Tomorrow I'm Turning 50

This is my last day being in my 40's.    Even writing it makes me sad.   I was going to say sick to my stomach but that wasn't correct either.    I had a hard time turning 30.   I had a hard time turning 40.   This is also a very hard time for me.    40 seemed so middle age to me.   50 seems like the beginning of old age to me.     It's difficult because I haven't done things that I've wanted to do yet.    Some things I have done.   I've had kids and that was important to me.   We've bought a house, that is also very important.   

 

But there seems to be so much left to do and it feels like I'm running out of time to do it.     The sad thing is, I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore because I haven't made it a priority to keep these hopes and dreams.

 

I would really love a job that I love.   I would like to be happier.    I would like not to be afraid.    I don't even know if there is enough time for that.

 

I haven't seen half the stuff I thought I'd see.   I haven't done enough things either.

 

My life has been pretty simple and basic.    Sometimes that's good and it brings me comfort to know that I have it as good as I do.   Then at other times I wonder what it would have been like to do more things, see more things.     Would that have made turning 50 easier?    I can't even begin to guess.

 

December Already!?

I turn 50 in two days.   I'm not too happy about it but what can I do except nothing.    Jonathan has invited my mom to come and visit us so she will be here for one week.      It will be nice but I'm also hoping it goes well.   She arrives on Saturday afternoon and leaves on Friday afternoon.   The weather here in Calgary has just taken a turn for the worse a couple of days ago when a blizzard blew through here and dumped a bunch of snow and really cold weather.      I think the cold might be an issue for her.

 

Today I bought a new vacuum because my old one sounded like it was on it's last leg.    I didn't spend a ton of cash on this new one and it seems to work quite well.     So I'm happy about that ... but not so happy to spend the money just before Christmas.  Oh well eh?

 

I wanted to have my Christmas decorations up by now but Jonathan decided to paint the family room and put the brakes on me doing it on my last work break at the end of November.    I think I'll tackle it tomorrow and see how much I get done.    I really like it when the house is all decked out for Christmas and wanted to get it done super early this year.

 

I took Jillian's computer into Kurt to see how much it would take to fix it.   Turns out it will be about $210.00 in parts + labour and GST.    So Jillian doesn't think she'll fix it.   I feel bad.   I really wanted it to be a small fix. 

 

So that's my big update for this afternoon.    I'll write more tomorrow I think.      

Another List

On FB I was given the number 6.   This means I had to write 6 things people may or may not know about me.

1. I was a horrible speller in elementary/jr. high. Now it bugs me to the ends of the earth to see things mis-spelled. LOL, now I'm hoping I don't do it.

2. I could eat popcorn every day, seriously.

3. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up.

4. I'm seeing a master herbalist and I'm so happy I found her.

5. I enjoy time spent alone. Well, alone with my dog with no phone.

6. I wish I was a cat that always landed on my feet. You get what I mean, not an actual cat, just the always landing on my feet part. I wish this because it doesn't happen to me.

Well that was a small list of things I managed to come up with.    But there are more that I didn't share.

7.  I don't like the job I'm doing but I don't know how to give it up without feeling guilty.

8.  I sometimes regret quitting Westjet and then I remember the lousy working hours and lousy pay and somehow forgive myself.

9.  I wish I was happier, sometimes a cloud hangs over my head and I just can't shake it.

10.  I hate that I'm getting older and haven't done half the things I've wanted to do.   Getting older and all the changes that go along with it aren`t pleasant ... they are downright scary.

11.  I worry way too much about everything and I don't know how to stop.

12.  I've always wanted someone to really take care of me.   A bit of a Cinderella complex I'm afraid.

13.  When people don't talk to me it bothers me more than I let on.    But I won't ever let on.

14.  I want to live somewhere I can have a big garden, grow some of my own food, have some more animals (pets) in my life.

15.  I really wish I would have had the opportunity to go to school after high school.   I have a lot of resentment around that.

16.  My kids growing up and not needing me is really hard.   Raising them are the only things in my life that I think I've done really well.    I know them not needing me really means I've been successful but I miss them needing me.    Crazy, I know.

17.  I would like to be more creative but I feel I can't be without being criticized.   I signed up for an art class a couple of years ago and Jonathan mentioned it over drinks with Randy and Glenna and it didn't come across as positive at all.   I was crushed.   

