Dream

I've been dreaming very vividly for a while now. The night before last I had the strangest dream just before waking.

 

At first, I thought it was a dream about my heart only because I saw myself wearing a holter monitor. But as it turns out it was mostly likely a dream about work and a decision I will have to make. Now exactly what that decision will be isn't clear to me right now. I do know that we will be increasing our points.  But what will come of the point increase and when isn't clear because a new schedule has been released for April  and May and nothing has changed on it. Sort of par for the course around here. It's too bad really.

 

 

Everything here at work is causing so much stress that I have to really wonder if it's worth it all.   I'm sure that's much of the meaning behind the dream.   It's all stress induced.

Hair Vitamins

Nature's Bounty:  Hair and Nails

L-cystine 200 mg
Horsetail 150mg
Bamboo 60mg
inositol 15mg
vitamin B6 105mg
Biotin 35mcg

Depressed X2

This afternoon I had coffee with Penny.   We took our teas and walked around the mall (our usual MO).    Right off the bat she started talking about how depressed she was.   Of course she tempered it with quotes from her son saying she wasn't depressed but she was feeling down.     Exactly like I'm feeling.     Is it the time of year that is getting us down?    I don't know.     She offered the explanation that it's probably because it feels like it's been a long winter.    If you ask me winter always seems kind of long but it hasn't  been a bad winter by any means.     

 

If you ask me that can't be the reason for depression.     Sometimes things just get overwhelming and it's hard to dig out of it.   Being sad or depressed can't really come from the weather.   It's a personal opinion but if it weather had so much to do with it everyone would fall into depression and that's not the case.

 

Either way, it's unusual that both of us are feeling so down.   No easy explanation to be found.    No matter how you look at it. 

Happy Again?

Today I posted this on my Face Book page.    Seems like a simple enough saying but it is easier said than done.   

 

I don't know what kind of slump I'm in but it's one that is really hard to get out of.     I make plans to do things, projects and it's like my feet are stuck in mud.   I can't get going and I don't care.

 

I'm still getting my vacation days over with and they are as boring as ever.   I don't have plans to do anything exciting ... and perhaps even if I did I wouldn't care too much anyway.  

2013

It's been a long time since I've written.    Perhaps I'll start to write more regularly again in 2013.

 

It's the start of a new year.   A time to start fresh, start a new chapter in life.    But I seem to fall back on old habits too soon, this year is no exception.

 

I didn't make any grand New Years' resolutions.   I only made one.   It was a repeat of the one I made the year before because I had failed so miserably.   I only resolved to have more fun in my life.    Sometimes I think that will be easy and sometimes I don't.

 

One thing I've notice that does stop me from having more fun is the way I perceive things around me.     I've got one example; my former co-worker Sherry.      She quit working with us a while back and I have kept in touch loosely through FB.      She moved a couple of provinces away and although  she has her challenges she is doing well.     Now here's for the weird thing; I'm jealous that she is creating art -- all the time -- every day.   She posts photos of her projects and everyone loves it.    She is even selling it through FB.      I don't know why this is making me crazy but it really is.   Back when we worked together I showed her my art magazines as I do with anyone who wants to look at them.    She was intrigued and took off with the whole idea.   I didn't.    So I'm miserable.     Once again I feel paralyzed not knowing what to do.    Do I jump in?   Will it look like I'm trying to follow in her footsteps?     I'm just afraid.

 

Snow

We had a real serious snowfall this morning.   The kind of snow that didn't melt the minute it hit the ground.   Thankfully I didn't have to go to work, I heard the commute to work was slow moving .   Typical first snow drive.   Glad I missed it.

Jillian and Chris made it back home safely from their get-a-way in BC.   They were gone only 2 days but it sounded like they had a good time.   

Jacob and I went to the SAIT and ACAD open houses on the weekend.    We were impressed with the professionalism of SAIT and disappointed with ACAD.     Jacob has his heart set on going to SAIT when he is done with high school.    I'm happy he's more or less found a bit of a direction to go in.    It's a start and it's important to know where to start.

