February Already?

OMG, it's February already! Where does the time go? I mean seriously ... where does the time go? Sadly I know that sometimes it is just wished away. By this I mean times like when I'm sitting at work hoping the time would just pass as quickly as possible. That's not good. Thankfully I don't work enough to wish most of my life away. But this weekend I did exactly that.

We are in the middle of another cold snap along with piles of snow. It's to be expected, we live in Canada, the great white north. But just last week we experienced a record high and now this. I love all the snow. I love driving in it. I am also thankful that I don't have to rely on public transit, waiting in the cold, etc.

I was watching some TV this morning (a day off) and saw a comedian who said he is in "middle life". He is about 40 years old. The host of the show said, "no, you're not middle aged yet!". He said, it's like life is a football game, he's at half time and he's looking back saying, "well I played that first half pretty poorly ... ". It got me thinking. When does mid-life officially start? I'm thinking he was right if you base it on the fact that we will live until 75 or 80 years old. Some may live more, some less. But as far as averages go, yep, this is middle age.

I also thought about his comment about half time. I don't know if I played the first half poorly but I didn't play it thoughtfully. I didn't play it with intention or planning. I've gotten to where I am, be it good or bad by a series of events that fell into my lap. Really. So if I can say, "I played it poorly", it was just that it wasn't really played ... it just happened to me. Wow, that is a lot to take in.

With this notion spinning around in my head, it makes we wonder how I will play out the next half. Continue to leave it up to fate? Continue to be a passenger in the car of life? Or do I take the wheel and do a couple of laps around the block where I really take some control of what happens?

It's easier to do as I have done. But with it comes a little disappointment, know I've not lived up to my potential.

WTF

WTF.    Today Jonathan gets home from work and asked if I'll have a problem sitting with Jason and his girlfriend at the Acklands Grainger Winter Party next Saturday.    What does that even mean?    Is he expecting that I'm going to be a total loon or something?     Okay, I don't even know what to say about that one.   I'll admit I'd be much, much happier if they weren't there at all.   But on the other hand, it is also my opportunity to see what's up.  Am I looking forward to this?   No, not really but I'll make the best of it, just like I do everything else in my life.

The other evening we went out for dinner and drinks with Randy and Glenna to this restaurant over in Glenmore Landing.    They bought us some champagne to celebrate the wedding news.   It was nice.    Over the course of the evening talk turned to vacation destinations and Jonathan mentioned that he and I would be going to Palm Springs in February.     This was another WTF moment.   I didn't let on that I was surprised by this news and the conversation just went on as normal.     Yesterday evening I asked Jonathan when I was suddenly invited to this get-a-way.    Then he launches into his big "well nothing is guaranteed yet, I have to make a call and see just what kind of a deal it is", etc.      He also made a reference that I was always invited to go.   My F'ing ass I was.   This was a golf holiday for his brothers and him.     Originally I thought it was for Jeff, Dawn, Jon and I but in less than 24 hours I was told otherwise.   So if I am to assume that I was always invited, I must be on some pretty good drugs or a total looser or something.

I haven't had the chance to go and have coffee with Penny since the wedding.   I'm dying to go and talk to her.  I need to see what her take is on the feelings I have over this wedding.    How come I'm so sick and tired of hearing that Jonathan is such a great guy to spring this wedding on me?     I'm still feeling slightly ripped off about the whole thing.    And to sit at the party on Saturday and hear more of it ... seriously, I may blow my top.    I need to let off a bit of steam before then.   Or I need her take on it so I can get my head around it some.       

Unbelievable Update

It's been a long time since I last wrote.   There are many, many reasons for this. 

Number One reason, Christmas and all the running around trying to get things ready.   My mom came to Calgary on December 21st and it was a blur from the moment she arrived in town.   I didn't work while she was here, in fact I took a couple of holiday days and blocked myself off the schedule just to be sure I wouldn't be called in.

The Number Two reason, I got married.   I can hardly believe it myself.    Jonathan proposed to me on December 23 at the 360 Restaurant on top of the Calgary Tower.    He didn't tell me where we were going but said to dress up.   I really figured we were going to the restaurant at Lake Bonavista since I'd never been there before and he has said many times that it was a nice place.

The proposal was nice.   After dinner he had the waiter bring by a little box for me.   It arrived at the table with two glasses of champagne, which was really nice.   I asked Jonathan if he ordered it and he said, "no".    So I wondered why he was lying.    When I opened the box there was a little folded note written on card stock with my name on the front.   In the note he had written, "I've always loved you and always will.  Will you marry me?"     I was surprised and turned the note over and he had written the date on the back.   I laughed and said, "Did you date this because you knew I would keep it?"    We had a laugh about that too.