18.  I wish I could have had a real wedding and I wish I could have had it when I was young and beautiful.

19.   Many times I don't feel like I have any control in my life.    That makes me sad for my future.

20.  I want to start running ... but then I might run away.

What To Be When I Grow Up?

I remember being little and people asking, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"      I remember being so sure and determined and telling them that I wanted to be a veterinarian.   For me there were no other choices, it seems logical and just right.      It wasn't until I was a little older that I started to worry about animals dying and having to deal with that.    That was what made me wonder if it was really the right choice for me.     I didn't have any guidance along the way.   No one to coach me or tell me to follow my heart.      

 

I know for a fact that isn't the kind of parent I wanted to be.      My mom, for the most part, didn't have the energy to go into caring what my particular dreams for the future were.      For her it was a question parents asks children ... a blank question.   

 

When I made the decision to have children of my own, I wanted to really be sure to see what their strengths and weaknesses were so I could really guide them with their life choices, particularly education.  Now I know my mother and I come from different times ... she grew up during the war in Germany.    I'm sure my dreaming and daydreaming seemed pretty frivolous to her.    I'm sure she thought that just getting a job and a paycheque was good enough.       Doing something you loved seemed neither here nor there.

 

But now I'm almost 50 years old and still unhappy with my life choices regarding education and career.      In fact, I am so happy that I almost crave to see my kids do better for themselves and enjoy their lives more than I do.    At this point I would do anything to see them succeed and have fulfilling lives.   I want it more than anything at all.

 

Switchboard ... Past, Present and Future

Sitting here thinking about the people that have worked at switchboard and don't work there now.   People I miss so much.

Doug, Sherry, Pam, Lana, Jacob, Micheal C, Micheal P, Chantale, Sonia, Kylie and Roberta.

Then are those people that I just don't work with too much anymore, like Jodie, who went casual recently.

 

They are what made working at switchboard so much fun.     I like the people there now but so much has changed and I don't think it's the same kind of environment it was before.     It was a much friendlier place when I first started.    People aren't as friendly and people are getting bitter.   It's too bad.

 

I thinking of them today because I was offered a 0.7FTE and I accepted it.    I don't know if I want it truth be told.    It's not a fun place to be any more.    I'll do it for a while and see how it turns out.    I won't be holding my breath but I'll be hoping for the best.

Visit With An Irridologist

I went to see an irridologist a few days ago.   It was interesting and a little weird at the same time.   The one thing I wasn't too crazy about was the bio-feedback type of thing they had hooked up to a computer.   It seems a little too out there for me to think it could be believable.  But it seemed to be part of the process, so of course, I went along with it no questions asked.

 

By the time I was done I had three bottles of herbs/etc in my possession.   One bottle is going to help detox my liver/kidneys/thyroid.  One bottle is an amino acid.   The last bottle contains Chinese herbs that will "curb the heat", whatever that means.

 

The whole visit was interesting and there were some things she picked up on very quickly.  My headaches for one.  She also mentioned that my small intestine has trouble absorbing nutrients and mentioned my stomach and intestines were tense, if that was the correct terminology she used.    She says I'm dehydrated and thinks my achilles tendon injury had more to do with being dehydrated.   

 

What she didn't pick up on was my blood pressure problems so to speak.   But she did say my eye itself seemed to be full of pressure.   Same thing?   I don't know.  I didn't bring up any issues because I wanted to see what she would see without any leading from me.

 

Overall, I would say I'm okay with the whole appointment.    I will go back and see her in about two weeks.     She wants me to bring in my vitamins and see if they are doing anything for me.    I'm okay with that too.

 

I'm trying to be pretty open minded about this and it can't hurt.   

 

Lots of Random Stuff

Finished working 3 day shifts and I'm wiped.   Those are really long days ... not any longer than other shifts but they really do drag on and on.

On the weekend I worked the early shift starting at 6:45 then went right into the 3 day shifts.    I'm so ready for some days off -- five days in a row was enough for me.  

 

Some random thoughts:

 

Jacob is wondering when I'm going to have my jaw surgery.    He wonders because he wants to use my car while I can't drive during my recovery.    What do I make of that?

 

Shevaughn is going to Austrailia with her boyfriend at the end of the month.   My guess is that they get engaged there.   I bet I am right!

 

Summer is almost over and it's been a crazy one.    Floods in June that are still affecting High River drastically.   You don't hear too much about Calgary anymore.   I'm wondering if it's just because it's old news, or are things really back to normal now.