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Singh and see what the Echo test came up with.   I'm pretty sure I know I don't want to be on medications, meaning betablockers.    They scare the hell out of me.    Hopefully, that isn't something he'll suggest.     I just want to know what's going on and what I can do about it.    I really want to get back to the gym ... just wanting some re-assurance that it will be okay to do so.    Kind of nervous, have to admit.

Not A Good Day

Woke up this morning without a better perspective.   Still feeling low and dwelling on what I've done with my life.    How come I haven't done most of the things I've wanted to do?   I haven't gone to places I've wanted to go.  Why am I feeling so unfullfilled?   Why do I get so jealous about other people's lives?    I'm feeling stuck and miserable.

I received a couple of calls for work, one ridiculously early this morning and one before noon.    I didn't even pick up the phone.    Going to work isn't going to make me happy, staying home isn't king me happy.    What on earth do I do?

Long Weekend In Edmonton

We went to Edmonton on this long weekend to celebrate Marge's 80th birthday.   Jacob and I drove up on Saturday mid-morning.   Jonathan went early so he could golf.   Jillian and Chris left about 20 - 30 minutes after we did.  

 

The drive was good and I enjoyed the time I spent with Jacob.    We all went for dinner to an Italian restaurant in downtown Edmonton.   It was good but not great.    On the way from the restaurant back to Betty's house Jonathan got a speeding ticket.    That sort of sucked but it was a long time coming, Jonathan has a heavy foot.

 

You know what sticks out in my mind about this weekend?   The fact that when I was sleeping Jonathan was talking to James and Betty and he told them about my high blood pressure then lied about it when I came up the stairs.    I heard him say something to the effect that he`ll talk about it to me this weekend and he also said he wanted to go to San Francisco too.    I was pretty angry that he'd tell them about it.   Isn't it for me to tell people if I want to tell them?   I'm really getting upset with him.     I was also disappointed that he told Glenna and Randy that I didn't finish the Breast Cancer walk this year.    Wasn't it him that said, "no one has to know you didn't finish" when he picked us up just before the finish.   I don't know, it's weird that he feels the need to just run his mouth off.    I'm not thinking I can trust him too much at all.

 

 

New Adventure -- Half Marathon

Well it looks like I've made the commitment to actually try to run this half marathon on May 27, 2012 ... 105 days from today.    Do I think I can do it?     Hmmm, I want to say yes and mean it but I'm not so confident at this moment in time.  

The one thing I have to do is to get started tomorrow and see where I stand right now.   I work at 9:00am until 2:45pm and afterwards I'm going to the gym and test myself a little.    It's been ages since I was at the gym and truthfully I know I'm in for an ass-kicking big time.      Am I afraid ?   You bet!     Do I sense and failure in the future?   Yeah, sort of.   Am I going to try anyway?    You bet!

Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things.  The saddest summary of a life contains three discriptions: could have, might have and should have.
~ Unknown

End of My Long- Weekend Off

Well this is Sunday evening.   I've had the whole weekend off including Remembrance Day on November 11th.   That is something that doesn't happen often for me.     It ended up being nothing special though.     I wanted to get away for a night or two to Banff and use up the gift certificate my co-workers bought for me when I got married last December.  But needless to say, Jonathan didn't want to go.    It's not that he had anything special to do this weekend or made any better plans or anything.    I don't get him and I'm getting pretty mad about it.

I did have my second job interview and the guy that did the second interview was incredibly nice.  Too nice, from the few minutes I spent with him.    He's easy going from what I could gather and I think for sure, that I didn't get the job.     The person who he interviewed before me was in the office longer than I was.    And I was a nervous wreck so my interview wasn't too slick.

I also had my doctor's appointment to go over all my test results.   Seems everything is good ... really good actually.   WTF?     Why do I feel so awful and why on earth is my heart beating like a crazy spazz?     Oh, I don't get it at all.   I did go to have a second x-ray done on my chest because an area of interest wasn't clearly visible on first x-ray.   But the doctor says he doesn't think it's anything and didn't even bother booking another follow-up appointment with me to go over the results.    He says if there is anything, he'll call me.     My guess is that I won't be hearing from him.    But what on earth was going on with my heart?    Why did I feel like I was going to keel over?    Oh it's so stupid.    It's as stupid as when I took Stuart to the vet because he was having seizures and all they did was do a whole bunch of tests to tell me they don't know why he's convulsing.

