Seeing Clearly

I really feel upset with my family.   Jonathan still hasn't given me back my clubs and Jillian and Jacob are being just awful.    I don't think I'm in the right place.   I've never felt so all alone and I'm starting to really dislike my own family.

To date, neither Jillian or Jacob have shown me any respect or compassion about what's been going on.    They are just talking to Jonathan ignoring me.   Jon is going out of his way to be overly friendly to them and I know he is doing it to hurt me.

I just never thought the kids would take his side over mine.    They must know I'm hurting and they don't care.  It's making me see more clearly what is right in front of my eyes.  

Learn Something New Every Single Day

Today I received my reply from the Calgary City Police and I also phoned their non-emergency number to get a little advice.   After talking to them it seems that since I don't have the receipts for the golf clubs I can't prove they are mine and it becomes a civil matter to be handled in small claims court.    I know that isn't an option.   What I really wanted to know that it was theft, plain and simple.  But it is more complicated than that and I've learned another lesson about life.     There are a lot of holes in the system and it opens you up to get screwed every single time.     Ouch.

I'm not without a second course of action though.   I did some snooping around on the internet and Facebook and I have the name of the person that has my golf clubs.   Her name is Erin Henderson.   She's a nurse at the Foothills Hospital.   I have her email and local.   It's a little empowering to know what I know.   Today I drafted up a letter letting her know the history of the events leading up to her being in possession of my clubs.    I'm deciding when and if to send the email.    I'm waiting for my chance.   I won't be hasty ...

Things here at home have been awful to say the least.  Jon, the fucktard, continues as if nothing is the matter.  He talked to my mom on Skype the other night in such a chipper tone that I would have liked to bash the back of his head in.  But I didn't.   What I did do is email my mom afterwards to let her know why I was a little down and quiet.   I told her everything and I didn't leave a single thing out.

The more I think about all of this the more I know I will not be with Jonathan.    My five year plan has been re-vamped into my 5 year escape plan.   I know I will have to suffer more humiliation in the process but I'm not going to be quiet about this ... everyone will know why I am leaving ... starting last Thursday.    I've told everyone.   I'm not hiding the fact he is a disrespectful ass hole.   I know I deserve better.

I'm so over it

Well today I had a fight with Jon about my golf clubs.    I know for a fact he doesn't get it and doesn't feel bad about what he did.     I think I know now that he and I can't be together.   Now all I have to do is figure out what to do next.

Step Two

So it's Friday and I haven't talked to Jonathan.    I'm still so mad and my heart is racing all the time ... I can't eat and I'm sick to my stomach.      I made an on-line inquiry to Calgary Police Services to find out if what happened can be called theft.    I think it can and I think I need to do something about it.    If I have to get the police involved to get my golf clubs back I will.

I don't expect that I will receive a reply until early next week since I emailed them on a Friday night.  I wanted to call them this afternoon but I'm just too emotional about it and didn't want to sound hysterical about golf clubs.     But theft is theft.    I've asked Jillian and Jacob what they know about it and who has my clubs but neither will say anything.    Personally I don't think Jillian would know because she doesn't spend too much time with Jonathan but I'm pretty sure Jacob knows something, anything but he won't say a word.     I'm really angry about that too and I won't forget about it.   

I've been totally disrespected and lied to.   I'm so hurt and I know I have to find out what my next step will be.

What the Fuck?!

What happened yesterday totally destroys my sense of trust.    There was one person I trusted and I mean really trusted and that was Jonathan.     Now that trust feeling has been destroyed and I'm left heartbroken and sick to my stomach.     Yesterday just before dinner time I found out that Jonathan sold my golf clubs.    I was already angry that he loaned my clubs to Jason's girlfriend without asking me beforehand.    But last night when he was putting his clubs in the garage I asked him when my clubs will be returned.    That's when he told me that I won't be getting them back.    He sold them.     To say I was mad is an understatement.   Those were my golf clubs!    The clubs he bought for me!    I asked him who he thought was so important that he thought she needed my clubs more than I needed them?   Of course he didn't answer.   He did give me the old "you are crazy look" and he even waved his hand at me like what I was saying didn't matter.    I cried my eyes out in the bathroom.  My head was spinning, I was so mad.   What he did was theft plain and simple.

