So I don't mean to whine ... but the days between Mother's Day and today have been quite yucky. I've been so sick. I hadn't been sick like that in a long, long time. Today I was starting to think that perhaps I was relapsing a bit ... but maybe not.
And today I talked to Mahara and I'm so certain that she has lost her f#%*ing mind. I'm so done with her I think she's insane. She was in a knot that I didn't call her back ... when I didn't get the message. She also mentioned the fact that I hugged Diane (on Mother's Day) and said she didn't know what that was all about. What the F ... what the hell is it any of her business. I hugged Diane because she brought in all the gift baskets for the raffle ... and her mom did pass away this year so it was her first Mother's Day without her mom. God ... is she so insane that stuff like that actually bothers her? I'm so done!!
Penny and I managed to have a garage sale last weekend. The weather was so beautiful and I think it kept lots of people away. I imagine they were all out enjoying their yards or spending time doing other things. We made about $180.00 or so. It was a little disappointing but what can you do?
This morning I woke up with a cold sore on my bottom lip. FML.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Mother's Day ... A really tough day
I woke up on Mother's day to Jonathan sitting on the side of the bed closest to me tellling me that Clete had just passed away. What a way to start the day ... I was shocked ... I was stunned ... I almost didn't know how to react. Jonathan asked if I wanted to go into the kids' rooms and tell them with him ... I couldn't. gosh I'm such a whimp.
Jonathan quickly packed up some stuff and drove to Edmonton to be with his mom. That was a good choice but I was left here alone and not knowing what to feel or how to react. I sat on the computer for a while trying to sort out in my head what was going on with my emotions and I sank into auto pilot. I jumped into the tub, got ready, had the kids write up a shopping list and went shopping to Superstore. Shopping wasn't easy, I was in tears all the time. But it got done. After that I got ready for work and I went to work. Sort of crazy in hindsight. The only person that knew I lost my father-in-law was Jodie. She had seen Jillian's post on line while I was on the computer that morning. She kept it quiet and was very supportive. Just before 9:30 that evening Mahara stood up and from across the room asked me how my father-in-law was doing. I told her he had just passed away this morning. More than one person seemed shocked but no one made me talk about it. That helped. That evening before I went home both Jodie and Yvonne come over and gave me a hug. It was nice to know they cared. It was a really hard day.
The next day, Monday, I was suppose to work in the afternoon/evening. I had a headache and decided to phone in sick ... with a little advice from Lori (from work) who I had been chatting with on line. So I was home when Jonathan came home from Edmonton. He had a good visit and it did him a lot of good.
So here I am today, it's Wednesday and I'm so sick. I have the worst head cold ... I'm so miserable. I did go into work this morning at 8:00 and once again I don't know if that was the wisest choice. I came home after work to a messy kitchen and I wanted to just cry ... so I went to bed instead. I slept most of the evening, woke up had a bath and now I'm writing here.
I have theory as to why I got sick. It comes from stress and not giving myself the chance to release it. I sort of cry but I don't really let loose and just cry and get it out. When I do start to get weepy I suck it up and stop myself from getting carried away. But I think that's why I got so sick and I'm miserable.
Jonathan quickly packed up some stuff and drove to Edmonton to be with his mom. That was a good choice but I was left here alone and not knowing what to feel or how to react. I sat on the computer for a while trying to sort out in my head what was going on with my emotions and I sank into auto pilot. I jumped into the tub, got ready, had the kids write up a shopping list and went shopping to Superstore. Shopping wasn't easy, I was in tears all the time. But it got done. After that I got ready for work and I went to work. Sort of crazy in hindsight. The only person that knew I lost my father-in-law was Jodie. She had seen Jillian's post on line while I was on the computer that morning. She kept it quiet and was very supportive. Just before 9:30 that evening Mahara stood up and from across the room asked me how my father-in-law was doing. I told her he had just passed away this morning. More than one person seemed shocked but no one made me talk about it. That helped. That evening before I went home both Jodie and Yvonne come over and gave me a hug. It was nice to know they cared. It was a really hard day.
The next day, Monday, I was suppose to work in the afternoon/evening. I had a headache and decided to phone in sick ... with a little advice from Lori (from work) who I had been chatting with on line. So I was home when Jonathan came home from Edmonton. He had a good visit and it did him a lot of good.