I didn't answer right away mostly out of shock.    I didn't in a million years think that's what this dinner was about.    I really thought he wanted to make up for all the fighting we had been doing since October.   I thought the box had a necklace or bracelet in it because this wasn't a ring box at all.   The ring was still being sized and wouldn't be ready until the next day (I found out later).  So I sat there and we laughed a bit and then he asked me what my answer would be.   I said something like, "After 25 years of waiting, what do you think?"    Then he said he needed an answer because there was a part two to this and he needed my answer first.   Then I think I just said, "yes".     I asked him then if part two was him telling me he was pregnant.  We laughed about that one too.   

Then the biggest shock, he asked if we could get married on Christmas Eve, the very next day.    I was more than shocked, stunned might be a better word.   He said he had it arranged that someone would come to our house at 4:00pm Christmas Eve to marry us.    That's when it became a little less fun for me.    I know almost everyone I've told, thought that was quite the effort and quite romantic but I had zero time to make it a special day, the day I've dreamed of and put so much thought into.   It felt very out of my hands.    He said it would be nice to get married on Christmas Eve because I liked Christmas so much and both of our moms were in town, etc.    Oh the pressure.    I didn't agree to this quickly feeling so much pressure and feeling so overwhelmed.   I said things like, "I don't have a dress or flowers and I ate the pasta, I would have never eaten so much if I would have known that tomorrow I was getting married."    I wanted to say no ... absolutely no, after waiting 25 years, I want my day to be special, really special, not just thrown together.   But I felt more pressure than I could stand and said, "okay" with a lot of mixed emotions.   Jonathan then made a couple of calls.  He called the lady to tell her I said yes and 4:00pm would be fine.   Then he made another call.   Minutes later Jillian, Jacob, Chris and my Mom joined us at the table.   They were looking so excited and I think I must have looked like I was still in shock ... sort of laughing about it and sort of stunned.
We had a drink and a toast (I think) and sat around and chatted for a little while.    Hell I have no idea what we talked about really.   But they looked happy even if I wasn't feeling it myself.   Jonathan called his mom and I called Uncle Wally.    That was going to be it for a guest list.   Once we got into the car I mentioned that we are going to have some really angry people in our lives and he agreed and gave me the phone so I could call Teresa and Penny.   He then called Jer.    Okay things were a little better then ... less people would be mad at us now.

Chris, Jillian and Jacob offered to go shopping for me since I needed a few things for our Christmas Eve fondue and now that we were going to be getting married I thought we needed a few snacks too.   They were so wonderful running out to SuperStore around midnight to pick these things up for me.   They came back to the house with a couple of  Poinsettia plants too.   This was was so nice and for some reason made me feel better to have some flowers in the house.   I know that is weird.   While they were gone shopping Jonathan and I cleaned the house.    I know, that's weird too.  Thankfully there wasn't too much to do.   He re-arranged the furniture to accommodate the wedding.  I cleaned the floor, he vacuumed, I dusted ... again, lucky there wasn't too much to do.

I slept that night but not great ... I tried to put things out of my mind.   I knew the day would be less than perfect and I had to be okay with it.  The day would be what it would be.   No worrying or fretting would make it better and I knew that.

On Christmas Eve we went out to get our marriage license.  Then we went to pick up our rings at Southcentre Mall.  As we walked into the mall, I said, "you know I'm going to look for a dress don't you?"    He said that he figured I would want to.   I told him I'd go into one store only and see what I could find.   If I didn't find one, I wouldn't stress and would wear something I have at home.   Just as a side note, I have nothing to wear at home except that suit I wore the night before and I really didn't want to get married in a brown suit.    I went to LeChateau and within 15 - 20 minutes had the dress picked out with the help of the girls in the store.   I tried 3 dresses on ... two were good but they liked the one I ended up buying.   I had no time to second guess.      When I met up with Jonathan outside the jewelry store me mentioned that there was a flower shop around the corner.   We went over and all they had for red flowers were roses, not a favorite of mine.   So I said, "Let's go over to Safeway and see what they have."      So there we were in Safeway looking at more red roses.    I was disappointed but didn't show it and he stood in line to buy them.   While I was looking I spotted a bunch of flowers, red with white daisies.  I held them up and showed them to Jonathan, they were much more to my liking and we bought them instead.   They were $20.00.    A stop to the liquor store then back home to get ready for the event.    I don't think it had really sunk in yet.

Jillian was so much help that afternoon.   She prepared food platters so there would be snacks before and afterwards.   I couldn't have done it without her, she really worked hard to make it so much less stress for me.    I got a hold of Penny and asked her if she was able to come by around 4:00pm and she said she could come over now if I needed her.  I told her I was getting married and she screamed I think ... anyway another conversation that is a complete blur.    She was able to join us too so that made things a little better for me.