 

Jacob starts Grade 12 at the beginning of September.    This is a big year for him and I hope he takes it really seriously.   The SAIT open house is in October this year.     Lots going on for him in the near future.    He bought himself a wonderful computer and he's thrilled with it.    He's still working at Co-Op and he has been working a lot.

 

Still wish I was happier.   Still don't know what to do to make myself happier though.   Still searching.

Scottsdale, AZ Holiday

Back from our summer vacation in Scottsdale, AZ.     I'm really glad to be home too.    It was really hot there and although it was beautiful, it's just another city to hang out in.    The highlights would have been things like the Botanical Garden or Biosphere 2.    But we didn't see either of those.    It was too hot to sit in the backyard or by the community pool.   It may as well have been winter for all the sitting inside I did.   We went to Sedona but Jillian was sick so we didn't really do anything there either.   We did have some nice Mexican food there in a little restaurant that we would have bypassed if it weren't for a recommendation from someone Jonathan talked to.     The guy there was really rough around the edges, almost a little unfriendly, but he warmed up a bit and the food was really good.

 

The highlights of the trip were the different birds all over the place and the grapefruit tree in the backyard.    The hot weather was interesting but even if it would have been 10 degrees cooler we would have been able to spend more time outside and do more things.

 

Jonathan seemed to really like it.   I don't know if it was just because we were in a really nice place or what.   He golfed early in the mornings and enjoyed himself.    Good thing he did -- someone needed to have fun on that holiday.

 

Since we've been home, we really only had two really nice days outside.   The day we arrived home and the day afterwards.   I took the day and took care of the garden.  It was extremely overgrown and crazy.   The pansies in the front garden are almost dead.   I pinched them back a lot and I hope they'll spring back a little.

 

I always look forward to going away but this was boring, very, very boring.        

 

Another Thing That Just Didn't Work Out

I haven't posted in a while because I was so darn busy.   Busy with WestJet and working at Switchboard on the weekends.    

 

Something had to give and it was WestJet.   Sadly I had to let it go.   It wasn't an easy decision for me to make.   In fact it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.     Funny how when you think you've finally got what you've always wanted it doesn't turn out as you would have hoped.

 

What it came down to was scheduling.    Training was for 4 weeks, full time.   So I was told.   What actually was expected was full time for 5 weeks.    Weeks of working in the call centre then back for two more weeks of training.   It wouldn't have been completely finished (training) until the beginning of September.     Seriously, I would have been working 7 days a week just to get the training portion finished.   Then I would have had to quit or go casual at switchboard to make it work.   Part time over at WestJet is 5 days a week - working 32 hours.   They don't put it into 4 shifts, they spread it out over five days.   That makes it next to impossible to have another job for any length of time.

 

Other factors that forced me to make this decision were family.   Mostly Jonathan.    He was griping about me being gone for the initial 4 weeks.    When I saw it wasn't really 4 weeks, my heart sunk.   It was hard coming home every night having him complain about the dog waking up to greet me and waking him up.    I was pretty mad at first because he wasn't getting behind me and my new adventure.   

 

As time went by, I could see that it was more trouble than it was worth right now.    Schedule conflicts and conflicts at home were sucking the life out of me.      

 

I'm still disappointed in my decision.   I felt like my hands were tied.

News Finally Some Good News

Well I finally have some good news.    I've known about it for a while but haven't taken the time to write about it here on-line.     I got a job with WestJet as a Super Sales Agent.   I start my training on June 3rd for 4 weeks.   I am both excited and scared but most of all just pleased that I have an opportunity.

 

There is a lot to learn even before I get there to start my training.    I've been working on and off on my studying airport codes and they are getting a little easier all the time.    I picture above gives a good idea of what I have to learn except there are 86 of the codes to learn.   It's a lot but I'm excited. 

 

We had an evacuation at work on Monday and in the day since I have become more acutely aware that I don't want to be at switchboard anymore.     Moral has been bad for a long time now and it's only getting worse.    I've never seen it before quite like this.     It's gotten to the point where a person really has to watch their back (which is sad).    An example of this is everyone saying how it was good that Lori was our Team Lead when it happened and thank God it wasn't Kathy.    There is something fundamentally wrong when someone is judged in a particular situation when they haven't even been given the opportunity to raise to the occasion or fail on their own accord.    What a shame.     I've heard of back stabbing at switchboard but have never seen it first hand.    I can say I've witnessed it and I'm also happy to say I did say it was wrong to say that.   In fact, I said it several times.    You can never know how a person will step up to a situation when it is presented.   To judge someone - anyone - based on speculation is just plain wrong.      Shame on them.    And although my own speaking up made my point of view and perhaps me very unpopular so be it.

