Postcards



Postcards are nice in a way.    It means someone was thinking about you while they were away.    It also means you weren't there.   They let you see what you are missing.   

 

Sometimes they say "wish you were here" and sometimes they say "look what we are doing".

 

Either way, the card comes from somewhere, somewhere you are not.   It becomes a glaring reality that people are doing exciting or interesting things that you are not doing.   

 

I have this particular postcard sitting on my dresser in my bedroom.    What is written on the back is sweet enough but it just makes me sad.

 

I thought I'd write about it here instead of just having the feelings stuck in my head and heart.    This card comes from a young co-worker that is filling her life with traveling the world.     She works full time with the region and I often wonder how on earth she can take all the time off work to do this.    The full time job she has is the one I wanted.    So I am filled with very much resentment and jealously.   I know if I was given the job I would be working at my job.   Not ask for LOA's all the time to travel.      

 

What it boils down to is jealousy.    I'm not proud of that but it seems like she is rubbing my nose in the fact that she has the best of both worlds.     She has the job I would have wanted (at the time) and she is zipping around the world collecting memories and seeing things I could only dream of seeing.     It's sad that I feel like this.   I can't even be happy for her any more.  

 

Part of me wants to throw the postcard away but then I read the back and then I can't.   They are her memories she's making.   And while out there she did think of me, even for a moment.    I suppose I'll be keeping the card for a while longer.    It sits on the dresser, just like I am sitting here.

Easter Weekend

Back at work again this afternoon.   It's Good Friday so that means a stat holiday and time and a half (I'm happy about that).    I'm going to be working all weekend, 6:45am both Saturday and Sunday.   Today I had the luxury of sleeping in.    I also went out for coffee with Penny before work so that made for a nice day all around.

Today is the first day my mouth isn't sore and hurting so another good thing  :).

Thanksgiving Weekend

This is Thanksgiving Weekend.   I'm working all weekend.    Nothing new there.    This evening Jillian, Jacob and I volunteered at Inn From The Cold with Joy and other ladies from work.    Together we made, set up and served Thanksgiving dinner for 12 homeless people that sleep overnight at the church Joy attends.     I was over tired and not looking forward to it.    Mainly because Mahara was there too and that made me nuts.    But we went and I'm so happy we did.    Jacob and Jillian had the best experience with the whole thing and Jacob talked about it all the way  home.     I think we will do it again next year if we have the opportunity to do it.

Mexican Feast Cookies

I forgot to post a photo of the cookies I made for Cinco De Mayo.   I saw them on a blog and had to try making them for myself.    They turned out great and didn't last long.   I'll have to make them again sometime soon.   The salsa is made out of strawberries and kiwi.   Whipping cream was bought to represent sour cream but we didn't need it.   Maybe next year I'll make the cookies with all the trimmings.    They were so yummy!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day.    The second Mother's Day in a row that's been kind of awful.    Admittedly, last year was much, much worse but this Mother's Day was tough too.     Clete passed away last Mother's Day so this is a sad anniversary to say the very least.   

This morning I was on the computer trying to adjust my status to reflect the fact that it was Mother's Day.   I was looking around seeing other posts and reading everywhere that people were sending well wishes to Shevaughn.     Since I couldn't see any mention of details I searched around to find someone on line.     I instant messaged Stacy (from work) to find out what was wrong.    Shevaughn had been in a serious motorcycle accident on Saturday, May 7th near Bragg Creek.   She was rushed to hospital by Stars Air Ambulance and her boyfriend died on the way to the hospital.     Such shocking and sad news.   She is in the trauma unit at the Foothills Hospital.

I'm just in shock about it.    At home I cried when I was getting ready for work and cried again here at work when I saw the news video on CTV (Roberta showed it to Sheila and I).    The thing that goes through my head over and over again was the conversation we had Friday afternoon when we were working together.    She had mentioned that her sister was going for a motorcycle ride with her boyfriend and she was concerned saying something like, "I feel nervous, what if something were to happen.    I would want it to happen to me and not her."    Every time I think about that I feel really, really sad.    Jonathan says it's just coincidence but in my heart I think people know when something is going to happen.

This hasn't been a very good day.

