned that he is looking so old now. That was mean of me but I was sort of shocked and just blurted it out.

Then he asked me to check out one of his old girlfriends' profile photo. Not that it was new either, he had asked me to look her up once or twice before and I've never minded mainly because it was so many years ago and she was older than him, meaning she is older than me. What do I have to worry about? Her profile photo showed her looking a little over done but one thing I did notice was her security settings were off. I was able to view her photos. I did and one of the photos was her standing in a bikini looking young and very fabulous. She wrote about the photo, "Jon took this picture, remember him, he was pretty cute, blonde and younger and a great musician among other things!" I showed him because I like to think I'm above being all jealous about things that happened a million years ago. Guess who is playing his guitar now?

It's just been one of those days.

Working Again Tonight and Happy??

I'm at work again this evening.   It's not a regular shift for me, it was a trade or a picked up shift.   Either way I'm here and it's been a great evening.   The time is just flying by at break-neck speed.   That makes me sort of happy.    Really I've been happy for a few days now.    What I'm attributing to is the fact that I've recently started taking B vitamins, a B 100 complex to be exact and I think it has changed my mood.   Shocking, I know !!   That's the only explanation I have for this feeling of euphoria.  Yep, that's what I'm calling it, euphoria.   

Now not everything is going swell overall.   I still haven't heard about the job posting here at switchboard and my other supervisor over at Home Care continues to string me along regarding the rate of pay I've asked for.    There is even a big screw up with our home insurance regarding our garage and starting today we have zero coverage for the stupid structure.   It's a long story and it starts with Jonathan phoning them 6 months ago regarding a question for a roof repair.     Things like this would normally throw me but I'm not in my usual state of panic or worry.    Funny I know.

I'm going to call my Home Care supervisor on Friday when I'm here at work at see what's up. I'm 100% fully prepared to tender my resignation on Friday if she isn't going to pay me the same wage I'm earning here at switchboard. It only seems fair to me. AND ... I don't love it over there so what do I care ?

Weekend Off

I have a weekend off and today I'm too tired to enjoy it.    I worked until 10:45 last night and came home to find Stuart limping around with a sore leg or shoulder.      He had hurt it while I was a work when Chris startled him with the helicopter.   Poor little dog.

He was put in Jacob's bed after I gave him a little doggy pain-killer and after some whining he settled down and went to sleep.  

I stayed up longer than I should have partly because I was nervous wreck for Jillian's test she was writing this morning.    She needed to get 90% to pass and on her first writing she missed it by one question.   She was allowed to write it only twice so I was a mess.  

Then I decided to lay in bed and read for a bit.    I read a chapter in my book that grossed me out so badly that I had to stay awake and read more just to shake it.   So I was up way too late and I'm suffering from it today.

One good thing I did was go out for coffee with Penny this afternoon.  We met at SouthCentre and had a great time talking and shopping around the mall.

Jonathan came back from his trade show in Toronto this morning.   Lucky for him he missed all the bone crushing cold weather we had all week long.   I had a pretty yucky week here in Calgary.   I worked a lot.   And to top it all off this week I had two flat tires in one day.    Not one but two!!     Chris and Jacob came to work to help me out and get the car home.   Then they put winter tires onto my car once it was in the garage and out of the extreme wind chill.    Funny how Jonathan made sure he had winter tires on his car and didn't get them put onto mine.     I guess it wasn't one of his priorities.      Sounds like he had a good time at the trade show.    As much as he complains about it before he leaves he sure has a bunch to brag about once he gets back.   Do I sound jealous ?  I am.

But mostly I'm tired of listening to him say how much he doesn't enjoy it going before he leaves.   Just let me go, you wouldn't hear me complain.

End of My Long- Weekend Off

Well this is Sunday evening.   I've had the whole weekend off including Remembrance Day on November 11th.   That is something that doesn't happen often for me.     It ended up being nothing special though.     I wanted to get away for a night or two to Banff and use up the gift certificate my co-workers bought for me when I got married last December.  But needless to say, Jonathan didn't want to go.    It's not that he had anything special to do this weekend or made any better plans or anything.    I don't get him and I'm getting pretty mad about it.

I did have my second job interview and the guy that did the second interview was incredibly nice.  Too nice, from the few minutes I spent with him.    He's easy going from what I could gather and I think for sure, that I didn't get the job.     The person who he interviewed before me was in the office longer than I was.    And I was a nervous wreck so my interview wasn't too slick.

