Back To Normal

So I think I'm officially out of my funk.   Honestly I don't know what got into me.    But thankfully it's over and I'm feeling a more like myself now.

This afternoon at work I applied for a job with EMS dispatch.    Heaven knows if I'll get a call but it was kind of nice just to apply and put myself out there.

Today after work I met Penny for a coffee.  We always have a pretty good time talking and visiting ... walking around the mall and looking at things.   I feel like I don't need to say it but she bought things ... three skirts to be exact.    I did see a couple of things I liked too which is odd.   Perhaps I will go back and check things out one day on my own.   But we'll see.

Good Bye to Summer

It continues to rain outside.   It's been raining for days I think.  Or perhaps it only feels like it.   Either way, it's been a cold, wet summer and it's turning out to be a cold, wet autumn too.     I was out in the garden yesterday afternoon and picked all the stuff I could.   There wasn't much to be had but I did get two big zucchini's and some green beans, a couple really small green peppers and that was pretty much it.    I haven't looked at the carrots yet but to be honest they still look like baby plants so I can't imagine the carrots growing in the ground are any better.

We had a light frost and it's noticeable on the zucchini plants and the tomato plants.    The leaves on the trees are turning yellow and are rapidly falling to the ground.    Summer is over and yet it feels like it never really got started.    It's disappointing really.

Time For A Change

Back at work again.   I still have a rocking headache.   I've had the blasted thing all day.   I've taken lots of Advil this afternoon but nothing is working and I'd really hate to take more.   I've picked up a shift for Thursday morning over at FMC/ACH.   And as much as I hate it I think working and making the money is going to be worth it.

I still think I need a change of pace although I'm not sure at all what I plan to do about it.    I'll have to give it some serious consideration.

My Heart's Not In It Anymore

I've come to the conclusion that my heart just isn't into work anymore.   Not that's it's been a driving passion of mine or anything but I've enjoyed the last couple of years.    I really hated the first year ... I mean really hated it to the point where I had to talk myself into going in every single day.   But now I go and for the most part look forward to it.   It's the people I enjoy, my co-workers (for the most part) are really fantastic people.

Just this past weekend I found out that our rotations are changing and the two days I enjoy the most (my two 2:45 shifts at RGH/PLC) are moving over to FMC/ACH.    I'm really upset about it.     These two shifts are the ONLY shifts I love working.   I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.    I'm upset and mad.    Upset and mad have become reoccurring themes in my writing lately.   Sadly there is nothing I can do about it.    My place of work isn't what it once was ... there are too many stupid rules ... there are too many stupid changes.   I'm wondering if I just shouldn't look around for something else.    I'll have to keep my eyes open and put it out the the universe that I need a change.   Crap do I need a change!

September 1, 2010

September already.   I love fall, but it seems like it's come along too soon this year.   This may actually be the worst summer we've experienced here in Calgary.    The weather today was really cool and very windy, we even got some rain this afternoon.

The weather has been quite lousy and so has my mood.   I think the two are totally unrelated ... no, I know the two are totally unrelated.

I'm feeling continually restless and I have so much on my mind I could just scream (if I was a screamer).    I'm feeling rather unsettled and I don't know what to do about it.    The old topic of getting married is on my mind.   I know it's on my mind because I've been to a wedding this summer (Holly's), Pat's son got married and Shevaughn, from work, was in a wedding party recently.   Now I'm really happy for them all, but it leaves me wondering why on earth Jonathan has never wanted to marry me.    In fact, the more I think about it, the more upset I get about the whole thing.    It leaves me feeling a little unworthy or something.    And to tell the truth, I haven't the slightest idea what makes me so unworthy.    It's very frustrating.    Frustrated is only a starting point though, it makes me sad and mad too.    I wonder if I've wasted my life a little?   I wonder if perhaps there was someone out there that would have put my feelings first?    I'm left with a lot of questions.   Questions I know will be very hard to answer.

Great news!

As I said last time, life is always changing, and this time it was a good change.   Tonight when I was at work, Jillian called me to tell me that she made it into the Nursing Program at Mount Royal University.    What a relief!    I can honestly say we've been on the edge of our collective seats waiting for this crucial piece of information.    She checked this morning and she was still listed as 'conditional' but it all changed when she checked again this evening.    I'm so happy for her.   I know the next four years are going to be a challenge but this is what she wants and we are, over the moon, happy for her.

My Family

Life is constantly changing and mine is no different.    I worked yesterday and found out from my co-workers that my aunt Emma in Germany died.   What a way to find out eh?    The aunt I work with didn't tell me anything.    I quickly phoned home to get a hold of someone.   After several attempts I reached Jonathan.   I worried that if I didn't know perhaps no one else knew ... a good assumption, considering no one had told me about it.    Jonathan offered to call my mom and Uncle Wally.    I was grateful.    After he made the calls he phoned me back and said neither of them seemed to react or seem concerned.   Weird, I thought, but whatever.    I called Teresa on my break to let her know too.

I don't know exactly when I found out ... did Jonathan tell me at work or afterwards ... but my uncle Otto from Caroline, had called my mom to let her know.   My mom had called Uncle Wally to fill him in afterwards.   The exact date he called my mom s unclear.   My mom told Jonathan that she found out Saturday evening.  But when I talked to her on the phone around 8:00 yesterday she was confused and said she either got the call on Friday night or Saturday night.    I know it's splitting hairs but the timing is important to me.    If she found out on Friday or Saturday night, why did I have to hear it from the ladies at work on Sunday.   Why didn't anyone phone me?    I'm perplexed and upset.

The minute I found out, I immediately was concerned about everyone I figured didn't know either.   I got on the phone right away and told people.   Gosh, it's only right isn't it?    I was so worried that mom or uncle Wally didn't even know their oldest sister had passed away.    That brings me to the point, why the hell do I worry so much about doing the right thing when it's obviou,s to me, that no one else cares to do the same?

My mind is still reeling.    I know I have a crazy, stupid family.    I know that.   I've tried to wrap my mind around it, I've tried to heal it.    I've tried to ignore the depths of dysfunction.   But right now, it's all too much.   I'm feeling let down again.    I'm feeling like it can't be fixed and most of all, I'm feeling like I don't want to be a part of it.   Let them function on their own ... I'm so done.