End of January

Today is the last day of January and it's snowing outside. The Grammy's are on TV and it's not the best show I've seen, it's sort of boring.

Tomorrow I work at 2:45. Jacob has an orthodontist appointment at 11:40 and I want to go work out with Penny at 8:15am. It will be a busy day.

We went to see Grandpa on Friday, leaving for Edmonton around 1:00pm. He was at home this time and no longer in the hospital. It surprised us to see him look at good as he did. He was up and about sitting on the couch and walking around their place. He has gotten really thin and looked weak but he looked fantastic compared to the last time we saw him in the hospital.

We are planning to go to Edmonton again next weekend, this time leaving on a Saturday, after Jillian is out of school. Once again we will stay for one night and visit Grandma and Grandpa.

Good Day Gone Bad

Sometimes a good day can just turn into a bad day within minutes.

This evening I was on-line and I talked to my mom via Facebook. The conversation was okay and then out of the blue she says, "today is my father's birthday". This would be a very simple sentence without a little bit of history behind it.

My mom has never liked her dad ... never. She has written a brief family history where she slammed him to every one's surprise and it was very unnecessary. So when she moved out to Vancouver Island she started going to this new age church and got a psychic reading from someone. The person on the "other side" was her dad. He told her how proud of her he was, etc., and she wasted no time telling me all about it. She was so happy and totally blown away by it. So she went from total hate to, what I would say, is gushing about the visit. Now out of the blue she says it's his birthday. I've never heard much about the guy ... nothing positive anyway. I left the computer room and wondered to Jonathan ... "why do I always get so upset when I talk to my mom?" I told him about what she said and then asked, "does she ever wonder about what I think about my dad?" Jonathan said I have to get it off my chest and just ask. Well I asked when my father's birthday is. She said in February sometime, she couldn't remember the date (even though she said she usually remembers dates and would have to give it some more thought).

Well the conversation went pretty much down hill from there. I wanted her to know that I'm hurting all the time about this. I hurt when she finds yet another long lost family member and she goes on and on about them ... and I'm talking distant relatives. She just didn't seem to get that I'm wondering why the only person who could have helped me hasn't, even when she claims to know that I've been hurting. Why can people like Lynn find answers about where they come from? I think I'm worth it, I think I deserve answers too.

I'm just tired of being happy for everyone else out there that finds their long lost family members. I'm tired of being happy for my mom, for Lynn, for Lisa, for Jody, for Steve, for Lynda, etc. When on earth will it be my turn? I'm not asking for the world here. Every time I see these family reunions on t.v. I just sit there and cry. Once again happy that someone out there got their answers. I think I deserve to find mine.

Almost The End of January!

Already it's January 26th! Where on earth does the time go?

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't signed up at a gym yet. I really thought Penny and I were going to get on that right away. I suppose I will have to join the Y with Jacob and Jonathan and just start going and feeling like my old self again. I know I will feel 100% better about everything once I'm going to the gym again on a regular basis. I don't feel comfortable at the Y though. Oh well, I guess that will change once I'm going though.

We might be going to Edmonton to see Grandpa this weekend. Jonathan mentioned it this evening and I suppose it's exactly what we should be doing. I don't know when he wants to go, so I don't know if both Jillian and Jacob will be going with us. We will have to make plans tomorrow.

Lots To Consider This Year

It's been a while since I last wrote. We haven't heard any more news about Grandpa Clete and I suppose that for right now that's good news too.

The past few days since Jonathan's been home have been pretty yucky. I know our relationship goes through highs and lows and this is definitely a low point. Last Saturday I was seriously contemplating why I was in this relationship at all. The minute Jonathan walks in the door there is such stress and unhappiness for me. It made me think that life is too short for that kind of crap. All I want is to be happy and if I'm not, I have to find a way to get happier. This year will be a year of decisions for me. I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider. I'm thinking of perhaps going to school or changing jobs because if I have to make this work by myself I have to be able to support myself. There is a lot to consider.

Grandpa Clete

We're back from Edmonton and it was a difficult trip. I had a headache driving all the way there. We didn't have much time at Betty's when we first arrived, we rushed over to the hospital to visit Clete and Marge. The good news was that he was finally in a room of his own. But he looked to frail and weak and so yellow. He just looked so sick it was hard to believe. We visited for about an hour I think. Marge is putting up a strong front but you can see it on her face that she is a mess too. While we were there he had 2 other visitors which was really nice. While we were there Jonathan phoned to get his TV hooked up and hopefully that will be a good distraction while he is laying there.

It's pretty evident that he still doesn't know just how sick he is. The doctors haven't told him yet and that just breaks my heart. Clete talked about it being a long road to get better and it will be a tough fight ... I just about cried on the spot ... but didn't because right now the thought of getting better and going home is all he has and I couldn't look as miserable as I was actually feeling. All we could do was nod our heads.

But you know, I'm not sure if that will be the last time we see him. Life is funny, you never know what will happen. I do know for a fact that I'm happy that we did go to Edmonton and visit. Just to hug him, give him a kiss and tell him we loved him ... I think it did as much for us as it did him. I'm grateful we went and spent some time with him.

Sad News

So much as happened since I last wrote. Most of it sad. Clete has been sick for a while, coughing, etc. Marge mentioned it the last couple of times we talked on the phone. Clete never talks on the phone so we never heard it from him (how he was feeling). Around the Christmas season when Jeff/Dawn and James/Betty visited Marge and Clete they said Clete was looking thin and off color (yellow) and they were a little concerned. Clete did go to get checked out and on New Year's Eve he had an MRI (I think) and it was discovered he had cancer in his lungs and they suspected a blockage around the gallbladder. He went into the hospital a few days later and it was confirmed he has lung cancer but he also has cancer in his liver, pneumonia and a blood infection. There is too much cancer and there isn't anything they can do for him now. What a shock! We all went from thinking, he'll just get stronger and then go into treatment to trying to accept that he is now dying. It just seems so quick ... he was just diagnosed. Life is sad sometimes.

We were thinking about going to Edmonton on Sunday but with all the news we are getting from Betty and Jeff we thought it best to take Jacob out of school and go to Edmonton tomorrow. Jillian is attending her morning class and I am going to pick her up from Mount Royal and head off to Edmonton around 10:00am. I'm not looking forward to the trip ... it makes me so sad thinking about it. It will be really hard on the kids too and I'm worried about how they'll take seeing him so sick. We've all been really sad about this and I'm really not looking forward to this trip.

Minestone Soup Day

Today I had a day off. I got up with Jacob and got his lunch ready and then retired to the couch and watched a little TV and dozed with the dog. It was an uneventful day.

This afternoon I got it into my head to make the Clean-Eating Minestrone Soup from one of my Tosca Reno books. Was it ever good!

Jillian starts her upgrading at Mount Royal tomorrow and I'm happy about that. It's good that she's finally doing it and I'm going to be happy to get her out of the house. She is driving me crazy ... she does next to nothing. She isn't even working on her English upgrading any more. I don't know where she is going to end up at the end of this semester but I hope she is taking it very seriously and does well.