So that's it for my big updates and big let downs.    I work like a freak for the next week so I don't think I'll be able to write too often but I'll try.

Interesting Week

Okay, this is going to be an interesting week.   The thing I am most curious about is tomorrow's doctor appointment at 10:00am.    I'm wondering what's up with me and this heart of mine.    I'm crossing my fingers that it will be nothing and maybe at the worst a blood pressure thing that will be easy to correct.    Here's hoping.

The second thing is that I did get that second job interview!!    I'm a little guarded about this one, not trying to get my hopes up too much.   I found out from Catherine, here at switchboard, that it's a full time position over at the screening centre.   Yikes, am I even up for full time?   

Well, not to worry about that now.   First things first.    Interview at 11:45am on Thursday morning with the head of the department.    Double yikes.

Mother's Day ... A really tough day

I woke up on Mother's day to Jonathan sitting on the side of the bed closest to me tellling me that Clete had just passed away.    What a way to start the day ... I was shocked ... I was stunned ... I almost didn't know how to react.    Jonathan asked if I wanted to go into the kids' rooms and tell them with him ... I couldn't.    gosh I'm such a whimp.

Jonathan quickly packed up some stuff and drove to Edmonton to be with his mom.    That was a good choice but I was left here alone and not knowing what to feel or how to react.     I sat on the computer for a while trying to sort out in my head what was going on with my emotions and I sank into auto pilot.    I jumped into the tub, got ready, had the kids write up a shopping list and went shopping to Superstore.    Shopping wasn't easy, I was in tears all the time.   But it got done.    After that I got ready for work and I went to work.   Sort of crazy in hindsight.    The only person that knew I lost my father-in-law was Jodie.   She had seen Jillian's post on line while I was on the computer that morning.    She kept it quiet and was very supportive.    Just before 9:30 that evening Mahara stood up and from across the room asked me how my father-in-law was doing.    I told her he had just passed away this morning.     More than one person seemed shocked but no one made me talk about it.    That helped.     That evening before I went home both Jodie and Yvonne come over and gave me a hug.    It was nice to know they cared.   It was a really hard day.

The next day, Monday, I was suppose to work in the afternoon/evening.     I had a headache and decided to phone in sick ... with a little advice from Lori (from work) who I had been chatting with on line.    So I was home when Jonathan came home from Edmonton.   He  had a good visit and it did him a lot of good.

So here I am today, it's Wednesday and I'm so sick.   I have the worst head cold ... I'm so miserable.   I did go into work this morning at 8:00 and once again I don't know if that was the wisest choice.    I came home after work to a messy kitchen and I wanted to just cry ... so I went to bed instead.    I slept most of the evening, woke up had a bath and now I'm writing here.

I  have theory as to why I got sick.    It comes from stress and not giving myself the chance to release it.    I sort of cry but I don't really let loose and just cry and get it out.   When I do start to get weepy I suck it up and stop myself from getting carried away.   But I think that's why I got so sick and I'm miserable.

Biopsy Day

Today I had the biopsy done on my left breast.    I wasn't worried about the actual biopsy itself, I had one 4 years ago on the right side but it's the mental stress associated with getting something like this done.    I'm a little bit sore now but I think that is to be expected.   The doctor said he would have the results back to my own doctor by Friday.  So if anything is up I'll find out soon enough.

The biopsy I had four years ago was done by the same doctor.    He's a nice guy and very calm and soft spoken.    He noticed a mass in my right breast too.   It's something I knew was there too but didn't worry about it.   I'm not sure if he was concerned about it but he kept checking it.    He also checked a small area under my left armpit.  He kept checking it and there was a little lump or something there.   By the time he was finished my armpit was sore.   That sort of sucked ... okay it sucked a lot.

So I went into the appointment feeling all the normal feelings ... but came out feeling a little worse really.   Sure I was sore but now it seems I have two more areas to worry about ... areas I didn't even think of before.