So here I am today, it's Wednesday and I'm so sick. I have the worst head cold ... I'm so miserable. I did go into work this morning at 8:00 and once again I don't know if that was the wisest choice. I came home after work to a messy kitchen and I wanted to just cry ... so I went to bed instead. I slept most of the evening, woke up had a bath and now I'm writing here.
I have theory as to why I got sick. It comes from stress and not giving myself the chance to release it. I sort of cry but I don't really let loose and just cry and get it out. When I do start to get weepy I suck it up and stop myself from getting carried away. But I think that's why I got so sick and I'm miserable.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wind Storm
Here at work again this evening at the dreaded FMC/ACH site. Working with Jodie and Irene so that's a life saver.
The weather was really awful all last night and for the whole day today. We've had some super strong winds blowing through the city ... so strong that the vent in the washroom was making such a racket that neither Jonathan or I got much sleep. We could hear things crash around in the alley and in other people's backyards. We've had some strong winds before but this crazy wind lasted all night long and right up until about noon today. It was crazy ... and cold with snow and rain.
And guess what, my seeding tray dumped ... again ...flipped by the wind. Actually the whole greenhouse tipped over dumping my newly bought tomato plants. Yep, the tomato plants I bought on Sunday before I came into work. I had asked Jillian and Chris to bring my greenhouse into the garage yesterday afternoon since I wouldn't be home until 5:30. But the winds had already tipped everything over. Just great. The tomato plants look okay but I honestly didn't look too closely at them ... afraid of what I may see.
The weather was really awful all last night and for the whole day today. We've had some super strong winds blowing through the city ... so strong that the vent in the washroom was making such a racket that neither Jonathan or I got much sleep. We could hear things crash around in the alley and in other people's backyards. We've had some strong winds before but this crazy wind lasted all night long and right up until about noon today. It was crazy ... and cold with snow and rain.
And guess what, my seeding tray dumped ... again ...flipped by the wind. Actually the whole greenhouse tipped over dumping my newly bought tomato plants. Yep, the tomato plants I bought on Sunday before I came into work. I had asked Jillian and Chris to bring my greenhouse into the garage yesterday afternoon since I wouldn't be home until 5:30. But the winds had already tipped everything over. Just great. The tomato plants look okay but I honestly didn't look too closely at them ... afraid of what I may see.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
May 2nd Ramblings
This afternoon I found myself at home ... with no one else home. Jillian was still out with Chris. Jonathan had gone golfing and I had just driven Jacob to John's house to work on a project.
I didn't have anywhere to go in particular but ended up at Home Depot because I remember seeing some beautiful hanging baskets ... but that was in either the north end of Calgary or in Edmonton. Well there weren't any nice hanging baskets there today ... too bad. But I did have a look around and bought some coconut husk mulch that I had read about in a gardening magazine (I think). It's good for the environment and I'll use it like peat moss ... peat moss depletes the peat bogs and that isn't good. So I'll see how this works out. I also bought 2 tomato plants. I have to say that smelling all the plants at the HD greenhouse put in a really good mood. I could have stayed and smelled the air all afternoon.
Once I got home I grabbed the ladder and went of the search for my little green house. And I did find it. I was worried I wouldn't find it but there it was in the rafters. I set it up. It wasn't an easy task but I figured it out okay after a little swearing, etc. So now my little tomato plants are inside and so is the tray of seeds I planted a while ago.
And about those seeds. When we had the crazy wind a few days ago the whole seed tray was blown off the planter and ended up on it's side half dumped out. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I scooped up what I could and haven't seen much growth at all ... so I figure most of the seeds were lost. Bummer. I wish I would have had my little greenhouse set up earlier then this wouldn't have happened.
Then I went to work this evening. I didn't have the best evening ... it was sort of stressful. I worked with Margot and Irene at the FMC/ACH site. Yvonne, Sherry and Jodie were at RGH/PLC. It could have been a better night but it just wasn't much fun at all and the time just dragged and dragged. I'm working tomorrow morning over at FMC/ACH and I'm dreading it already ... gosh I dislike that site with a passion!!
I didn't have anywhere to go in particular but ended up at Home Depot because I remember seeing some beautiful hanging baskets ... but that was in either the north end of Calgary or in Edmonton. Well there weren't any nice hanging baskets there today ... too bad. But I did have a look around and bought some coconut husk mulch that I had read about in a gardening magazine (I think). It's good for the environment and I'll use it like peat moss ... peat moss depletes the peat bogs and that isn't good. So I'll see how this works out. I also bought 2 tomato plants. I have to say that smelling all the plants at the HD greenhouse put in a really good mood. I could have stayed and smelled the air all afternoon.