 

I'm excited to be starting something new.    It's exciting and I'm very happy.

 

 

Weekend in Edmonton

This past weekend Penny and I went to Edmonton for the Health and Wellness Show that Jenny produces. All in all, it was pretty good but nothing special. The venue itself was pretty small but the show itself isn't very big either. There were a couple of things that limited the success of this year's show: the weather (too warm) and construction getting to the venue. We even drove past the parking entrance because of the lack of signage.

The main reason I went at all was to see Jenny. She has promised for years to come to Calgary when on her way to Medicine Hat or when she is in Canmore. Since she hadn't made the effort I thought I would. Jenny was very sweet, she put us up at their host hotel. She also gave us passes to enter the show for free. Once we had seen everything we found her walking around giving vendors coffee and water. She then gave us meal tickets so we could buy ourselves lunch. That was super sweet and unexpected.

Health and wellness seems to be loosely translated to weight loss because absolutely everywhere there were vendors selling every type of weight loss program out there. Most of it I find ridiculous and some down-right harmful. The only vendor I liked was the Vitamix one. They were promoting and demonstrating - it was really good. Penny asked me about my own Blentec blender since she admitted she had no idea what on earth made me think it was so great.

One funny thing happened when we were walking around. We spotted the MMA fighter up on the main stage, he looked like a little kid. But his dad was something else to see. He was this massive, good looking fellow. Of course Penny and I commented on how good looking he was and moved on. We watched his son lead a fitness class with four overweight ladies in attendance. The dad came over and asked why we weren't joining them. We laughed it off but he continued to chat up Penny, he was clearly flirting and she was clearly enjoying every minute of it. What I thought was funny, when he asked what she did, she told him she was a dancer. Of course he thought "stripper" and she said "ballet" but quickly added "burlesque" dancing too. I was standing there thinking, "what the hell?". Whatever happened to the truth, I mean, does it matter at all what you do ... what does it mean to a person you don't know? I am still shaking my head at that one. She really likes the attention, that's all I can and will say.

While we were in Edmonton, not on family business, I took the opportunity to see some friends. My first stop was to visit Jan at Christopher Clayton. She is an old friend from the Mayfield Inn days. She looked a little different, a little older but still the same Jan I remembered and adored. She has recently lost a member of her family, Aunt Betty and when we talked about that, it brought tears to her eyes. Too bad I didn't see her when she wasn't under so much personal stress.

When we finished that visit I phoned Colleen and we drove out to St. Albert to the Earls to have dinner with her. That was a fortunate turn of events actually. I had made the phone call just before the dinner hour and worried that I would be interrupting her family's dinner but she said she was alone (husband and foster daughter out of town) and the timing was great. A hope to get together over coffee turned into a great visit over a meal. Colleen is pretty determined to get another Class of 40 reunion going. She wants Penny and I to help getting this thing underway. I'm up for helping, but I don't want to do too much. Is that wrong? Yikes, I hope it's not.

The next morning we took our time checking out, we had until 11:00am so that was nice. I called Lisa Williamson before we left the hotel because she had mentioned that she would like to get together for lunch on Sunday. Truthfully, I knew it would be a 50/50 chance that we would meet. The reason being, she has returned from Hawaii the day before. And when she called back it was to say she wouldn't be able to meet with us after all. She had slept in and now had to run to do some grocery shopping and go to Guy's dad's for his birthday dinner. She seemed genuinely sorry and I sort of knew that might happen so it wasn't a really big deal.

Penny and I ended up at Old Strathcona. I wanted to go to the Farmer's Market because I remember it being so much fun. We found it, parked close by just to find out that they are closed on Sundays. Closed on Sundays!! Really?? Gosh that was a surprise, here in Calgary, Sunday is a very popular day for the Farmer's Market. Luckily we had lots to see along the street itself and didn't really miss it. I made an impulse buy of a little recycled handbag made in the States. The store itself was lovely and the owner had a little female Boston Terrier there that made my heart melt. She looked like an older pup and oh so very sweet. I found out she was a rescue doggy and she warmed up enough to let me pet her a few times. It was a fun store. Penny and I had lunch at a place we spotted while we were walking along. From where we spotted it, it looked interesting. By the time we reached it, it was no more than a cafeteria type place with the wall opened up to the front street. The tiling was half done, meaning columns were left ungrouted. An oversight, or just sloppy, I don't know. We ordered hamburgers and fries. We stayed because we were hungry and by this point in time anything would do. The food was good enough for the price but nothing special. If I would have known, I would have just had the fries though. They were above average if you ask me.