You know what really gets me.   He picked out the clubs for me.    He picked a driver that I would really like ... light blue with daisy flowers on the shaft.    He bought me shoes with flowers on the soles too.    I haven't had time to golf at all.    Part of me isn't too interested in golfing lately because I don't have the time or the money.   And I work every other weekend ... sometimes I work at least one day every weekend.   So how can I even get out there and golf?   But I did love the clubs and was so happy to have them.     And I knew I had them.   But now I don't have them.     I feel betrayed.     I'm really at a loss.

What makes it even worse is that on Sunday night when I didn't want to have sex he made a threat that I need to start treating him better or else.     I did ask him if that's a threat ... by saying,  "you're threatening me?"     I got out of bed and went downstairs and read until 3:00am until I calmed down a little bit.

So this week has been a bit of write-off.   I know this is something we cannot recover from.   What happened was the final disrespect that I will take.    I'm done and I don't even care.  

Yesterday while I was crying I decided to just get out of the house and I did.     I got in the car and just started to drive.    The sun was bright and setting so I headed north so the sun wouldn't be in my eyes.    I ended up in Red Deer.    I had to stop because I had to pee and figure out how to get back the opposite direction and home again.     I stopped at Walmart, went to the bathroom, bought cookies for the dog and some yarn for myself and a coke at McDonalds and headed back home.

I got home after 9:30 and everyone was asleep.  Even Jillian was asleep, even though I didn't know it at the time and only realised it when it was 2:00am and she wasn't walking in the door.    What I did see when I walked in the door was my golf shoes in the original box and money put together with a paperclip with a post-it note saying, "here is your shoes and money."    I was so mad I didn't even touch any of it.     So that makes it better?     Putting money on the table makes it better?     Did he rush out to the bank machine and get the money just to shut me up?    Did he drive to Jason's girlfriend's house and get my shoes back?     Just what the fuck is going on here?   I think there is more to this than meets the eye.    I may not have all the details but I am not stupid.   There is way more going on here and I've keeping my guard up.     I've been hurt twice this week and I know this isn't the last time I'll be hurt ... I'm just waiting for the hammer to drop.

Visit From Marge is Over

Well yesterday Marge went home.    I think it was a good visit overall.    I took her to Cross Iron Mills and Chinook Centre, one each day.     She seemed to like it but did comment that Cross Iron was a lot of walking and had to sit down because she was tired.

Jacob slept on the couch the whole time she was here.   I don't think that he got a really good rest though.   He was happy to be back in his own bed.

Yesterday evening we went over to Glenna and Randy's for some wine and to visit.    Although we didn't talk about it with Randy, Glenna told us his last test showed that he isn't getting enough blood to 3 areas at the bottom of his heart.   Apparently that result was unusual and the results will be forwarded to his cardiologist.  He is concerned and rightly so.   I would be worried too.    He thought he was making really good progress so this threw him for a loop.     Perhaps it did throw me too ... even though I don't think it should personally bother me ... it somehow does.     At the end of the month he will go to his cardiologist and discuss the next step.     It could mean another surgery but only time will tell.

Tomorrow we are having our turkey dinner.   I've invited Teresa, Kevin and family and of course, Uncle Wally.    I'll be busy as heck but I'm looking forward to it.   Today I have to run to the store and pick up things for tomorrow's big dinner.    So off I go.

Horoscope for Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sagittarius:
Many of you are dabbling in secret love trysts and mysterious affairs (verrrry interesting). You're certainly working behind the scenes. Quiet research will pay off. Time spent alone will feel like a luxury. (You're playing your cards very close to your heaving bosom).
Are they kidding?   I read this horoscope on Sunday at work and just about fell off my chair.   Now I don't know about trysts or affairs but I did have coffee with an old friend on Saturday after work.    Someone I knew a long time ago.   This someone has recently been writing emails to me and I always enjoy reading them and answering back.   I was looking forward to going for coffee too ... is that wrong?     It sort of feels wrong to me.   I know I'm just happy that someone is listening to me and it seems like he really hears me.    I always feel like I'm not being heard.    It really hurts and this old friend sort of heals the wounds.   Weird I know.   

I did get a strange comment from him though.    He asked why I never mention Jonathan in my "5 Year Plan".  I don't know why he asked me ... but he mentioned that he thought it was sad.    Really?    Saying "we are paying off our mortgage in 5 years" implies I am not doing it alone doesn't it?   Me not mentioning Jonathan, by name, is sad?    My thought process about that is ... I wouldn't talk about my kids constantly to a person who is trying to have kids and can't.    Why on earth would he want to hear about Jonathan and I?   I sort of think it would be in bad taste.    You know, when Penny and I get together I don't carry on about Jonathan.   Sure she's my girlfriend so she hears the odd "fuck I can't stand him" rant, but once it's over, we're laughing again and all is good.    It's just sounding board stuff ... we both do it ... it's what friends are for.    But as for always talking about him ... no I just don't ... not to anyone.   I don't think it's weird.

