So Lonely

It's been forever since I last wrote.    It's the August long weekend and although I'm happy to have the 3 days off work I am really lonely and not happy.      I've been thinking about it all morning and I've come to the conclusion that the kids growing up has been the hardest thing for me to deal with because they don't need me anymore.     And I've also come to realize that it was me that needed them as much or even more than they needed me.    I was never alone or lonely with them.   There was always something to do, something to say, something to see, something to listen to.    It's really weird that I have this big hole in my life and I don't really know what to do about it right now.   I'm just really miserable.

Jacob leaves for BC with his girlfriend tomorrow morning.   Jillian and Chris are already there in Vancouver visiting friends.   They are leaving for Vancouver Island tomorrow.  Jonathan and I went to Vancouver Island already this summer during Stampede Week and Jacob wasn't interested in going with us because he didn't want to miss the Stampede since he just turned 18 and thought he would miss all the fun.   Funny thing is, he didn't even go until the last day and we were already home by then.   So much for that reasoning.      It just made me sad.       

January 19, 2014

I don't want this to be a blog about every time I'm feeling down I write.   But that's what it's turning out to be.  


I always want to write out my disappointments and sadness rather than discuss them with people who really couldn't care less or even worse are the source of my disappointment and sadness. 


It's easier to just get it off my chest this way and not bother the rest of the world or face them head on and create more of a bad situation.    


I know I have to make some changes in my life and it's scary to think about and even scarier to write about it or say it out loud.


But change has to come and soon.   Firstly I have to change my job.     I'm going to take a MS Excel Level One course next Friday and that's a step in the right direction.    I also have to look at taking some other classes and get things going.   I have to broaden my skills in order to get another job.


I've had a pretty good week, this past week when Jonathan was in Toronto.    Don't get me wrong, I
 missed him but I didn't miss the way he makes me feel all the time.     He wasn't in the house long at all and all I wanted was for him to leave again.   I don't know why he takes such pleasure in making me feel bad.     I don't know what to do.   I'm not happy with how he makes me feel.    Perhaps I am the one that needs to find a job where I am not at home very much.   


Maybe that's what I will wish for.

2014

January 1, 2014

A new year.    A fresh new start.

But where do I start?      I've already decided not to make an actual New Year's resolution ... well not a public one any way.     What I've stated publically is that I plan to get older, one day at a time.   That's it.   Nothing fancy.   No hopes.   No plans.   No dreams.   That's publically at least.

If I were to be honest.   The only thing I want to make a New Year's resolution to do is to be healthier in 2014.   To me that's being more active and eating better.    By eating I really mean more whole food smoothies.   And way more raw food in my diet, etc.

As for work.   I know I have to do something drastic.    I know I have to leave work at Switchboard and get serious about doing something else.   My piece of mind depends on it.

So that's my plan for 2014.    There, I've stated it ... let's just see what happens next.

Tomorrow I'm Turning 50

This is my last day being in my 40's.    Even writing it makes me sad.   I was going to say sick to my stomach but that wasn't correct either.    I had a hard time turning 30.   I had a hard time turning 40.   This is also a very hard time for me.    40 seemed so middle age to me.   50 seems like the beginning of old age to me.     It's difficult because I haven't done things that I've wanted to do yet.    Some things I have done.   I've had kids and that was important to me.   We've bought a house, that is also very important.   

 

But there seems to be so much left to do and it feels like I'm running out of time to do it.     The sad thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore because I haven't made it a priority to keep these hopes and dreams.

 

I would really love a job that I love.   I would like to be happier.    I would like not to be afraid.    I don't even know if there is enough time for that.

 

I haven't seen half the stuff I thought I'd see.   I haven't done enough things either.

 

My life has been pretty simple and basic.    Sometimes that's good and it brings me comfort to know that I have it as good as I do.   Then at other times I wonder what it would have been like to do more things, see more things.     Would that have made turning 50 easier?    I can't even begin to guess.

 

December Already!?

I turn 50 in two days.   I'm not too happy about it but what can I do except nothing.    Jonathan has invited my mom to come and visit us so she will be here for one week.      It will be nice but I'm also hoping it goes well.   She arrives on Saturday afternoon and leaves on Friday afternoon.   The weather here in Calgary has just taken a turn for the worse a couple of days ago when a blizzard blew through here and dumped a bunch of snow and really cold weather.      I think the cold might be an issue for her.