We ended up leaving Edmonton at about 3:00 or 3:30pm. The drive back was uneventful. As I drove I was remembering and telling Penny about Jenny, Jan, Lisa and the Mayfield Inn and all the fun I had working and living in Edmonton. Those were good times and good memories. I'm lucky to have them and I'm even luckier to still have these special people in my life.

Beer Commercial

Gosh, what do you do when you are watching TV and a commercial comes on that makes sense?    I mean really makes sense.    See the commercial here.    I think this really took me off guard for some really valid reasons.     As I was watching I was answering "no" to almost every question posed.

 

The commercial's wording is something like this:

If there is a single undeniable truth about life is you only get one shot at living it.
So the question is ... How have you lived?
Will have have been scared enough?
Will you have done all the things you've set out to do?
Said all the things you wanted to say?
Will you have laughed enough?
Loved enough?
Broken enough hearts and had your heart sufficiently broken?
Will have have seen the world?
Watched enough sunsets and sunrises?
Will you have lived life on your own terms?
Will you have regrets or will you have lived an extraordinary life?

The only one I could say "yes" to was the question regarding having your heart sufficiently broken. Now how sad it that?

I think it's pretty sad.

 

Pondering

|I've been thinking a lot lately about my life.   What have I learned along the way?

 

In my teens, I wish I didn't worry so much about fitting in.

In my 20's, I wish I wasn't so afraid to take chances.

In my 30's I wish I would have taken a little more time for me and not try to please everyone.

In my 40's I wish I would have been able to say "no" without feeling guilt.

 

At the end of this year I will be turning 50.    It's almost hard to say.   I don't feel 50 and other than this grey hair, I don't really think I look 50.    Judy says 50 is the new 30.   Maybe that's a good way to look at it.   

 

I feel like I still have so much to do.    Truthfully, I think I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.   It's a shame.  

 

The goal perhaps is just to be happy.   But I'm failing miserably at that too.   

Dream

I've been dreaming very vividly for a while now. The night before last I had the strangest dream just before waking.

 

At first, I thought it was a dream about my heart only because I saw myself wearing a holter monitor. But as it turns out it was mostly likely a dream about work and a decision I will have to make. Now exactly what that decision will be isn't clear to me right now. I do know that we will be increasing our points.  But what will come of the point increase and when isn't clear because a new schedule has been released for April  and May and nothing has changed on it. Sort of par for the course around here. It's too bad really.

 

 

Everything here at work is causing so much stress that I have to really wonder if it's worth it all.   I'm sure that's much of the meaning behind the dream.   It's all stress induced.

Back to Work

I'm here at work 45 minutes early for my shift. Not because I'm a keener or anything. This morning I let Jillian have my car for her practicum. She'll have it tomorrow also, so I'll be here early one more time.

Yesterday my Supervisor told me to send her an email if I was interested in a 0.7FTE that will be opening up here at Switchboard. Of course I sent the email right away but I also know that my chances of getting this position are next to non-existent. Things haven't gone in my favor at this place and I don't expect them to now.

I have been off work for over two weeks. Yesterday was my first day back and I found it quite draining (even though it wasn't a full shift). And when I got back I heard about even more policy changes that make me wonder what the heck is really going on here and it leaves me to ask, do I really want to work here more?

Last week I applied at WestJet for a position in reservations. I know tons of people apply for these jobs and I probably won't get called for an interview, but I just had to try my luck ... again.

50th Birthday Party in the Hood

Went to Trent and Tracy Ronak's 50 birthday party last night with Penny.    It was a pretty big party at the Pembrooke community centre close to the old neighbourhood.    It was good seeing the two guys again.   I have to admit I didn't really talk to Tracy and he didn't seem to remember me too much.    But that's okay, Trent is the person that invited me.   He turned out to be a really nice guy.    Sounds like he and his girlfriend/wife? have gone on some pretty interesting adventures including living in the states for a extended period last year.    Sounds like they've been to many cool places.