I also had my doctor's appointment to go over all my test results.   Seems everything is good ... really good actually.   WTF?     Why do I feel so awful and why on earth is my heart beating like a crazy spazz?     Oh, I don't get it at all.   I did go to have a second x-ray done on my chest because an area of interest wasn't clearly visible on first x-ray.   But the doctor says he doesn't think it's anything and didn't even bother booking another follow-up appointment with me to go over the results.    He says if there is anything, he'll call me.     My guess is that I won't be hearing from him.    But what on earth was going on with my heart?    Why did I feel like I was going to keel over?    Oh it's so stupid.    It's as stupid as when I took Stuart to the vet because he was having seizures and all they did was do a whole bunch of tests to tell me they don't know why he's convulsing.

So that's it for my big updates and big let downs.    I work like a freak for the next week so I don't think I'll be able to write too often but I'll try.

Life Update

Well I re-read some of my previous posts.   Looks like not too much has changed in my life since I've started this blog of mine.    I'm still basically not happy with work and haven't done too much in the way of changing it either.    Funny how life is isn't it??

The only major change seems to be the fact that I am no longer complaining about Jonathan not marrying me.     Since we've been married not much has changed (other than my wondering why we aren't).    Things continue the way they were.   I'm not happier, I'm not less happy either.  

I don't know exactly why, but I'm not the most content person.    I can't put my finger on it exactly but "discontent" seems to be a good word to describe me.    I know I am responsible for my own happiness but right now I don't know how to get it.     To be honest, one thing I know may help, I haven't done.   That would be to exercise.   Exercise releases endorphins and I know how I feel when I'm really exercising regularly.   I know I owe it to myself to start seriously again but I'm in a little bit of a rut and can't seem to get myself motivated.   

I'm in the middle of an eight shift run at work.   That alone makes my energy levels sink to an all time low.   Five of the eight shifts are all afternoon/evening shifts.   A person has to work but I wish I wasn't working shift work all the time.   I could spend all the time in the world complaining about it but it wouldn't change a thing.

A Quick List

Saw this on another blog, so it's not my idea.   Thought I'd try it out.

Outside my window ... it's dark outside and I can't see more than the interior of the room reflecting back at me.

I am thankful for ... the fact that we were able to pick out and buy a new dishwasher this afternoon.    We have also picked out a new fridge and stove (which is absolutely beautiful).    The last two items are on the sales order but we haven't paid for them yet.    We've locked in the special pricing with no obligation to purchase if we change our minds. 

From the kitchen ... this weekend I made a spinach and feta quiche which was fabulous and I think I'm going to make it again tomorrow (since I'm not working).   I followed a recipe loosely and made changes and it worked out perfectly.

I am wearing ... my down jacket, grey t-shirt, black jeans and black boots (I'm at work).

I am creating ... a nicer home with lots of help from Jonathan.

I am going ... to start taking better care of myself and stop eating so many sweet sugary things.

I am reading ... Return of the King, book 3 of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I am hoping ... that the rest of the flooring goes in okay and we don't end up with more hassles as often happens when renovating.

I am hearing ... my co-workers talk about churches, summer camps and telephones ringing.

Around the house ... Jonathan is working on putting in the bamboo hardwood in Jillian's room.   It's almost done.  Then it's down the hallway and back into our own bedroom.

One of my favorite things ... is being organized.     Things are a little out of whack with Jillian being in the spare room while the flooring is being done.

I don't understand ... why I can't motivate myself to do more things.

I wish ... I made more time to go to the gym.     And I also wish I didn't get cold sores.   One is just healing on my lip right now and I really hate them.

A few plans for the rest of the week ... paint the ceiling in Jillian's room.   And maybe paint the ceiling the the hallway and our room too.    Maybe I will get this done this week, maybe not.

Year of the Rabbit

Oh so this is the Chinese year of the Rabbit.   I'm a rabbit ... does this make it my year?    On the weekend I found an article and it says, "Starting this month, you have two years to plan out the next twelve.   Sometime during this twelve-month period, make it your business to sit down and make a preliminary list.   Think hard about where you want to be 12 years from now.   No hurry.  You have time."

Wow, now I have to start officially planning my life.    I've been wondering for ever about my  life ... what I've done up to now and what I can do about the future.    But wondering is all I've done.    Okay, wondering and writing about it, but not doing any real concrete planning.

This is what I've thought of before I even read this article.    I "think" I want to take some classes like Medical Terminology or something like a Unit Clerk course.    I want to take something that will be transferable when we move to Vancouver Island.    I really do need some more skills.

Then there is the idea of starting my own business.   What that would be is anyone's guess.   But when I look at Etsy, etc., I get so excited about the idea of doing something like that, something on-line, something independent.    That would be a dream come true.

So now it's on me.    Start planning the next 2 years for the next 12 years.   Sounds like a task, but I've sort of started the process with this crazy 5 year plan Penny and I had started.    And I took it one step further when Jonathan and I re-calulated our mortgage to be finished in five years.    Those are steps in the right direction.   Now to work on my own game plan.    Yikes.   It's easier to just gripe randomly about the fact that I feel like I am going no where.   