WTF

WTF.    Today Jonathan gets home from work and asked if I'll have a problem sitting with Jason and his girlfriend at the Acklands Grainger Winter Party next Saturday.    What does that even mean?    Is he expecting that I'm going to be a total loon or something?     Okay, I don't even know what to say about that one.   I'll admit I'd be much, much happier if they weren't there at all.   But on the other hand, it is also my opportunity to see what's up.  Am I looking forward to this?   No, not really but I'll make the best of it, just like I do everything else in my life.

The other evening we went out for dinner and drinks with Randy and Glenna to this restaurant over in Glenmore Landing.    They bought us some champagne to celebrate the wedding news.   It was nice.    Over the course of the evening talk turned to vacation destinations and Jonathan mentioned that he and I would be going to Palm Springs in February.     This was another WTF moment.   I didn't let on that I was surprised by this news and the conversation just went on as normal.     Yesterday evening I asked Jonathan when I was suddenly invited to this get-a-way.    Then he launches into his big "well nothing is guaranteed yet, I have to make a call and see just what kind of a deal it is", etc.      He also made a reference that I was always invited to go.   My F'ing ass I was.   This was a golf holiday for his brothers and him.     Originally I thought it was for Jeff, Dawn, Jon and I but in less than 24 hours I was told otherwise.   So if I am to assume that I was always invited, I must be on some pretty good drugs or a total looser or something.

I haven't had the chance to go and have coffee with Penny since the wedding.   I'm dying to go and talk to her.  I need to see what her take is on the feelings I have over this wedding.    How come I'm so sick and tired of hearing that Jonathan is such a great guy to spring this wedding on me?     I'm still feeling slightly ripped off about the whole thing.    And to sit at the party on Saturday and hear more of it ... seriously, I may blow my top.    I need to let off a bit of steam before then.   Or I need her take on it so I can get my head around it some.       

Unbelievable Update

It's been a long time since I last wrote.   There are many, many reasons for this. 

Number One reason, Christmas and all the running around trying to get things ready.   My mom came to Calgary on December 21st and it was a blur from the moment she arrived in town.   I didn't work while she was here, in fact I took a couple of holiday days and blocked myself off the schedule just to be sure I wouldn't be called in.

The Number Two reason, I got married.   I can hardly believe it myself.    Jonathan proposed to me on December 23 at the 360 Restaurant on top of the Calgary Tower.    He didn't tell me where we were going but said to dress up.   I really figured we were going to the restaurant at Lake Bonavista since I'd never been there before and he has said many times that it was a nice place.

The proposal was nice.   After dinner he had the waiter bring by a little box for me.   It arrived at the table with two glasses of champagne, which was really nice.   I asked Jonathan if he ordered it and he said, "no".    So I wondered why he was lying.    When I opened the box there was a little folded note written on card stock with my name on the front.   In the note he had written, "I've always loved you and always will.  Will you marry me?"     I was surprised and turned the note over and he had written the date on the back.   I laughed and said, "Did you date this because you knew I would keep it?"    We had a laugh about that too.

I didn't answer right away mostly out of shock.    I didn't in a million years think that's what this dinner was about.    I really thought he wanted to make up for all the fighting we had been doing since October.   I thought the box had a necklace or bracelet in it because this wasn't a ring box at all.   The ring was still being sized and wouldn't be ready until the next day (I found out later).  So I sat there and we laughed a bit and then he asked me what my answer would be.   I said something like, "After 25 years of waiting, what do you think?"    Then he said he needed an answer because there was a part two to this and he needed my answer first.   Then I think I just said, "yes".     I asked him then if part two was him telling me he was pregnant.  We laughed about that one too.   

Then the biggest shock, he asked if we could get married on Christmas Eve, the very next day.    I was more than shocked, stunned might be a better word.   He said he had it arranged that someone would come to our house at 4:00pm Christmas Eve to marry us.    That's when it became a little less fun for me.    I know almost everyone I've told, thought that was quite the effort and quite romantic but I had zero time to make it a special day, the day I've dreamed of and put so much thought into.   It felt very out of my hands.    He said it would be nice to get married on Christmas Eve because I liked Christmas so much and both of our moms were in town, etc.    Oh the pressure.    I didn't agree to this quickly feeling so much pressure and feeling so overwhelmed.   I said things like, "I don't have a dress or flowers and I ate the pasta, I would have never eaten so much if I would have known that tomorrow I was getting married."    I wanted to say no ... absolutely no, after waiting 25 years, I want my day to be special, really special, not just thrown together.   But I felt more pressure than I could stand and said, "okay" with a lot of mixed emotions.   Jonathan then made a couple of calls.  He called the lady to tell her I said yes and 4:00pm would be fine.   Then he made another call.   Minutes later Jillian, Jacob, Chris and my Mom joined us at the table.   They were looking so excited and I think I must have looked like I was still in shock ... sort of laughing about it and sort of stunned.
We had a drink and a toast (I think) and sat around and chatted for a little while.    Hell I have no idea what we talked about really.   But they looked happy even if I wasn't feeling it myself.   Jonathan called his mom and I called Uncle Wally.    That was going to be it for a guest list.   Once we got into the car I mentioned that we are going to have some really angry people in our lives and he agreed and gave me the phone so I could call Teresa and Penny.   He then called Jer.    Okay things were a little better then ... less people would be mad at us now.