 

Needless to say, that has got me thinking ... again.    No this can't be good can it?     Penny and I were sitting there more or less saying "what the hell?"       It really makes you think about what you've done with your life.

 

And it's not like I'm trying to compare my life with just theirs.    It seems to be all around me. Somewhere along the way I've put aside my dreams and I don't think I want to do that any more.  

 

I'm glad I went last night, it's so nice seeing people that were a part of my life while I was growing up.    

     

Hair Vitamins

Nature's Bounty:  Hair and Nails

L-cystine 200 mg
Horsetail 150mg
Bamboo 60mg
inositol 15mg
vitamin B6 105mg
Biotin 35mcg

Depressed X2

This afternoon I had coffee with Penny.   We took our teas and walked around the mall (our usual MO).    Right off the bat she started talking about how depressed she was.   Of course she tempered it with quotes from her son saying she wasn't depressed but she was feeling down.     Exactly like I'm feeling.     Is it the time of year that is getting us down?    I don't know.     She offered the explanation that it's probably because it feels like it's been a long winter.    If you ask me winter always seems kind of long but it hasn't  been a bad winter by any means.     

 

If you ask me that can't be the reason for depression.     Sometimes things just get overwhelming and it's hard to dig out of it.   Being sad or depressed can't really come from the weather.   It's a personal opinion but if it weather had so much to do with it everyone would fall into depression and that's not the case.

 

Either way, it's unusual that both of us are feeling so down.   No easy explanation to be found.    No matter how you look at it. 

Postcards



Postcards are nice in a way.    It means someone was thinking about you while they were away.    It also means you weren't there.   They let you see what you are missing.   

 

Sometimes they say "wish you were here" and sometimes they say "look what we are doing".

 

Either way, the card comes from somewhere, somewhere you are not.   It becomes a glaring reality that people are doing exciting or interesting things that you are not doing.   

 

I have this particular postcard sitting on my dresser in my bedroom.    What is written on the back is sweet enough but it just makes me sad.

 

I thought I'd write about it here instead of just having the feelings stuck in my head and heart.    This card comes from a young co-worker that is filling her life with traveling the world.     She works full time with the region and I often wonder how on earth she can take all the time off work to do this.    The full time job she has is the one I wanted.    So I am filled with very much resentment and jealously.   I know if I was given the job I would be working at my job.   Not ask for LOA's all the time to travel.      

 

What it boils down to is jealousy.    I'm not proud of that but it seems like she is rubbing my nose in the fact that she has the best of both worlds.     She has the job I would have wanted (at the time) and she is zipping around the world collecting memories and seeing things I could only dream of seeing.     It's sad that I feel like this.   I can't even be happy for her any more.  

 

Part of me wants to throw the postcard away but then I read the back and then I can't.   They are her memories she's making.   And while out there she did think of me, even for a moment.    I suppose I'll be keeping the card for a while longer.    It sits on the dresser, just like I am sitting here.

Happy Again?

Today I posted this on my Face Book page.    Seems like a simple enough saying but it is easier said than done.   

 

I don't know what kind of slump I'm in but it's one that is really hard to get out of.     I make plans to do things, projects and it's like my feet are stuck in mud.   I can't get going and I don't care.

 

I'm still getting my vacation days over with and they are as boring as ever.   I don't have plans to do anything exciting ... and perhaps even if I did I wouldn't care too much anyway.  

Depressed

I'm come to realise that I'm in some sort of depression.    I can't really shake this feeling of just feeling sad.    At times I put the feelings down to things happening around me making me feel awful but now I'm just pretty sure I just feel depressed.     It more or less started after Stuart died, that I know for sure.    I just haven't been the same since then.

 

I tried to make things better.   I've gone so far as getting a new dog.   Although I think she is good for me and I think we are good for her, something is missing.     I keeping telling myself that I love her and maybe I do, but something is missing.   Something so big that it's making me more sad than I was before.    I wanted to get a dog and just be happy but I've come to realise it isn't as easy as that.
 

 

Truthfully, I don't know what to do now.   I'm feeling a little trapped and confused.    Most of the time I just want to run away from everything and everyone.      It feels like I just can't do anything right, or say anything right or even feel anything right.   I just want to stay at home or in bed.   I want to read all day and not talk to anyone.    The effort it takes to get to work is crazy.     Heck, it takes more effort than I can say to do anything, even walk the dog.     I've forced myself over and over again to do things, hoping I'll just snap out of it but it isn't getting any easier for me.   

