Afraid

I've been afraid of something for as long as I can remember.     Now that something hasn't always been the same.   But it's always something.     The list gets longer as the years go by.    For some reason the list does not get shorter.   Ever.


I know I've had this problem forever.   I am a worrier.    I am a nail biter.     I stay awake until I crash into my pillow hoping not to lay in bed thinking and worrying.


Truthfully, I really thought it would get better with age.    Thinking somehow that with age comes confidence and wisdom.    But that hasn't been the case.    Not even close.


This past year has been a bit of a transition for me.     Things seemed to be sort of straightening out.    But lately I can feel all this building up again to the point where it's almost unbearable.


To list the fears would take some time.      But I almost think I have to write them down and face them head-on.  


To go back into childhood memories and recall what made me afraid is like picking at a scab.    But here it goes.
  
First there is the basic Afraid Of The Dark.     Simple, I think most children have that one.   Not a biggie.   Even now, although the fear isn't as gripping as when I was little, I want to sleep with the curtains open to let some moon light in.    It's something I can't do because Jonathan won't have it but I crave a little light.   My most comfortable nights are when the curtains are open and that is usually when Jonathan isn't home.   
Fear of Ghosts / Spirits or Entities.    It's hard for me to explain.   But I grew up in a household where my mom believed a lot of unusual stuff.     She has been on this spiritual journey her whole life.   I've been dragged along and subjected to things I didn't understand.   Oh I tried hard, but I didn't understand.     Everything to her had a meaning.   You had a dream, she'd look it up in her dream book and try to explain it.    She talked to her spirit guides.   She read tarot cards.   She treated water on little pyramids before she drank it.    When I suffered from headaches there was a time when she put her hands on my head and tried to make the pain go away.    Yeah, that didn't work.   I said it did, so she would stop.   But it didn't help the pain what-so-ever.    Growing up was weird.
Fear Of Being Poor ... a very real fear of mine from way, way back.   
Fear Of Being Too Different ... let's face it ... I was very different from my peers.     I was growing up in the single parent household, I had no idea who my dad was, homemade clothes, a lot of time we had no family car, welfare, no out-of-school activities.    There is more, but I'll stop there for now.   When I reached high school I spent all my time trying to be like everyone else.    It was the 80's and everyone wanted to be the same.    Being original wasn't what anyone wanted, most of all me.
Fear Of Cancer.   My grandmother died when I was 5 years old.    She was living with us just before she died.     The whole thing was a bit of a mystery to me.   But then again, I was only 5.     But it didn't get any better because the same cancer that took my grandmother affected my mother several years later.    I've always had it in the back of my head that I was next.   Weird when I write it down but this is very, very real.       I've had troubles with fibrocystic breasts ever since my very early 20's.    I've had numerous mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies.  All has been good, except the pain when they flare up.    But the fear is overwhelming sometimes.   Then a few months back, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.   I went for a colonoscopy at my doctor's urging and sure enough, I had to have a polyp removed.     I'm the first to say, not all polyps can turn into cancer.  But deep down it just adds to the list.   
Fear Of Dead Things.     This is a big one too.    It's not just that I'm uncomfortable, it's a really big fear.  I would say it's a phobia.    I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye to my dog properly after he passed away.    It was like I was paralysed with fear.    The kids handled it with much more grace that I could have ever managed.    Thank goodness, I didn't have to handle this one on my own.   Grocery shopping in the meat section has been a challenge.   Easier to handle as a kid (because I didn't have to prepare anything) but not easy to handle as an adult.  
Fear Of Speaking My Mind.     This one goes way back too.     I was always careful to choose my words with everyone beginning at a very young age.    Never wanting to make waves.     Always wanting to be "good".   This one has followed me to my adult life with a vengeance.      I will decide to say nothing most of the time.    When I do get the balls to speak up it plagues me with doubt whether I should have done it or not.   
Fear Of Change.     I've stayed in relationships longer than I should have.   I've stayed in jobs that I should have left long before they made me crazy.      I urge my kids to not be hasty with making decisions.     But they make way faster decisions about things like jobs than I could have ever done.    I always cringe when they do but it always seems to work out for them.    I don't have that kind of confidence they do.    Thankfully, they are on their own path and haven't made my fear their own.
Fear of Speaking In Public.    Yeah, won't do that one.    100% no way.   Ever.      In fact, I almost failed English 30 because I wouldn't present a poem in front of the class.    The teacher said he would fail me.   Still I would not attempt it.    My final exam mark was high enough that he was unable to keep my from graduating, although it torn down my average.     Possibly enough that it would have really hindered my chances of going to college or university.    And I must say, I'm still angry about that one.      Not angry at myself though.  Angry at the teacher.
Fear Of Putting Myself Out There.    I have a new interest in doing nails.   I'm hardly an expert at it.    I've taken a manicure class and a few workshops to understand the process.     The problem is that I can't bring myself to do nails for people I'm not 100% comfortable with.     It's very possible I'm afraid of not doing the job they expect and letting them down.    People can be such critics and I'm not strong enough for that.    I know that for a fact.
Fear Of Dying.    I think this is a common one too.    The only people that I've ever heard that are ready to accept that fact are dying are the people that are looking forward to ending their own suffering.   I don't look forward to that thought in the least.   I'm sure no one does.    I worry about running out of time to do the things I've wanted to do.   I'm already in my early 50's and I've really done nothing.    There is an extreme amount of pressure to live an authentic life.   But what the fuck is that?   
Fear Of Is This All There Is?     I'm talking about life.    Is this all it is?    Generations come and go.   Lucky if there are a few stories to tell.   Stories someone will remember about you.   Maybe a couple of photographs to show who you were.      It's a thought that has bugged me for a long time.    No wonder people crave fame or notoriety.    I'm thinking people just don't want to disappear into a memory until not even a memory survives.    