I have to put on my Rabbit ears and get busy.   Wish me luck.

February Already?

OMG, it's February already! Where does the time go? I mean seriously ... where does the time go? Sadly I know that sometimes it is just wished away. By this I mean times like when I'm sitting at work hoping the time would just pass as quickly as possible. That's not good. Thankfully I don't work enough to wish most of my life away. But this weekend I did exactly that.

We are in the middle of another cold snap along with piles of snow. It's to be expected, we live in Canada, the great white north. But just last week we experienced a record high and now this. I love all the snow. I love driving in it. I am also thankful that I don't have to rely on public transit, waiting in the cold, etc.

I was watching some TV this morning (a day off) and saw a comedian who said he is in "middle life". He is about 40 years old. The host of the show said, "no, you're not middle aged yet!". He said, it's like life is a football game, he's at half time and he's looking back saying, "well I played that first half pretty poorly ... ". It got me thinking. When does mid-life officially start? I'm thinking he was right if you base it on the fact that we will live until 75 or 80 years old. Some may live more, some less. But as far as averages go, yep, this is middle age.

I also thought about his comment about half time. I don't know if I played the first half poorly but I didn't play it thoughtfully. I didn't play it with intention or planning. I've gotten to where I am, be it good or bad by a series of events that fell into my lap. Really. So if I can say, "I played it poorly", it was just that it wasn't really played ... it just happened to me. Wow, that is a lot to take in.

With this notion spinning around in my head, it makes we wonder how I will play out the next half. Continue to leave it up to fate? Continue to be a passenger in the car of life? Or do I take the wheel and do a couple of laps around the block where I really take some control of what happens?

It's easier to do as I have done. But with it comes a little disappointment, know I've not lived up to my potential.

Unbelievable Update

It's been a long time since I last wrote.   There are many, many reasons for this. 

Number One reason, Christmas and all the running around trying to get things ready.   My mom came to Calgary on December 21st and it was a blur from the moment she arrived in town.   I didn't work while she was here, in fact I took a couple of holiday days and blocked myself off the schedule just to be sure I wouldn't be called in.

The Number Two reason, I got married.   I can hardly believe it myself.    Jonathan proposed to me on December 23 at the 360 Restaurant on top of the Calgary Tower.    He didn't tell me where we were going but said to dress up.   I really figured we were going to the restaurant at Lake Bonavista since I'd never been there before and he has said many times that it was a nice place.

The proposal was nice.   After dinner he had the waiter bring by a little box for me.   It arrived at the table with two glasses of champagne, which was really nice.   I asked Jonathan if he ordered it and he said, "no".    So I wondered why he was lying.    When I opened the box there was a little folded note written on card stock with my name on the front.   In the note he had written, "I've always loved you and always will.  Will you marry me?"     I was surprised and turned the note over and he had written the date on the back.   I laughed and said, "Did you date this because you knew I would keep it?"    We had a laugh about that too.

I didn't answer right away mostly out of shock.    I didn't in a million years think that's what this dinner was about.    I really thought he wanted to make up for all the fighting we had been doing since October.   I thought the box had a necklace or bracelet in it because this wasn't a ring box at all.   The ring was still being sized and wouldn't be ready until the next day (I found out later).  So I sat there and we laughed a bit and then he asked me what my answer would be.   I said something like, "After 25 years of waiting, what do you think?"    Then he said he needed an answer because there was a part two to this and he needed my answer first.   Then I think I just said, "yes".     I asked him then if part two was him telling me he was pregnant.  We laughed about that one too.   

Then the biggest shock, he asked if we could get married on Christmas Eve, the very next day.    I was more than shocked, stunned might be a better word.   He said he had it arranged that someone would come to our house at 4:00pm Christmas Eve to marry us.    That's when it became a little less fun for me.    I know almost everyone I've told, thought that was quite the effort and quite romantic but I had zero time to make it a special day, the day I've dreamed of and put so much thought into.   It felt very out of my hands.    He said it would be nice to get married on Christmas Eve because I liked Christmas so much and both of our moms were in town, etc.    Oh the pressure.    I didn't agree to this quickly feeling so much pressure and feeling so overwhelmed.   I said things like, "I don't have a dress or flowers and I ate the pasta, I would have never eaten so much if I would have known that tomorrow I was getting married."    I wanted to say no ... absolutely no, after waiting 25 years, I want my day to be special, really special, not just thrown together.   But I felt more pressure than I could stand and said, "okay" with a lot of mixed emotions.   Jonathan then made a couple of calls.  He called the lady to tell her I said yes and 4:00pm would be fine.   Then he made another call.   Minutes later Jillian, Jacob, Chris and my Mom joined us at the table.   They were looking so excited and I think I must have looked like I was still in shock ... sort of laughing about it and sort of stunned.
We had a drink and a toast (I think) and sat around and chatted for a little while.    Hell I have no idea what we talked about really.   But they looked happy even if I wasn't feeling it myself.   Jonathan called his mom and I called Uncle Wally.    That was going to be it for a guest list.   Once we got into the car I mentioned that we are going to have some really angry people in our lives and he agreed and gave me the phone so I could call Teresa and Penny.   He then called Jer.    Okay things were a little better then ... less people would be mad at us now.