 

I feel like there is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I can't get out from under it.  

Stay-cation

This is the first day of my work imposed "stay-cation".    What a crock of shit.    Sure it would be great to have vacation days if it was nicer outside and I could work in the garden, go for a long walk and generally enjoy the day.   But no, I have to take the vacation days before the end of April.     It would also be nice if I could go somewhere.    I can't even drive out to see my mom because the roads through the mountains are too unpredictable at this time of year and it's not worth risking life and limb just to go.    

 

What really makes me upset is them telling me when I have to use the vacation days.   And if I didn't they would do it for me.     It just feels all wrong.    Seriously, if I would have known I had to use these last few days up I would have taken them before or at Christmas when I could have really used the time off.    Who wants it now?    I know I don't.   I can't go anywhere, it's not nice enough outside to do anything I'd enjoy doing.   

Work ... so much crap

Work is getting more and more stupid all the time.   We are getting more and more restrictions on what we are allowed to access or do while we are at work.    It's really ridiculous.   What it has come down to is lousy management.   We all know it and we all say it.    It's a shame.

  

In April I'll probably be given the opportunity to move to a 0.6 and now more than ever I'm wondering if I even want it.      There was a time when I wanted full time and now the thought of increasing my part time hours has me worried.     If I am offered more hours I will take it and I can always change my mind and go back to my old point if I want to.    It's just too bad that I'm not looking forward to it anymore.

 



Valentine's Day

I've never disliked Valentine's Day but this year it has left a little to be desired.    First off, Jacob's girlfriend breaks up with him on February 13th, one day before Valentine's Day.    I feel just awful for him.   He had made an appointment to take his driver's test on February 14th and go out for lunch with his girlfriend.   It would have been his first Valentine's Day with a girlfriend.   He was disappointed and I just felt so bad for him.

I try not to make a big deal out of the day itself.    I buy a card and I get everyone some candy.   Something to make them think that I'm thinking about them.    Yesterday Jacob and I wanted to meet Jonathan for lunch and actually bring him lunch as a surprise.     Well Jonathan didn't want us to go there.  So Jacob and I drove to Peter's Drive Inn and drove back home to surprise Jonathan with a treat that we seldom have.

Jonathan didn't open his card and for most of the day didn't touch his candy or even acknowledge it.    And I received nothing.   Not one thing from anyone.    Although I don't make a big deal out of the holiday I thought at least I would get a card.    I was wrong ... really, really wrong.   And truthfully, I'm hurt.   I have feelings too.

On the good side, Jacob did pass his driving test and now has his driver's licence.    And the day after Valentine's Day his old girlfriend says she's made the biggest mistake in breaking up with him.     I'm hoping he does not go back out with her again.   I didn't like her that much at all.    She is in love with herself.    He deserves a girl that loves him and treats him well.

Oh well, it's not for me to say what he should do and only time will tell what will actually happen.   All I do know that this Valentine's Day was particularly rough and I'm sort of pissed.

2013

It's been a long time since I've written.    Perhaps I'll start to write more regularly again in 2013.

 

It's the start of a new year.   A time to start fresh, start a new chapter in life.    But I seem to fall back on old habits too soon, this year is no exception.

 

I didn't make any grand New Years' resolutions.   I only made one.   It was a repeat of the one I made the year before because I had failed so miserably.   I only resolved to have more fun in my life.    Sometimes I think that will be easy and sometimes I don't.

 

One thing I've notice that does stop me from having more fun is the way I perceive things around me.     I've got one example; my former co-worker Sherry.      She quit working with us a while back and I have kept in touch loosely through FB.      She moved a couple of provinces away and although  she has her challenges she is doing well.     Now here's for the weird thing; I'm jealous that she is creating art -- all the time -- every day.   She posts photos of her projects and everyone loves it.    She is even selling it through FB.      I don't know why this is making me crazy but it really is.   Back when we worked together I showed her my art magazines as I do with anyone who wants to look at them.    She was intrigued and took off with the whole idea.   I didn't.    So I'm miserable.     Once again I feel paralyzed not knowing what to do.    Do I jump in?   Will it look like I'm trying to follow in her footsteps?     I'm just afraid.