 

Today I bought a new vacuum because my old one sounded like it was on it's last leg.    I didn't spend a ton of cash on this new one and it seems to work quite well.     So I'm happy about that ... but not so happy to spend the money just before Christmas.  Oh well eh?

 

I wanted to have my Christmas decorations up by now but Jonathan decided to paint the family room and put the brakes on me doing it on my last work break at the end of November.    I think I'll tackle it tomorrow and see how much I get done.    I really like it when the house is all decked out for Christmas and wanted to get it done super early this year.

 

I took Jillian's computer into Kurt to see how much it would take to fix it.   Turns out it will be about $210.00 in parts + labour and GST.    So Jillian doesn't think she'll fix it.   I feel bad.   I really wanted it to be a small fix. 

 

So that's my big update for this afternoon.    I'll write more tomorrow I think.      

Another List

On FB I was given the number 6.   This means I had to write 6 things people may or may not know about me.

1. I was a horrible speller in elementary/jr. high. Now it bugs me to the ends of the earth to see things mis-spelled. LOL, now I'm hoping I don't do it.

2. I could eat popcorn every day, seriously.

3. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up.

4. I'm seeing a master herbalist and I'm so happy I found her.

5. I enjoy time spent alone. Well, alone with my dog with no phone.

6. I wish I was a cat that always landed on my feet. You get what I mean, not an actual cat, just the always landing on my feet part. I wish this because it doesn't happen to me.

Well that was a small list of things I managed to come up with.    But there are more that I didn't share.

7.  I don't like the job I'm doing but I don't know how to give it up without feeling guilty.

8.  I sometimes regret quitting Westjet and then I remember the lousy working hours and lousy pay and somehow forgive myself.

9.  I wish I was happier, sometimes a cloud hangs over my head and I just can't shake it.

10.  I hate that I'm getting older and haven't done half the things I've wanted to do.   Getting older and all the changes that go along with it aren`t pleasant ... they are downright scary.

11.  I worry way too much about everything and I don't know how to stop.

12.  I've always wanted someone to really take care of me.   A bit of a Cinderella complex I'm afraid.

13.  When people don't talk to me it bothers me more than I let on.    But I won't ever let on.

14.  I want to live somewhere I can have a big garden, grow some of my own food, have some more animals (pets) in my life.

15.  I really wish I would have had the opportunity to go to school after high school.   I have a lot of resentment around that.

16.  My kids growing up and not needing me is really hard.   Raising them are the only things in my life that I think I've done really well.    I know them not needing me really means I've been successful but I miss them needing me.    Crazy, I know.

17.  I would like to be more creative but I feel I can't be without being criticized.   I signed up for an art class a couple of years ago and Jonathan mentioned it over drinks with Randy and Glenna and it didn't come across as positive at all.   I was crushed.   

18.  I wish I could have had a real wedding and I wish I could have had it when I was young and beautiful.

19.   Many times I don't feel like I have any control in my life.    That makes me sad for my future.

20.  I want to start running ... but then I might run away.

What To Be When I Grow Up?

I remember being little and people asking, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"      I remember being so sure and determined and telling them that I wanted to be a veterinarian.   For me there were no other choices, it seems logical and just right.      It wasn't until I was a little older that I started to worry about animals dying and having to deal with that.    That was what made me wonder if it was really the right choice for me.     I didn't have any guidance along the way.   No one to coach me or tell me to follow my heart.      

 

I know for a fact that isn't the kind of parent I wanted to be.      My mom, for the most part, didn't have the energy to go into caring what my particular dreams for the future were.      For her it was a question parents asks children ... a blank question.   

 

When I made the decision to have children of my own, I wanted to really be sure to see what their strengths and weaknesses were so I could really guide them with their life choices, particularly education.  Now I know my mother and I come from different times ... she grew up during the war in Germany.    I'm sure my dreaming and daydreaming seemed pretty frivolous to her.    I'm sure she thought that just getting a job and a paycheque was good enough.       Doing something you loved seemed neither here nor there.

 

But now I'm almost 50 years old and still unhappy with my life choices regarding education and career.      In fact, I am so happy that I almost crave to see my kids do better for themselves and enjoy their lives more than I do.    At this point I would do anything to see them succeed and have fulfilling lives.   I want it more than anything at all.