Chris, Jillian and Jacob offered to go shopping for me since I needed a few things for our Christmas Eve fondue and now that we were going to be getting married I thought we needed a few snacks too.   They were so wonderful running out to SuperStore around midnight to pick these things up for me.   They came back to the house with a couple of  Poinsettia plants too.   This was was so nice and for some reason made me feel better to have some flowers in the house.   I know that is weird.   While they were gone shopping Jonathan and I cleaned the house.    I know, that's weird too.  Thankfully there wasn't too much to do.   He re-arranged the furniture to accommodate the wedding.  I cleaned the floor, he vacuumed, I dusted ... again, lucky there wasn't too much to do.

I slept that night but not great ... I tried to put things out of my mind.   I knew the day would be less than perfect and I had to be okay with it.  The day would be what it would be.   No worrying or fretting would make it better and I knew that.

On Christmas Eve we went out to get our marriage license.  Then we went to pick up our rings at Southcentre Mall.  As we walked into the mall, I said, "you know I'm going to look for a dress don't you?"    He said that he figured I would want to.   I told him I'd go into one store only and see what I could find.   If I didn't find one, I wouldn't stress and would wear something I have at home.   Just as a side note, I have nothing to wear at home except that suit I wore the night before and I really didn't want to get married in a brown suit.    I went to LeChateau and within 15 - 20 minutes had the dress picked out with the help of the girls in the store.   I tried 3 dresses on ... two were good but they liked the one I ended up buying.   I had no time to second guess.      When I met up with Jonathan outside the jewelry store me mentioned that there was a flower shop around the corner.   We went over and all they had for red flowers were roses, not a favorite of mine.   So I said, "Let's go over to Safeway and see what they have."      So there we were in Safeway looking at more red roses.    I was disappointed but didn't show it and he stood in line to buy them.   While I was looking I spotted a bunch of flowers, red with white daisies.  I held them up and showed them to Jonathan, they were much more to my liking and we bought them instead.   They were $20.00.    A stop to the liquor store then back home to get ready for the event.    I don't think it had really sunk in yet.

Jillian was so much help that afternoon.   She prepared food platters so there would be snacks before and afterwards.   I couldn't have done it without her, she really worked hard to make it so much less stress for me.    I got a hold of Penny and asked her if she was able to come by around 4:00pm and she said she could come over now if I needed her.  I told her I was getting married and she screamed I think ... anyway another conversation that is a complete blur.    She was able to join us too so that made things a little better for me.

Good Enough

I've come to the conclusion that what I want is only what I want and doesn't reflect the wants of others.    I'm speaking specifically about marriage.  Jonathan found the note I left on the card he wrote to Jason.   He said, "you left me a mean note."   Mean?     I wrote, "good advice", then added something like I wasn't "good" enough.    How is that mean?    I'm just being honest.

I don't know how on earth he can seriously think it's okay to not marry me.    I want to be wanted, adored and loved.    I want that "can let her get away" feeling for myself.  Is that so wrong?  

Apparently it is.   I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Does This Shit Ever End?

Oh my fucking God, does this shit ever end?   This evening I finished writing my Christmas cards, finishing the ones I was sending to Germany and one for Deb.    I was clearing off the table so Jacob and I could start decorating for Christmas.    I took the cards Jon wrote for his staff and quickly flipped through them since I don't have a clue who works there anymore.    I read Jason's card and it read:
"thanks for keeping it real and making me laugh when it's tough to do so.  All the best in 2011.   Don't let that good little girl get away."

I broke down into tears.   Never, ever has he had those feelings for me.   The don't let her get away implies that Jason should marry her and not let her get away.   I was crushed!    I mean where does that leave me?    Once again, I'm feeling like a stupid fucking door mat.    He never once thought, in 25 years, he needed to marry me because where the hell was I going to go?     How stupid does that make me?     I really hate him for this too.

I know I have to make some serious decisions here in the next little while.   It's not easy but you know what, shit like this makes it easier and easier all the time.