Mammogram and Ultrasound

Today I went for a mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast.    I don't like these tests ... they leave me an emotional wreck.    The test was originally booked for April 5th but Donna got her boyfriend Perry to pull some strings with the people he knows at EFW Radiology.   And before I knew it, I received a phone call and was in the office at 10:15 this morning.   That was fast.     The people there are incredibly nice and that was great.

The doctor came into the room and did some of the ultrasound scanning herself and said it looked like a cyst to her and nothing to worry about.    They are going to compare the scans with the ones I had done at the Women's Imaging Centre to see what if anything has changed and to see if there are any concerns.      

Tomorrow morning I have to book a follow-up appointment with my doctor to go over the results.    Even though I don't know what she's going to say, I already know I want to have the cyst drained or removed or something.   I'm so done with the pain ... and it is really sore and really big ... it has to go. 

So today was a little bit stressful, even though I know it shouldn't be.   I ended the day with a headache and with boobs feeling bruised and sore ... even the good one.    Oh well, at least I'm having it checked out.

Little Update

Well I've made it to the gym, finally.  I haven't gone as much as I should but I am going.   So I'm happy with that.   

At work, with lots of help, we did the first fund-raiser for the Weekend to End Women's Cancers.   It went much better than I could have hoped.   We sold coffee and a cookie for $2.00 and raised a total of $106.00.   It was more money than I thought we could have raised.  For that I'm happy.

I posted a YouTube link on my Facebook page for the 'Weekend' and only two people have watched it ... my sister and Sherry from work.   I have to say I'm a little disappointed by that and don't really know what to think.     I'll re-post it down the road and see how it goes.

I've only emailed two friends, Kelly and Lisa (both from Edmonton) regarding my cancer walk but haven't received a response from either of them.   Again, I don't know what to think.

FAIL

Okay today was a FAIL in the workout department. I went back to bed because I could. Not a great excuse but I'm not looking for good excuses ... it's the truth.

Maybe it's because it's spring but I seriously want to throw out all my clothes. My wardrobe needs a serious update. When I was putting some laundry away this evening I threw out a couple of t-shirts. I threw out a couple last week too. It's high time I bought myself some new stuff.

Just Need To Get Motivated ... AGAIN

Today I was working the day shift at Rockyview/Peter Lougheed. I had the yuckiest nights' sleep because I chose to have a very long nap after work and messed up my need for deep sleep during the night. Lesson learned. I work with a lady who often buys the newspaper and reads the daily horoscope out loud to our Supervisor and her co-workers. This morning she read mine and made a comment that it wasn't true. My horoscope made reference to the fact that I would be taking more time to get into shape and take care of myself. She said I didn't need it. Well as sweet as that sentiment is ... yep I do need it.

I've become quite unhappy with me lately ... I've gained some weight and I'm eating horribly. I get down about it and sometimes can't get the energy going to do something about it. It's a total different me than I was months ago when I was going to the gym all the time. And I don't like it at all. Jonathan has signed me up at the YMCA that's close to our house. The boys have a membership there also. I need it and I really like working out, I just don't really like that place yet. My big plan is to go work out in the morning once Jacob has gone to school. Gosh, now all I have to do is just do it. Easier said than done I'm afraid. I know I'll be really proud of myself if I go ... I just have to go. Yikes it's like playing mind games with myself.

Summer is just around the corner and I know I'll be happier if I'm feeling stronger and more active. Then there is the 60km Cancer Walk Penny and I are doing at the end of July. Both are good reasons to get to the gym. Then there is the improved mental outlook and self esteem that will also improve with increased activity. Okay, okay, I'll go ... like it or not ... I'll go.

Catching Up

March 9th. It's been almost a month since I last wrote.

Sometimes it feels like much has happened and sometimes it doesn't. I continue to be busy with the everyday goings on with the family and work. There has been some good news too, Mahara, my aunt, has apologized to me and picked Family Day to do it. Fitting somehow and very unexpected. Some bad news, my cousin Claudia's daughter Celina was in a car accident and ended up at the Foothills Hospital on February 14th. I've visited twice, once with Mahara and once without. Celina has been transferred to the Children's Hospital and seems to be doing well. From everything I've heard she will have a long recovery but is lucky to have not suffered worse injuries from such an accident. So in a way, it's good and bad news.

Jillian continues to challenge us with her attitude towards school. She loves Biology and hates Chemistry. I don't see her putting any energy into Chemistry and I'm so upset by that. She still doesn't understand that it's a privilege to go to school. I could just cry. My biggest wish in life was to go to college or university ... it was my dream that didn't come true. I didn't have anyone behind me encouraging me and pushing me to be the best me I could be. So her lack of drive to do well really hurts me more than I could ever explain here and now.

Jacob is growing like a weed. His voice is changing too. Can I be such a pathetic loser to admit that it is making me sad too? I feel like I'm loosing my little guy. He doesn't look the same, he doesn't sound the same. Sometimes he has an attitude ... but thankfully he does keep it in check. He has outgrown his special SpongeBob room, the room I planned and painted. Gosh the kids are just growing up and the sad truth is once they are, they won't need me anymore. That's a hard one to think about.

Most of my whole adult life has been focused on being their mom. I don't have a career, I was just a mom. It really makes me think ... what now?