So I don't know ... maybe he isn't hearing me as much as I thought or hoped he was.    I just don't know what to think really.   Coffee didn't turn out exactly the way I had planned but it wasn't a total shit show either.     So for the "mysterious, secret and working behind the scenes" mentioned in the horoscope yes, I am doing some quiet research and I guess it's paying off.   I'm learning quite a bit.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This Thanksgiving weekend I've worked all three days -- Saturday through to Monday.    

Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner over at Jer's house and dinner was really good.   I however, had possibly the worst time ever.   I don't know what it is but I felt so out of place.   Actually, I felt as if I wasn't even wanted there.   The people that made me feel like that were Jer and Jeff, Jonathan's brothers.   I don't know what it is about those two but it's feels like a freeze out and I don't know what I do to deserve it.  Jer is the worst, I swear he doesn't even make eye contact with me.   To be honest, I don't like Jer, he is arrogant and so self absorbed, it's always driven me nuts.   But I always go over with an open mind, always hoping for the best and more often than not, I'm always disappointed, always sad that I bothered at all.

When I got home last night I was so done ... all I wanted to do was sleep.   So many things were spinning in my mind.   I was wondering if that's why Jonathan hasn't wanted to get married.   Perhaps his brothers having some objection to me is actually making him not want to get married.   My head was spinning and I was miserable.

Tomorrow I work noon until 3:30 to cover a medical appointment for one of my co-workers.   It will be a short day and that's good.    Afterwards either I or Jonathan will pick up Marge (Jonathan's mom) from Jer's house and she will stay at our house for 6 days.     You know, Jonathan just told me today before I left for work that Marge may only be staying with us until Friday.   It's not what she told me, but oh well eh?

I was suppose to call her today before 10:00am to let her know when I was working but I slept in to almost noon so I missed her.   She was spending the day with Debra and was leaving at 10:00am.  I left Jonathan a few messages this evening asking him to call his mom and let her know my schedule and figure out which one of us was going to pick her up.  But I haven't heard from him and don't know what's up.

What's Going On Here?

What does a person do?     I've had the weirdest day.    I work every other weekend and today I had the day off.   I know when I'm sitting at work I'm always a little down because I'm at work and the rest of my family is here at home enjoying some time off.    This morning I slept in which was wonderful but it was mostly down hill from there.

I drove Jillian to work just before noon.  Jonathan was heading out to play golf again ... second time in two days.   That left Jacob and I at home.   I had the idea to go to the Halloween Distributors store which appeared to be now open.   I brought the matter up when I walked in the door only to have Jacob inform me that he had to do a project with his friend for school.   How could I get upset about that.  He phoned his friend and found out that he would have to wait until after dinner to do the project.    Then I jumped at the chance of going to the store with him but he said he was going to phone John and spend the day with him.     I can't tell you how crushed I was.   I mean I was really, really hurt.    But things being what they are I said good-bye to Jacob as he rode his bike to John's house and I grabbed my book and started reading.    I wish I would have liked the book more but what the heck.

Afterwards I made a decision to go to Sears and see if the Levi jeans were still on sale this weekend.   They were but it was buy one get one for free and I couldn't find a second pair of jeans to fit me.  I couldn't even get a second pair like the one that did fit.   I was screwed.    So I talked it over with the saleslady and decided to buy the jeans at regular price and go to Chinook Centre and see about getting another pair there and getting a price adjustment or something.     She scanned the jeans and they were $35.00 exactly 50% off.   Just what I wanted ... I was so happy.    I rushed home to put them on and get ready to go to a movie with Pat and Jodie only to find the dye tag still attached.   I couldn't wear them after all.    It was sort of how my day was going.

I saw the movie Marwencol and enjoyed myself.   I picked up and dropped off Pat and was home just after 9:00pm.   I got home and was telling Jonathan about the movie and he could have cared less.    I told him about the Levi sale at Sears and same thing, it seemed like he could care less.

So it got me thinking ... what is going on here?     I don't get it!    There is more to this day than the events I think.    I think I need to rethink some things.