Good Enough

I've come to the conclusion that what I want is only what I want and doesn't reflect the wants of others.    I'm speaking specifically about marriage.  Jonathan found the note I left on the card he wrote to Jason.   He said, "you left me a mean note."   Mean?     I wrote, "good advice", then added something like I wasn't "good" enough.    How is that mean?    I'm just being honest.

I don't know how on earth he can seriously think it's okay to not marry me.    I want to be wanted, adored and loved.    I want that "can let her get away" feeling for myself.  Is that so wrong?  

Apparently it is.   I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Why Men Marry Bitches

This evening I read the book, "Why Men Marry Bitches" by Sherry Argov.   A young girl at work owned the book and when I saw her reading it I asked if I could borrow it.    She left it for me and this evening I read it.   It's not a long book and it's overly simplified and a little over the top but there are many things there that I agree with and I can see where I did a million things wrong.     I can't do it over again but I did learn a few things.

This evening Jonathan and I had a really big fight.   He wanted to know if I wanted to go for drinks with Glenna and Randy.   I said, if you want to go we will.     He asked me a couple of times and every time I said the same thing.   Then he said, so you don't want to go.   I fucking lost my mind.    Not once did I say that, he twisted everything around again.    We fought about everything and at the end all he said I was "sad".     You know what, maybe I am.  But what makes me sad is the fact that I've put up with his fucking condescending treatment of me for such a long time.    He went on and on about how much he does, compared himself to drunks, drug addicts to make me "see" what a great guy he is.    He doesn't get it.

Gaslighted

Today I was having coffee with Penny.    Once again I was discussing my day and recent going ons in my life.     She mentioned a term I had never heard of before:   Gaslighted.     The definition is:  A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception."

This is exactly what I feel is happening to me.    Perhaps it's not to the degree where it would become dangerous but I think it describes what has been happening to me.   I'm being gaslighted.

Happy Birthday to Me

My 47th birthday has come and gone.    It wasn't a big deal.   On December 5th after I worked all day I came home and they were making supper for me.   They made Fettuccine Alfredo, bought a nice cake and did the presents all at the same time.    Jonathan bought me a zip up sweater and a nice winter ski jacket.   Jillian, Chris and Jacob bought me chocolates and a gardener's soap set with soap/brush/hand cream.    It was quite nice.

Mind you when I came home from work on my actual birthday there was nothing.    Jonathan mentioned going to look at dishwashers and I said, "no, I don't want to do that on my birthday."    I laid in bed moping and napping.  Finally around 7:00pm he heated up some left over pasta and we had that for supper.    My day was a little of a let down.   I don't know why, but I figured we would do something ... a movie maybe ... heck they could have even rented a movie, that would have been nice.

What could I have expected?   I don't know but it wasn't that.

Does This Shit Ever End?

Oh my fucking God, does this shit ever end?   This evening I finished writing my Christmas cards, finishing the ones I was sending to Germany and one for Deb.    I was clearing off the table so Jacob and I could start decorating for Christmas.    I took the cards Jon wrote for his staff and quickly flipped through them since I don't have a clue who works there anymore.    I read Jason's card and it read:
"thanks for keeping it real and making me laugh when it's tough to do so.  All the best in 2011.   Don't let that good little girl get away."

I broke down into tears.   Never, ever has he had those feelings for me.   The don't let her get away implies that Jason should marry her and not let her get away.   I was crushed!    I mean where does that leave me?    Once again, I'm feeling like a stupid fucking door mat.    He never once thought, in 25 years, he needed to marry me because where the hell was I going to go?     How stupid does that make me?     I really hate him for this too.

I know I have to make some serious decisions here in the next little while.   It's not easy but you know what, shit like this makes it easier and easier all the time.