Once I got home I grabbed the ladder and went of the search for my little green house. And I did find it. I was worried I wouldn't find it but there it was in the rafters. I set it up. It wasn't an easy task but I figured it out okay after a little swearing, etc. So now my little tomato plants are inside and so is the tray of seeds I planted a while ago.
And about those seeds. When we had the crazy wind a few days ago the whole seed tray was blown off the planter and ended up on it's side half dumped out. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I scooped up what I could and haven't seen much growth at all ... so I figure most of the seeds were lost. Bummer. I wish I would have had my little greenhouse set up earlier then this wouldn't have happened.
Then I went to work this evening. I didn't have the best evening ... it was sort of stressful. I worked with Margot and Irene at the FMC/ACH site. Yvonne, Sherry and Jodie were at RGH/PLC. It could have been a better night but it just wasn't much fun at all and the time just dragged and dragged. I'm working tomorrow morning over at FMC/ACH and I'm dreading it already ... gosh I dislike that site with a passion!!
Emotional Bootcamp
We went to Edmonton on Friday evening to see Clete again. This time we were all able to go for the visit. We didn't see Clete on Friday evening because it was pretty late once we got into town. We had a quick visit with Dawn, Jeff and Marge. Jer and Jeremy showed up at Jeff's just before we left. We stayed at Betty and James' and the kids and I ended up watching a little TV with Darla (their niece) before heading off to bed.
We went to see Clete on Saturday morning. When we went to his room he was in a sitting position with his lunch sitting in front of him on the little table. He hadn't touched a thing and I wondered if he could. He looked so weak, so thin and so tired. When he looked up to see who had entered, he was genuinely happy to see us all. His face lit up when he saw the kids and saw that Jillian was with us this time. He right away mentioned to Jillian that this is what kind of work she'll be doing one day. The visit started off with a little small talk, talking about his nice room and the big windows, etc. He mentioned that he had been in 4 movies since he was there. We didn't know exactly what he meant by that but he was sure about it. I was thinking that perhaps he had 4 x-ray films since he got there. But I don't know for sure. I watered his flowers not knowing what else to do.
Jonathan asked if he wanted a little help with his lunch and he agreed, but not right away. After a couple of spoonfuls of soup Clete asked if Jillian could feed him. I don't know why, but that surprised me. I didn't know if she was up for it. But she did it and was happy he had asked her for help. She said it felt good to be able to do something for him. I was proud of her for being able to handle that ... it's hard to feed him, he is so weak. He would fall asleep between mouthfuls too. After she finished feeding him she shed a few tears and it took everything I had to keep it together.
Jonathan asked if he was up for a shave. This time Jonathan brought the razor in with him, not leaving it in the car. Clete answered, "I don't get up any more Jon." It has come to the point where he is no longer able to get out of bed at all. Jonathan then asked if he wanted a shave. Clete agreed and again seemed to like Jonathan doing that for him. Jonathan also fixed up his hair and let him know that he would be getting more visitors later on in the afternoon.
Clete would drift in and out of sleep and we would talk to him when he was awake and watch him or talked among ourselves when he was sleeping. Then we decided that it was time to go. I gave Clete a hug and kiss first and he said, "I'm lucky to have such a nice family." I told him we were lucky to have him. Then Jillian and Jacob kissed and hugged him. It was sweet that when Jacob approached the bed, Clete said Jacob's name using a variation of his nickname Cobby. When Jonathan approached the bed he broke down in sobs. Neither of the kids had ever seen Jonathan cry and I think it was more than they could handle. We all broke down. Jonathan crouched down beside the bed and Clete held his hand. Clete talked to Jonathan, trying to calm him down. Jonathan said something to us ... I don't remember exactly but I knew he wanted a minute alone with Clete. Jillian, Jacob and I went into the hallway crying and trying to get ourselves together. A nurse went into the room and when she came out she said, "What a sweet man, I love that guy." I said something like, "We do too.", and she replied, "I can see that." It was a little awkward but what else can anyone say to strangers standing there crying. It seemed like Jonathan was in the room for quite a while and when he came out I said I wanted to quickly go in again and say good-bye. When we re-entered the room Clete was really wide awake, he eyes were bright and fully open. We each had another chance to give him a hug and kiss and say "I love you." He was re-assuring us everything is fine, he's not going anywhere just yet. He blew us a kiss too. Just before I turned around to go I saw that he wiped his index finger under his eye like he was sweeping away a tear.