Chris, Jillian and Jacob offered to go shopping for me since I needed a few things for our Christmas Eve fondue and now that we were going to be getting married I thought we needed a few snacks too.   They were so wonderful running out to SuperStore around midnight to pick these things up for me.   They came back to the house with a couple of  Poinsettia plants too.   This was was so nice and for some reason made me feel better to have some flowers in the house.   I know that is weird.   While they were gone shopping Jonathan and I cleaned the house.    I know, that's weird too.  Thankfully there wasn't too much to do.   He re-arranged the furniture to accommodate the wedding.  I cleaned the floor, he vacuumed, I dusted ... again, lucky there wasn't too much to do.

I slept that night but not great ... I tried to put things out of my mind.   I knew the day would be less than perfect and I had to be okay with it.  The day would be what it would be.   No worrying or fretting would make it better and I knew that.

On Christmas Eve we went out to get our marriage license.  Then we went to pick up our rings at Southcentre Mall.  As we walked into the mall, I said, "you know I'm going to look for a dress don't you?"    He said that he figured I would want to.   I told him I'd go into one store only and see what I could find.   If I didn't find one, I wouldn't stress and would wear something I have at home.   Just as a side note, I have nothing to wear at home except that suit I wore the night before and I really didn't want to get married in a brown suit.    I went to LeChateau and within 15 - 20 minutes had the dress picked out with the help of the girls in the store.   I tried 3 dresses on ... two were good but they liked the one I ended up buying.   I had no time to second guess.      When I met up with Jonathan outside the jewelry store me mentioned that there was a flower shop around the corner.   We went over and all they had for red flowers were roses, not a favorite of mine.   So I said, "Let's go over to Safeway and see what they have."      So there we were in Safeway looking at more red roses.    I was disappointed but didn't show it and he stood in line to buy them.   While I was looking I spotted a bunch of flowers, red with white daisies.  I held them up and showed them to Jonathan, they were much more to my liking and we bought them instead.   They were $20.00.    A stop to the liquor store then back home to get ready for the event.    I don't think it had really sunk in yet.

Jillian was so much help that afternoon.   She prepared food platters so there would be snacks before and afterwards.   I couldn't have done it without her, she really worked hard to make it so much less stress for me.    I got a hold of Penny and asked her if she was able to come by around 4:00pm and she said she could come over now if I needed her.  I told her I was getting married and she screamed I think ... anyway another conversation that is a complete blur.    She was able to join us too so that made things a little better for me.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This Thanksgiving weekend I've worked all three days -- Saturday through to Monday.    

Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner over at Jer's house and dinner was really good.   I however, had possibly the worst time ever.   I don't know what it is but I felt so out of place.   Actually, I felt as if I wasn't even wanted there.   The people that made me feel like that were Jer and Jeff, Jonathan's brothers.   I don't know what it is about those two but it's feels like a freeze out and I don't know what I do to deserve it.  Jer is the worst, I swear he doesn't even make eye contact with me.   To be honest, I don't like Jer, he is arrogant and so self absorbed, it's always driven me nuts.   But I always go over with an open mind, always hoping for the best and more often than not, I'm always disappointed, always sad that I bothered at all.

When I got home last night I was so done ... all I wanted to do was sleep.   So many things were spinning in my mind.   I was wondering if that's why Jonathan hasn't wanted to get married.   Perhaps his brothers having some objection to me is actually making him not want to get married.   My head was spinning and I was miserable.

