Depressed X2

This afternoon I had coffee with Penny.   We took our teas and walked around the mall (our usual MO).    Right off the bat she started talking about how depressed she was.   Of course she tempered it with quotes from her son saying she wasn't depressed but she was feeling down.     Exactly like I'm feeling.     Is it the time of year that is getting us down?    I don't know.     She offered the explanation that it's probably because it feels like it's been a long winter.    If you ask me winter always seems kind of long but it hasn't  been a bad winter by any means.     

 

If you ask me that can't be the reason for depression.     Sometimes things just get overwhelming and it's hard to dig out of it.   Being sad or depressed can't really come from the weather.   It's a personal opinion but if it weather had so much to do with it everyone would fall into depression and that's not the case.

 

Either way, it's unusual that both of us are feeling so down.   No easy explanation to be found.    No matter how you look at it. 

Postcards



Postcards are nice in a way.    It means someone was thinking about you while they were away.    It also means you weren't there.   They let you see what you are missing.   

 

Sometimes they say "wish you were here" and sometimes they say "look what we are doing".

 

Either way, the card comes from somewhere, somewhere you are not.   It becomes a glaring reality that people are doing exciting or interesting things that you are not doing.   

 

I have this particular postcard sitting on my dresser in my bedroom.    What is written on the back is sweet enough but it just makes me sad.

 

I thought I'd write about it here instead of just having the feelings stuck in my head and heart.    This card comes from a young co-worker that is filling her life with traveling the world.     She works full time with the region and I often wonder how on earth she can take all the time off work to do this.    The full time job she has is the one I wanted.    So I am filled with very much resentment and jealously.   I know if I was given the job I would be working at my job.   Not ask for LOA's all the time to travel.      

 

What it boils down to is jealousy.    I'm not proud of that but it seems like she is rubbing my nose in the fact that she has the best of both worlds.     She has the job I would have wanted (at the time) and she is zipping around the world collecting memories and seeing things I could only dream of seeing.     It's sad that I feel like this.   I can't even be happy for her any more.  

 

Part of me wants to throw the postcard away but then I read the back and then I can't.   They are her memories she's making.   And while out there she did think of me, even for a moment.    I suppose I'll be keeping the card for a while longer.    It sits on the dresser, just like I am sitting here.

Happy Again?

Today I posted this on my Face Book page.    Seems like a simple enough saying but it is easier said than done.   

 

I don't know what kind of slump I'm in but it's one that is really hard to get out of.     I make plans to do things, projects and it's like my feet are stuck in mud.   I can't get going and I don't care.

 

I'm still getting my vacation days over with and they are as boring as ever.   I don't have plans to do anything exciting ... and perhaps even if I did I wouldn't care too much anyway.  

Depressed

I'm come to realise that I'm in some sort of depression.    I can't really shake this feeling of just feeling sad.    At times I put the feelings down to things happening around me making me feel awful but now I'm just pretty sure I just feel depressed.     It more or less started after Stuart died, that I know for sure.    I just haven't been the same since then.

 

I tried to make things better.   I've gone so far as getting a new dog.   Although I think she is good for me and I think we are good for her, something is missing.     I keeping telling myself that I love her and maybe I do, but something is missing.   Something so big that it's making me more sad than I was before.    I wanted to get a dog and just be happy but I've come to realise it isn't as easy as that.
 

 

Truthfully, I don't know what to do now.   I'm feeling a little trapped and confused.    Most of the time I just want to run away from everything and everyone.      It feels like I just can't do anything right, or say anything right or even feel anything right.   I just want to stay at home or in bed.   I want to read all day and not talk to anyone.    The effort it takes to get to work is crazy.     Heck, it takes more effort than I can say to do anything, even walk the dog.     I've forced myself over and over again to do things, hoping I'll just snap out of it but it isn't getting any easier for me.   

 

I feel like there is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I can't get out from under it.  

Stay-cation

This is the first day of my work imposed "stay-cation".    What a crock of shit.    Sure it would be great to have vacation days if it was nicer outside and I could work in the garden, go for a long walk and generally enjoy the day.   But no, I have to take the vacation days before the end of April.     It would also be nice if I could go somewhere.    I can't even drive out to see my mom because the roads through the mountains are too unpredictable at this time of year and it's not worth risking life and limb just to go.    

 

What really makes me upset is them telling me when I have to use the vacation days.   And if I didn't they would do it for me.     It just feels all wrong.    Seriously, if I would have known I had to use these last few days up I would have taken them before or at Christmas when I could have really used the time off.    Who wants it now?    I know I don't.   I can't go anywhere, it's not nice enough outside to do anything I'd enjoy doing.   

Work ... so much crap

Work is getting more and more stupid all the time.   We are getting more and more restrictions on what we are allowed to access or do while we are at work.    It's really ridiculous.   What it has come down to is lousy management.   We all know it and we all say it.    It's a shame.

  

In April I'll probably be given the opportunity to move to a 0.6 and now more than ever I'm wondering if I even want it.      There was a time when I wanted full time and now the thought of increasing my part time hours has me worried.     If I am offered more hours I will take it and I can always change my mind and go back to my old point if I want to.    It's just too bad that I'm not looking forward to it anymore.

 



Valentine's Day

I've never disliked Valentine's Day but this year it has left a little to be desired.    First off, Jacob's girlfriend breaks up with him on February 13th, one day before Valentine's Day.    I feel just awful for him.   He had made an appointment to take his driver's test on February 14th and go out for lunch with his girlfriend.   It would have been his first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend.   He was disappointed and I just felt so bad for him.

I try not to make a big deal out of the day itself.    I buy a card and I get everyone some candy.   Something to make them think that I'm thinking about them.    Yesterday Jacob and I wanted to meet Jonathan for lunch and actually bring him lunch as a surprise.     Well Jonathan didn't want us to go there.  So Jacob and I drove to Peter's Drive Inn and drove back home to surprise Jonathan with a treat that we seldom have.

Jonathan didn't open his card and for most of the day didn't touch his candy or even acknowledge it.    And I received nothing.   Not one thing from anyone.    Although I don't make a big deal out of the holiday I thought at least I would get a card.    I was wrong ... really, really wrong.   And truthfully, I'm hurt.   I have feelings too.

On the good side, Jacob did pass his driving test and now has his driver's licence.    And the day after Valentine's Day his old girlfriend says she's made the biggest mistake in breaking up with him.     I'm hoping he does not go back out with her again.   I didn't like her that much at all.    She is in love with herself.    He deserves a girl that loves him and treats him well.

Oh well, it's not for me to say what he should do and only time will tell what will actually happen.   All I do know that this Valentine's Day was particularly rough and I'm sort of pissed.