Needless to say we were in tears all the way down the hallway all the way to the parking lot and inside the car. We talked about how special the visit was and how lucky we were that he was awake and able to spend time with us.
We don't know if that was the last time we will be able to see Clete. It's just too much to think about. Even on the drive home, I kept thinking about the visit and I would have tears running down my face and sniffling ... looking for Kleenex. I think I have a lot more tears ... I'm crying now. Funny how it is, I was so worried about crying too much in front of the kids. I was trying to keep it together when maybe I should have just cried more when I was in the moment.
This is very hard.
We went to see Clete on Saturday morning. When we went to his room he was in a sitting position with his lunch sitting in front of him on the little table. He hadn't touched a thing and I wondered if he could. He looked so weak, so thin and so tired. When he looked up to see who had entered, he was genuinely happy to see us all. His face lit up when he saw the kids and saw that Jillian was with us this time. He right away mentioned to Jillian that this is what kind of work she'll be doing one day. The visit started off with a little small talk, talking about his nice room and the big windows, etc. He mentioned that he had been in 4 movies since he was there. We didn't know exactly what he meant by that but he was sure about it. I was thinking that perhaps he had 4 x-ray films since he got there. But I don't know for sure. I watered his flowers not knowing what else to do.
Jonathan asked if he wanted a little help with his lunch and he agreed, but not right away. After a couple of spoonfuls of soup Clete asked if Jillian could feed him. I don't know why, but that surprised me. I didn't know if she was up for it. But she did it and was happy he had asked her for help. She said it felt good to be able to do something for him. I was proud of her for being able to handle that ... it's hard to feed him, he is so weak. He would fall asleep between mouthfuls too. After she finished feeding him she shed a few tears and it took everything I had to keep it together.
Jonathan asked if he was up for a shave. This time Jonathan brought the razor in with him, not leaving it in the car. Clete answered, "I don't get up any more Jon." It has come to the point where he is no longer able to get out of bed at all. Jonathan then asked if he wanted a shave. Clete agreed and again seemed to like Jonathan doing that for him. Jonathan also fixed up his hair and let him know that he would be getting more visitors later on in the afternoon.
Clete would drift in and out of sleep and we would talk to him when he was awake and watch him or talked among ourselves when he was sleeping. Then we decided that it was time to go. I gave Clete a hug and kiss first and he said, "I'm lucky to have such a nice family." I told him we were lucky to have him. Then Jillian and Jacob kissed and hugged him. It was sweet that when Jacob approached the bed, Clete said Jacob's name using a variation of his nickname Cobby. When Jonathan approached the bed he broke down in sobs. Neither of the kids had ever seen Jonathan cry and I think it was more than they could handle. We all broke down. Jonathan crouched down beside the bed and Clete held his hand. Clete talked to Jonathan, trying to calm him down. Jonathan said something to us ... I don't remember exactly but I knew he wanted a minute alone with Clete. Jillian, Jacob and I went into the hallway crying and trying to get ourselves together. A nurse went into the room and when she came out she said, "What a sweet man, I love that guy." I said something like, "We do too.", and she replied, "I can see that." It was a little awkward but what else can anyone say to strangers standing there crying. It seemed like Jonathan was in the room for quite a while and when he came out I said I wanted to quickly go in again and say good-bye. When we re-entered the room Clete was really wide awake, he eyes were bright and fully open. We each had another chance to give him a hug and kiss and say "I love you." He was re-assuring us everything is fine, he's not going anywhere just yet. He blew us a kiss too. Just before I turned around to go I saw that he wiped his index finger under his eye like he was sweeping away a tear.
Needless to say we were in tears all the way down the hallway all the way to the parking lot and inside the car. We talked about how special the visit was and how lucky we were that he was awake and able to spend time with us.
We don't know if that was the last time we will be able to see Clete. It's just too much to think about. Even on the drive home, I kept thinking about the visit and I would have tears running down my face and sniffling ... looking for Kleenex. I think I have a lot more tears ... I'm crying now. Funny how it is, I was so worried about crying too much in front of the kids. I was trying to keep it together when maybe I should have just cried more when I was in the moment.
This is very hard.
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