:(

Sometimes I think my soul is hurting.     It's not a physical hurting but it carries a certain heaviness in my heart that I can't shake.     I know there are many holes in my existence and I can't find anything to mend them.     For a while my kids healed all my hurts ... but now it's different.   They don't need me like they did when they were little and it has torn open the wounds that were scabbing over.    I feel really lost.     I feel like my spark has dulled.   I'm just sort of rattling around inside this life.   

Update

Well this seems like a good time to update this blog on what is new with my life.   Aside from being lonely there have been a few good things.


Firstly, I did take the computer classes.   I took as many as I could get my hands on at SAIT.    I worked my schedule around the computer classes and went on my days off.   I also went to class then sometimes rushed to work afterwards.    It was a lot of planning, running around and a lot of fun.    Most of the time my instructor was Ryan and I really enjoyed his classes along with his sense of humor and knowledge.     I finished Excel, Powerpoint, Visio and Word.    I didn`t get a chance to start Access because I found a new job!


Yes, finally, a new job.    I now work at a community health care centre (vaccination clinic)  close to home and not too far from my old job.    I work with a couple of people I used to work with at switchboard.    One lady still works there and is only casual at the clinic.    The other lady quit switchboard quite a while ago and is the person that told me about the job at this location.    I am very happy I made the move and I`m enjoying it very much.   I have my own desk too.   There are so many freedoms there that I can`t even begin to list them all.    And finally I`m not working late evenings or every other weekend.    I only work 8:00 - 4:30 and a maximum of 4 days a week.    Every now and then I work 3 days a week.   I haven`t escaped weekends totally.   I am scheduled to work 4 Saturday`s a year ... one every 12 weeks.     So there is no complaining coming from me.    I haven`t worked a reception shift on my own yet but at the end of the month I do have two evening shifts where I`ll be working alone and not really liking the idea.    But what can a person do

Sort of Empty Nest

I don't know if it's because I'm PMS'ing or what but I am miserable and bored out of my mind.    I've been giving it some thought and since the kids are all grown up I don't really have much to do anymore.     The house is quiet and I'm lonely.    Jacob is still living at home but he doesn't spend time with me anymore.   He is mostly in his room on the computer working on projects or playing games, or face-timing with his girlfriend.     


I've been trying to get interested in things.   I've thrown myself into computer classes, started a new job and even became a certified manicurist.    But I'm still bored.   At work I can't wait to get home but once I'm here all I am is lonely and bored.     It's crazy I know.

So Lonely

It's been forever since I last wrote.    It's the August long weekend and although I'm happy to have the 3 days off work I am really lonely and not happy.      I've been thinking about it all morning and I've come to the conclusion that the kids growing up has been the hardest thing for me to deal with because they don't need me anymore.     And I've also come to realize that it was me that needed them as much or even more than they needed me.    I was never alone or lonely with them.   There was always something to do, something to say, something to see, something to listen to.    It's really weird that I have this big hole in my life and I don't really know what to do about it right now.   I'm just really miserable.

Jacob leaves for BC with his girlfriend tomorrow morning.   Jillian and Chris are already there in Vancouver visiting friends.   They are leaving for Vancouver Island tomorrow.  Jonathan and I went to Vancouver Island already this summer during Stampede Week and Jacob wasn't interested in going with us because he didn't want to miss the Stampede since he just turned 18 and thought he would miss all the fun.   Funny thing is, he didn't even go until the last day and we were already home by then.   So much for that reasoning.      It just made me sad.       

January 19, 2014

I don't want this to be a blog about every time I'm feeling down I write.   But that's what it's turning out to be.  


I always want to write out my disappointments and sadness rather than discuss them with people who really couldn't care less or even worse are the source of my disappointment and sadness. 


It's easier to just get it off my chest this way and not bother the rest of the world or face them head on and create more of a bad situation.    


I know I have to make some changes in my life and it's scary to think about and even scarier to write about it or say it out loud.


But change has to come and soon.   Firstly I have to change my job.     I'm going to take a MS Excel Level One course next Friday and that's a step in the right direction.    I also have to look at taking some other classes and get things going.   I have to broaden my skills in order to get another job.


I've had a pretty good week, this past week when Jonathan was in Toronto.    Don't get me wrong, I
 missed him but I didn't miss the way he makes me feel all the time.     He wasn't in the house long at all and all I wanted was for him to leave again.   I don't know why he takes such pleasure in making me feel bad.     I don't know what to do.   I'm not happy with how he makes me feel.    Perhaps I am the one that needs to find a job where I am not at home very much.   


Maybe that's what I will wish for.

2014

January 1, 2014

A new year.    A fresh new start.

But where do I start?      I've already decided not to make an actual New Year's resolution ... well not a public one any way.     What I've stated publically is that I plan to get older, one day at a time.   That's it.   Nothing fancy.   No hopes.   No plans.   No dreams.   That's publically at least.

If I were to be honest.   The only thing I want to make a New Year's resolution to do is to be healthier in 2014.   To me that's being more active and eating better.    By eating I really mean more whole food smoothies.   And way more raw food in my diet, etc.

As for work.   I know I have to do something drastic.    I know I have to leave work at Switchboard and get serious about doing something else.   My piece of mind depends on it.

So that's my plan for 2014.    There, I've stated it ... let's just see what happens next.