:(

Sometimes I think my soul is hurting.     It's not a physical hurting but it carries a certain heaviness in my heart that I can't shake.     I know there are many holes in my existence and I can't find anything to mend them.     For a while my kids healed all my hurts ... but now it's different.   They don't need me like they did when they were little and it has torn open the wounds that were scabbing over.    I feel really lost.     I feel like my spark has dulled.   I'm just sort of rattling around inside this life.   

Update

Well this seems like a good time to update this blog on what is new with my life.   Aside from being lonely there have been a few good things.


Firstly, I did take the computer classes.   I took as many as I could get my hands on at SAIT.    I worked my schedule around the computer classes and went on my days off.   I also went to class then sometimes rushed to work afterwards.    It was a lot of planning, running around and a lot of fun.    Most of the time my instructor was Ryan and I really enjoyed his classes along with his sense of humor and knowledge.     I finished Excel, Powerpoint, Visio and Word.    I didn`t get a chance to start Access because I found a new job!


Yes, finally, a new job.    I now work at a community health care centre (vaccination clinic)  close to home and not too far from my old job.    I work with a couple of people I used to work with at switchboard.    One lady still works there and is only casual at the clinic.    The other lady quit switchboard quite a while ago and is the person that told me about the job at this location.    I am very happy I made the move and I`m enjoying it very much.   I have my own desk too.   There are so many freedoms there that I can`t even begin to list them all.    And finally I`m not working late evenings or every other weekend.    I only work 8:00 - 4:30 and a maximum of 4 days a week.    Every now and then I work 3 days a week.   I haven`t escaped weekends totally.   I am scheduled to work 4 Saturday`s a year ... one every 12 weeks.     So there is no complaining coming from me.    I haven`t worked a reception shift on my own yet but at the end of the month I do have two evening shifts where I`ll be working alone and not really liking the idea.    But what can a person do

Sort of Empty Nest

I don't know if it's because I'm PMS'ing or what but I am miserable and bored out of my mind.    I've been giving it some thought and since the kids are all grown up I don't really have much to do anymore.     The house is quiet and I'm lonely.    Jacob is still living at home but he doesn't spend time with me anymore.   He is mostly in his room on the computer working on projects or playing games, or face-timing with his girlfriend.     


I've been trying to get interested in things.   I've thrown myself into computer classes, started a new job and even became a certified manicurist.    But I'm still bored.   At work I can't wait to get home but once I'm here all I am is lonely and bored.     It's crazy I know.

So Lonely

It's been forever since I last wrote.    It's the August long weekend and although I'm happy to have the 3 days off work I am really lonely and not happy.      I've been thinking about it all morning and I've come to the conclusion that the kids growing up has been the hardest thing for me to deal with because they don't need me anymore.     And I've also come to realize that it was me that needed them as much or even more than they needed me.    I was never alone or lonely with them.   There was always something to do, something to say, something to see, something to listen to.    It's really weird that I have this big hole in my life and I don't really know what to do about it right now.   I'm just really miserable.

Jacob leaves for BC with his girlfriend tomorrow morning.   Jillian and Chris are already there in Vancouver visiting friends.   They are leaving for Vancouver Island tomorrow.  Jonathan and I went to Vancouver Island already this summer during Stampede Week and Jacob wasn't interested in going with us because he didn't want to miss the Stampede since he just turned 18 and thought he would miss all the fun.   Funny thing is, he didn't even go until the last day and we were already home by then.   So much for that reasoning.      It just made me sad.       

January 19, 2014

I don't want this to be a blog about every time I'm feeling down I write.   But that's what it's turning out to be.  


I always want to write out my disappointments and sadness rather than discuss them with people who really couldn't care less or even worse are the source of my disappointment and sadness. 


It's easier to just get it off my chest this way and not bother the rest of the world or face them head on and create more of a bad situation.    


I know I have to make some changes in my life and it's scary to think about and even scarier to write about it or say it out loud.


But change has to come and soon.   Firstly I have to change my job.     I'm going to take a MS Excel Level One course next Friday and that's a step in the right direction.    I also have to look at taking some other classes and get things going.   I have to broaden my skills in order to get another job.


I've had a pretty good week, this past week when Jonathan was in Toronto.    Don't get me wrong, I
 missed him but I didn't miss the way he makes me feel all the time.     He wasn't in the house long at all and all I wanted was for him to leave again.   I don't know why he takes such pleasure in making me feel bad.     I don't know what to do.   I'm not happy with how he makes me feel.    Perhaps I am the one that needs to find a job where I am not at home very much.   


Maybe that's what I will wish for.

2014

January 1, 2014

A new year.    A fresh new start.

But where do I start?      I've already decided not to make an actual New Year's resolution ... well not a public one any way.     What I've stated publically is that I plan to get older, one day at a time.   That's it.   Nothing fancy.   No hopes.   No plans.   No dreams.   That's publically at least.

If I were to be honest.   The only thing I want to make a New Year's resolution to do is to be healthier in 2014.   To me that's being more active and eating better.    By eating I really mean more whole food smoothies.   And way more raw food in my diet, etc.

As for work.   I know I have to do something drastic.    I know I have to leave work at Switchboard and get serious about doing something else.   My piece of mind depends on it.

So that's my plan for 2014.    There, I've stated it ... let's just see what happens next.

Tomorrow I'm Turning 50

This is my last day being in my 40's.    Even writing it makes me sad.   I was going to say sick to my stomach but that wasn't correct either.    I had a hard time turning 30.   I had a hard time turning 40.   This is also a very hard time for me.    40 seemed so middle age to me.   50 seems like the beginning of old age to me.     It's difficult because I haven't done things that I've wanted to do yet.    Some things I have done.   I've had kids and that was important to me.   We've bought a house, that is also very important.   

 

But there seems to be so much left to do and it feels like I'm running out of time to do it.     The sad thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore because I haven't made it a priority to keep these hopes and dreams.

 

I would really love a job that I love.   I would like to be happier.    I would like not to be afraid.    I don't even know if there is enough time for that.

 

I haven't seen half the stuff I thought I'd see.   I haven't done enough things either.

 

My life has been pretty simple and basic.    Sometimes that's good and it brings me comfort to know that I have it as good as I do.   Then at other times I wonder what it would have been like to do more things, see more things.     Would that have made turning 50 easier?    I can't even begin to guess.