Mammogram/Ultrasound Update

Today Brenda, from the doctor's office,, called me to make a follow-up appointment to go over the results of my mammogram and ultrasound.     Dr. Keremi is such a great doctor ... hate to say it but better than Dr. Harper.    She wants me to go for a second opinion and get another ultrasound and a needle biopsy with a specialist.    She showed me the report from the DI office that said "benign cyst" but she said, "I'd want a second opinion then you know you don't have to worry."    That made me feel better ... not that I'm looking forward to the biopsy but then I'll know 100% that everything is okay.

And then this evening I received a message from Denise (at switchboard) that she didn't enter in the Easter Egg draw and felt she couldn't accept them.    I figured out it was her co-worker Christine that entered on her behalf and told her that she won them and could pick them up any time.    Who knows, maybe she will share with the night operators.    That would be nice too.

Mammogram and Ultrasound

Today I went for a mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast.    I don't like these tests ... they leave me an emotional wreck.    The test was originally booked for April 5th but Donna got her boyfriend Perry to pull some strings with the people he knows at EFW Radiology.   And before I knew it, I received a phone call and was in the office at 10:15 this morning.   That was fast.     The people there are incredibly nice and that was great.

The doctor came into the room and did some of the ultrasound scanning herself and said it looked like a cyst to her and nothing to worry about.    They are going to compare the scans with the ones I had done at the Women's Imaging Centre to see what if anything has changed and to see if there are any concerns.      

Tomorrow morning I have to book a follow-up appointment with my doctor to go over the results.    Even though I don't know what she's going to say, I already know I want to have the cyst drained or removed or something.   I'm so done with the pain ... and it is really sore and really big ... it has to go. 

So today was a little bit stressful, even though I know it shouldn't be.   I ended the day with a headache and with boobs feeling bruised and sore ... even the good one.    Oh well, at least I'm having it checked out.

Grandpa Clete

We're back from Edmonton and it was a difficult trip. I had a headache driving all the way there. We didn't have much time at Betty's when we first arrived, we rushed over to the hospital to visit Clete and Marge. The good news was that he was finally in a room of his own. But he looked to frail and weak and so yellow. He just looked so sick it was hard to believe. We visited for about an hour I think. Marge is putting up a strong front but you can see it on her face that she is a mess too. While we were there he had 2 other visitors which was really nice. While we were there Jonathan phoned to get his TV hooked up and hopefully that will be a good distraction while he is laying there.

It's pretty evident that he still doesn't know just how sick he is. The doctors haven't told him yet and that just breaks my heart. Clete talked about it being a long road to get better and it will be a tough fight ... I just about cried on the spot ... but didn't because right now the thought of getting better and going home is all he has and I couldn't look as miserable as I was actually feeling. All we could do was nod our heads.

But you know, I'm not sure if that will be the last time we see him. Life is funny, you never know what will happen. I do know for a fact that I'm happy that we did go to Edmonton and visit. Just to hug him, give him a kiss and tell him we loved him ... I think it did as much for us as it did him. I'm grateful we went and spent some time with him.

Sad News

So much as happened since I last wrote. Most of it sad. Clete has been sick for a while, coughing, etc. Marge mentioned it the last couple of times we talked on the phone. Clete never talks on the phone so we never heard it from him (how he was feeling). Around the Christmas season when Jeff/Dawn and James/Betty visited Marge and Clete they said Clete was looking thin and off color (yellow) and they were a little concerned. Clete did go to get checked out and on New Year's Eve he had an MRI (I think) and it was discovered he had cancer in his lungs and they suspected a blockage around the gallbladder. He went into the hospital a few days later and it was confirmed he has lung cancer but he also has cancer in his liver, pneumonia and a blood infection. There is too much cancer and there isn't anything they can do for him now. What a shock! We all went from thinking, he'll just get stronger and then go into treatment to trying to accept that he is now dying. It just seems so quick ... he was just diagnosed. Life is sad sometimes.

We were thinking about going to Edmonton on Sunday but with all the news we are getting from Betty and Jeff we thought it best to take Jacob out of school and go to Edmonton tomorrow. Jillian is attending her morning class and I am going to pick her up from Mount Royal and head off to Edmonton around 10:00am. I'm not looking forward to the trip ... it makes me so sad thinking about it. It will be really hard on the kids too and I'm worried about how they'll take seeing him so sick. We've all been really sad about this and I'm really not looking forward to this trip.