Tomorrow I work noon until 3:30 to cover a medical appointment for one of my co-workers.   It will be a short day and that's good.    Afterwards either I or Jonathan will pick up Marge (Jonathan's mom) from Jer's house and she will stay at our house for 6 days.     You know, Jonathan just told me today before I left for work that Marge may only be staying with us until Friday.   It's not what she told me, but oh well eh?

I was suppose to call her today before 10:00am to let her know when I was working but I slept in to almost noon so I missed her.   She was spending the day with Debra and was leaving at 10:00am.  I left Jonathan a few messages this evening asking him to call his mom and let her know my schedule and figure out which one of us was going to pick her up.  But I haven't heard from him and don't know what's up.

Canada Day

Today is Canada Day and I'm here at work.   Usually I would be sort of "out of sorts" about working when everyone else in my family is enjoying a day off at home.    But not so much today.   Today this place is a refuge from the drama at home.   Drama because Jillian called last night and asked to stay at Chris' sister's place because Chris wanted to have a drink.    I won't lie, I was mad.   She does that because she doesn't want to arrange ahead of time and get shot down by her dad.   So she calls home (late) lets me know what she's planning and then I have to talk to Jonathan about it and then he gets all mad and I get upset.

I'm off today at 3:00pm and I don't think I'm going to go home after work.    I think I may go and see a movie or something.    I'm pretty sure I'm done with this crap ...

Oh yeah, Happy Canada Day.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day.   Jonathan is doing what he likes best, golfing.    And I am doing what I normally seem to be doing on a special occasion or long weekend ... working.

Today is also Teresa and Kevin's birthday.    And of course that occasion can't go by without a little drama and this time it's due to lack of planning and a little bit of Jonathan thrown in.   God, I hate that.

Teresa talked to Uncle Wally last Friday and invited him to go to their house on Sunday because they are going to order in some food so they wouldn't have to cook and celebrate their birthdays with them.     When I had called Teresa earlier in the week, they didn't have plans.   Teresa and I talked about me meeting up with her on Monday (when I'm not working) to give them their birthday gifts and drop of the Wii.   So I thought the where and when regarding when I was going to see them was all set.

But then Jonathan got involved ... and things got a little complicated.   He phoned Uncle Wally yesterday to come for dinner on Saturday (same day) and they got to talking and somehow it ended up that Uncle Wally wanted to come for a BBQ on Sunday instead.    I say this knowing that Uncle Wally DID tell Jonathan something about Teresa's house and a dinner invite.   Jonathan told Uncle Wally that we didn't hear anything about a dinner on Sunday and assumed we weren't invited.     Which, by the way, is okay ... we don't mind.   But how the heck did they manage to assume, between the two of them, that dinner here on Sunday was an option for Uncle Wally when he had been invited over there?!

Then to complicate matters, after work (after reading an email I recieved on Facebook) I talked to Teresa and she wondered if we wanted to go over to their house as well.    I told her Uncle Wally was coming to our house Sunday instead of the original plan of Saturday.    She seemed a little disappointed.   It was awkward and my automatic thought was to just have everyone over to our house to celebrate Father's Day and Teresa and Kevin's birthdays.    Well let's just say that didn't go over well with Jonathan at all.    He shot that idea down as fast as I could say it.     I was furious !   He says he wanted a low key day, didn't want to go to their house and didn't want to have a bunch of people over for a BBQ to our house.    Gosh, he was acting like he was the king of selfishness.     WTF, my Mother's Day was a total shit show.    No one's fault or anything, but what the hell is his problem?    

So I'm here at work still fuming and he's out golfing with Jacob, Jer and nephew Jordan.     I'm not happy about it.    I did email Teresa last night after 11:00pm to let her know that Jonathan talked to Uncle Wally and told him there was a misunderstanding and he is still invited to Teresa and Kevin's house on Sunday.   I also told Teresa to please phone Uncle Wally to remind him, in case he is now confused about what the plan for the day is.   And to top it all off, we aren't going ... we are staying home ... to BBQ ... by ourselves ... that is if he doesn't invite Jer and Jordan (which could end up being a possibility).  

Oh crap, why does everything have to be so hard.   Why doesn't Teresa phone with an invite instead of email?   Why did she wait so long to make an invite?   Why did Jonathan invite Uncle Wally to our house when he had an invite to Teresa's.   And how the heck did a dinner invitation for Saturday for Uncle Wally end up turning into a dinner invitation on Sunday?

I don't know ... I'm just frustrated ... WTF.